As a human of the moderately materialistic variety, I’ve often found it difficult to connect with nature and get on its level. I would do my best to obtain a doctor’s note for any hiking-related field trips. I think that as a general rule, the ocean is a trap. I don’t think that we are as intimidated by ants as we should be. I have recurring nightmares about sinkholes. Komodo dragons should have never made it onto Noah’s guest list. Nature is the worst.
However, when I came across this National Geographic photograph, I had a change of heart. It was like the universe saw my soul, swallowed it and vomited up this magnificent creature:
Meet the Rosy-lipped Batfish, my beauty icon and spirit animal. I’m devoting at least until the end of this month to impersonating it at every given opportunity. With the help of materialism, of course.
Do you know what I hate even more than when no one texts me back? Even more than when someone realizes that I genuinely think John Mayer’s ‘Slow Dancing in a Burning Room’ is a national treasure? Even more than when I catch the first glimpse of stray eyebrow growth in natural light? I hate when I can’t match my lipstick to my lip liner. Not even a ballpark, dim-lighting match. Luckily, Pixi anticipated this crime against vanity and came out with this handy double-sided delight, their Lip&Line Primer. It’s a lip liner and primer that creates a non-feathery canvas for your lipstick and it’s colorblind, meaning that it’s a great companion for all of these little wonders of the world:
Urban Decay Super-Saturated High Gloss Lip Color! From top to bottom: Big Bang, Crush, Punch Drunk, and FBomb.
These are portly, glossy, creamy, bright crayons for your face — like school supplies for adults. You can wear them as advertised or blot for more of a stained finish instead. Either way, these are not for the faint of heart.
This is Big Bang, a sparkly fuchsia treat for when you’re feeling like a star and no one can stop your shine.
This one is my personal favorite, Crush. It looks like I squeezed a tube of Golden Heavy Body acrylic paint on my lips, which is something that I always secretly wanted to do in a painting class I took a couple years ago. Urban Decay has helped me realize this dream.
I don’t know what to do in front of cameras, so I did this. Also: How great are my impulse-buy sprinkled donut earrings? Anyway, this is Punch Drunk, which is a really flattering orange shade. Flattering? Orange? I don’t know what kind of sorcery Urban Decay is up to, but I won’t question it more than twice. It’s perfect for fall! Perfect for a vacation to the tropics! Perfect for telling your friends that you wish you could afford a vacation to the tropics! It’s just so versatile.
You know I love a good red, and this is a really good one. FBomb is somewhere between brick and stop sign — arguably the best place to be — and I love it. With the precision of a pencil and the staying power of a stray cat, it’s also a great red to experiment with if reds typically make you nervous.