People You Grew Up With Don’t Want You To Grow up
by Sophia Rossi
This weekend I was at a surprise wedding shower. I use the term “surprise” very loosely since the bride-to-be practically arrived in her veil & couldn’t even feign an ounce of surprise. She’s lucky that I really love her because surprise parties are really intense for me, as most parties are already. I always just feel like I’m being bossed around when I go to a surprise party: “Oh, could you park your car 4 blocks away so she doesn’t see?” Or when you are suddenly shushed from your mindless small talk with someone’s 2nd cousin because of a false alarm that the GUEST of HONOR has arrived. Do not shush me until you have 100 % confirmation and also just don’t say, “Shhh!” to me, ever.
Anyway, so on this lovely Sunday at one of LA’s finest establishments, I was not exactly feeling my finest. I knew this wasn’t my crowd (beautiful, fashionable, married ladies).
Always know your demographic. This is not just for performers – it really comes in handy for small talk. Small talk is easy to bomb and I do it basically every time I leave the cave of my home. I get along with parents or kids but seldom those in between. I walked into the restaurant alone, shifting my tights and taking a deep breath as I tried to overcome the fear of assigned seating. That is everyone’s fear at a party, admit it.
I realized I was sitting across from the bride-to-be’s future mother-in-law and I just knew all was going to be okay. I got this! A 50-something year old woman is my jam! They are very supportive and just have this ease about them. They have lived a full life of taking care of their kids and now are ready to take care of themselves. I can just get down with that.
This kind mother, we’ll call her Jackie (I felt like she could have been a Jackie), started talking to me about her lifestyle. She is an avid outdoorsy person who rides horseback everyday, gardens and farms. She was getting real Green Acres on me. I was suddenly transfixed by this woman’s life. She started telling me about how she works really hard for her family in order to be able to take time off and enjoy life.
The idea of anyone having a hobby outside of their profession just fascinates me. I will go as far as to say it is beautiful. I live in LA where hardly anyone has hobbies and if they do it’s something that will soon be posted to their IMDB page. I want to know the brilliant Jonathan Frazen author-types who study birds on the side. I want someone to tell me about real life.
Jackie opened her heart to me and told me things about her past. She invited me to her summer house. She let me in and made me feel safe in a room full of insecurities. I of course took her up on her offer and immediately started fantasying about my life as the French version of Reese Witherspoon in Sweet Home Alabama. I’m just ready for change.
Here is when things start to take a turn. Jackie and I are just gabbing away having a blast and then suddenly my two childhood friends decide they have had enough of my new friendship. I would go as far as to say that they seemed jealous of the connection that was happening. They both proceeded to tell Jackie (aka my new soul sister) how I would never ever go on that kind of trip, basically insulting my character to this woman’s face. In their defense, they have known me for 10 plus years and have never seen me be outdoorsy, but let a woman live a little.
Then it hit me and I got really upset. These friends of mine who I love and admire were diminishing the thought of change in my life. I got angry. They don’t know me. They don’t know what I am capable of!
As I was spiraling in my head about how no one really gets me and that I will never break from the cocoon of their thoughts of me, Jackie did something astonishing. She defended me. Jackie was not having it. This suddenly powerful woman looked at them and said “Maybe you don’t know Sophia that well and the life she wants is really in her heart. Let her experience life.”
All I have to say is: TAKE THAT. I almost got teary-eyed because I was floored. This woman was understanding me the way my friends just weren’t willing to do.
What I took from this and I want everyone to know is that you are allowed to change. You just are.
I’m sorry that I grew up with certain people who only ever want to see me in a certain way and who are easily disturbed when I challenge them. You know what disturbs me? The idea that people I grew up with just might not want me to change.
Please be prepared for more adventures between Jackie and I because I am an adult and I can do as I please.
I will also note that I had a really good time at the shower and the ladies who threw the party actually made me feel really welcome. All my insecurities are just insane thoughts in my brain.
I also want to note that most of the guests were blonde, and I am not, and I often get really intimated by that. I’m not perfect, guys.
Sophia Rossi is a producer and co-founder of HelloGiggles. She loves Sweet Valley High more than she should. Follow her here: twitter or tumblr.
06.06.2011 |
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God. I so feel you on this one. I liked how you described it as breaking from their cocoon of thoughts. I think old friends can be this way, but family can too. It’s the worst when you feel inspired or excited, then you’re kind of shot down like that. Heck yes to realizing insecurities need to be thrown out the window like that as well. I often get a touch of anxiety before events like this (when I won’t know tons of people) because I’m a heavily tattooed female. Normally I couldn’t care less but when it comes to someone else’s fancy plans I really hate being the “tattooed girl” etc. etc. I always end up getting stares from someone’s Aunt and it gets uncomfortable. I’m trying to get over that, because really, like you said, my insecurities are in my head. And I want them out.
Thanks for this post- I loved it.
i have friends like that too..ugh annoying
Hooray for Jackie and your new friendship! Parties are always scary for me too. If it weren’t for my husband dragging me out of the house I think I would grow roots. Even when the party is with people I love to hang out with, I have reservations about going. So many insecurities try to stall me. BUT our insecurities are all in our heads. Most of the time the people staring at us are wondering what it’s like to BE us. Or, at least that’s what I’m doing when I’m staring at people.
I was just thinking the other day about how people I grew up with, or even myself at a younger age wouldn’t recognize who I am today, but I’m sort of okay with that. One of the greatest things about growing is the potential for changing yourself and hopefully Jackie will remain someone who can support you through it she seems lovely. There’s something to be said for looking in the face of a situation that makes you confront your fears and anxieties and then taking a deep breath and diving in. I need to remember to do that more. Parties with rules and expectations…terrifying
I want to go hang out with Jackie!
