“I know it’s time to do laundry because I’m down to all my sexy underwear.”–@abhorrent_wife

“Screaming ‘Love Me!!’ at my puppies doesn’t seem to be as effective as you’d think.”- @missalise

“Are you depressed because you’re listening to Fiona Apple or are you listening to Fiona Apple because you’re depressed?”-@tavitulle

“It doesn’t matter where I fall asleep–where ever my head rests, the drool will soon follow.” -@karmagypsy

“This season, Downton Abbey focused less on class differences and more on how newborn babies are HARBINGERS OF DEATH.”-@mikeleffingwell

“I should’ve listened to what my vagina was telling me about him.”-@MedeaCulpa

“Bananas are suggestive looking, so in public I eat them in the least sexy way possible: by asking them where the relationship…

“I love myself so much I nitpick at every single flaw so I can hate myself even more.” -@ParpClotpole