A Darker Shade Of Pink


photo courtesy Janice Waltzer

It’s really hard to avoid somebody you went to high school with when you’re the only two people in the store. I found this out the hard way when I went to my 24-hour grocer the other night.

If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that I love grocery shopping. If there’s another thing you should know about me, it’s that I like Paris Hilton’s music. Like, I bought it and it’s on my iPod.

Judge not lest ye be judged by Simon Cowell.

Anyway, 2AM is typically when I like to go grocery shopping. I don’t sleep as much as I should and the bags under my eyes will attest. If I have an excuse to go to the grocery store I totally will. That particular night I was jonesin’ for some watermelon and I was out of tea so off I went.

Oh, and for the record, my grocery store has a really well lit parking lot and I always have a security guard walk me to my car- safety first ladies!

I guess what I love about shopping late is that I am typically the only person in the store which is great if you like to sing along to classic hits such as Britney Spears’ “Baby One More Time” and Mariah Carey’s “Butterfly” like I do. I stopped singing when I got to the coffee/tea/cookie aisle though, and saw …Whatsherface.

I’m pretty sure she was in my Freshman English class in high school? Her name was like, Morgan? Or Ashley? And she looked pretty much the same except that mole on her face was gone and now she had a nose ring and boobs. She smiled at me and I smiled back and together we looked at the tea. It was just like that one time we were partners in English class looking for dangling modifiers in sentences on a worksheet.

It was just as awkward as you think it might be. There’s that whole moment where you wonder, okay, do I acknowledge that we know each other? Then after that do we hug, or do we not hug? Because we were never that close but now we’re out of school and should we pretend that we want to hang out even though we both know we’ll never call? I mean, she looks like she’s into the whole vegan thing and I’m more into Lincoln (Abe) and then I’d have to wave to her again if we passed each other in another aisle even though I just said hi and that’s always weird because then she wants to know if I’m stalking her. Then everyone thinks I’m a lesbian again like sophomore year when Rachel Cruz spread that rumor. It’s just too much work.

See, that’s why I try to avoid this sort of situation by going to the grocery store at two in the morning.

I pretended instead that I’m cool and collected and not neurotic as I silently picked up some Earl Grey and she, some vegan gluten free non-dairy organic something Oolong and we parted ways before I got the chance to tell her Rachel Cruz was lying, but if I was a lesbian, I’d be like Portia de Rossi. Seriously, that woman is crazy gorgeous.

Featured image courtesy of Janice Waltzer

Stephanie Sparer has a blog and a twitter where she actively offers commentary on her every day life. She has appeared in many films, including “Stephanie’s First Birthday,” and “Stephanie’s Ballet Recital ’91.” She only just found out who Justin Bieber is.