I grew up all over the place, so there’s no one I really grew up with other than my family. & family is sometimes the worst about these things, they continue to see you as the little girl you once were even after you become an adult & start making decisions. They especially do this when you make decisions they do not agree with or do not understand. Tis crazy, & the reason why I will ever be grateful for my mother’s acceptance of my ability to change or make grown up choices (even when she doesn’t like them).
More power to you, & more power to Jackie. Sounds like the start of an amazing friendship!
After college I moved back to my home town, where I live less than two miles away from my parents. A lot of my high school (or longer) friends live in the area still, but I actually don’t see much of them, the few that I do see I see at least once a week. We have all changed a lot in the last 10 years and being around to watch those changes happen has actually caused our friendships to grow and change in ways that would never have happened if we were all just the same as we were the day we turned 18 (and I know I for one wouldn’t want to hang out with any of those 18 year olds!).
Good for you (and good for Jackie!) for realizing that change isn’t bad and often is just you becoming a little bit more like the person you have always meant to be!
“Small talk is easy to bomb and I do it basically every time I leave the cave of my home. I get along with parents or kids but seldom those in between. ” Umm, excuse me, are you spying on my life? Are you inside my brain? This is me times a million and I can not tell you how happy it makes me knowing that I am not alone in this, because out there in “social land” I pretty much always feel alone. I hope one day that I too can find an awesome 50-year-old to help me change my life
this was fantastic!!!
Really beautiful post, thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences, Sophia.
Excellent post!
You are very young to be so wise! Sometimes I need to remind my family that I have and can change. People rarely remain the same for their entire lives. Embrace the adventures life has instore for you and accept the changes you see in yourself and the changes you see inothers.
This is a great post. Its very true and very frustrating. In general I get bored. Bored with myself sometimes so I do very implosive changes to myself or my room or whatever. Like chop off my hair or randomly cut myself some bangs or paint my whole room red (it was a bad decision and is no longer red) but some of my friends get very upset with this. I haven’t really ever understood why. I don’t know if they just find it threatening or what but its nice to know I’m not alone with that frustrating situation.
Everyone is so nice!!!! thank you for reading this. You are nicer to me than all my real friends. Also, isn’t JACKIE a real powerhouse?
BRILLIANT!!!!
My husband and I live in his hometown and we are constantly dealing with people from his past (I will not call them “friends”) who expect 30 year old him to act like 16 year old him. It’s sad, really. Wherever you have a past you will have expectations for your behavior that are seldom an accurate reflection of who you have become.
I say screw ‘em. Screw the naysayers!
Real friends allow you to grow and blossom and thrive and support you in all your awesome glory. They want the best for you…and what’s best is seldom stagnation or reliving your “glory days.”
I hope you and Jackie have an AMAZING time…
and I hope we move out of this town sooner rather than later so we can be rid of these expectations once and for all.
During The Worst Years Of My Life (high school, naturally), I had a complete mental breakdown and went through the usual existential crisis of “Who am I, why am I here, and why do I have to have zits AND frizzy hair?” Luckily, Scrubs was popular at the time, and the Janitor gave Elliott the words I needed to hear. He encouraged her to change if she was unhappy and added, “Time spent wishing is time wasted.”
So, I went to a college that looked like Hogwarts far (enough) away from my home and majored in my passion and haven’t looked back. And like you, I’ve been just ITCHING for a change again. The fun part is always choosing what to do next. I’m glad you had a woman there who was willing to defend you. Now you just can’t let her down. Cause, you know, that’d suck. Good luck!
SO GRATEFUL you posted this today! I was literally just feeling that way – that people you grow up with don’t want you to change – when I read this article. I feel so much better just knowing I’m not the only one who deals with such a frustrating situation! : )
Slam dunkin like Shaquille O’Neal, if he wrote infomraivte articles.
I’m looking forward to reading about more adventures between you and Jackie! Sometimes friends don’t know everything about you and just assume you wouldn’t like things, but maybe if they would’ve asked you to do those things then you would’ve said yes. Sometimes it’s fun to try something new! And you may not like it, but at least you tried. Or you may love it and then you can have a hobby too!
Jackie is the JAM!! She totally rocks. I love my friends,but when I said I was gonna cut of my 3 feet long hair, they all went “you won’t do it” and started laughing at me. I felt really bad, and cut it off that very same day…I can totally rock the pixie look, and they noticed, some even almost apologized in the way of “wow! you look really great! I didn’t think you’d go for it!”
So yeah, I totally support you going out with Jackie more and doing just what you want, your friends will either catch up (as most of mine did) or drift off. And if they do, they don’t deserve you.
Listen to our so-called Jackie and you do whatever the hell you want girl! They are probably jealous of your ambition. And your ability to befriend a woman in her 50s. Keep it real. Peace.
Jackie sounds like an awesome lady
good on you! never stop reinventing yourself.
You know what trumps being blonde? Being brunette. Megan Fox is a brunette. My three new favorite people, Zooey, Molly, and Sophia, are brunette (gotta admit, though, I’ve loved Zooey for a long time). I’m brunette.
Brunettes are saucy.
i came back from my first year of college a few weeks ago. i’ve changed a lot, for the better, but a lot ocf people back home just aren’t accepting it. it’s really annoying and frustrating.
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I read this when it was first posted on the site and it has stayed with me as a I go about my days. I probably think about it a few times a week, the idea that we aren’t limited to other people’s perceptions of us or even our own of ourselves. We are more capable that we think. (And if we prove our naysayers wrong, that’s just dandy.) Your story has been that additional bit of motivation I need to push myself. At least that’s what I took from this. Thank you for sharing.
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