Weirdos and Creepers Online Dating…Accidentally Hilarious! Jennie Albano

So, today I begin my foray into writing a second series for HelloGiggles that is completely non-music related.  You guys know me by now as a band-loving, concert-obsessed music nerd who hooks you up with weekly suggestions for sweet new jams to listen to.  But I have another hat to wear here…that of the disappointed online dater.   Most people tend to think I’m not the kind of girl that needs to hit up online dating sites to meet people.  Well, the fact is when you pack up your life and move back to your hometown (Miami) from the other side of the country where you lived for 8 years (Los Angeles) and you only know a handful of people who still live there, and those handful of people are all married with kids (fine for them, boring for me) and you don’t work a normal job…that equates to needing to seek alternative methods for meeting some new and hopefully interesting people to kick it with.

So, two years ago, I did what most people my age do in those situations and signed up for a couple of  online dating sites (you know the ones), assuming that tons of similarly attractive, smart, funny, well-read, sarcastic, age-appropriate, successful and fun guys who are into music and being awesome would also be members of said dating sites and the “matches” would come a-pourin’ in.

For serious, nothing could be farther from the truth.  Instead, pretty much the entire time I lived back in Miami, I was inundated with emails from men of all ages who are pretty much the exact opposite of what I was looking for and who I described in my online profile. Like, in every conceivable way.

They are, to put it succinctly, Weirdos and Creepers.

Now, before some judgements start to fly…please read on as you will soon see that I’m not being mean or exaggeratory at all. When I say Weirdos and Creepers, you will come to learn that is the only possible way to describe them.  Given the situation, one would logically think that I would have canceled my membership and gone back to the old-fashioned ‘going out and just looking for hot dudes in a bar or on the beach’ method.  Ah, but here’s the rub.  These Weirdos and Creepers (W&Cs, as I’ve come to call them) are not only weird and creepy, but they are comedic geniuses.  Geniusi?

Either way, I started to realize that I am some sort of weirdo and creeper magnet, but specifically a magnet for ones that compose the most ridiculous and hilarious introductory emails ever created.  I started saving some of the best ones and sending them out to a hand selected group of friends and family, and as it turns out, I was right – these things are immensely and universally entertaining.  So, on the behest of those closest to me who have urged me to share them with the world, I decided to create Weirdos & Creepers, the HelloGiggles weekly series, so that everyone with an internet connection can now get a good laugh at the expense of my social life.

A few things about the emails I will highlight… you can be assured that:

a) All of the emails featured here are 100% verbatim and have not in any way been altered (I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried, trust me).

b) I have removed the real screen names and pictures of my would-be suitors, even though that would definitely add to the humor in almost every case.  You know, just in case any of these W&Cs are litigious.

c) My online profile is completely truthful, including my photos, my description of myself and who I am looking to connect with… 29-37 year old guys who are smart, into music, hate drama and love fun. Not too much to ask, right?  I went onto these sites with a genuine hope that someone cool would seek me out, not to entrap weird guys into writing me so I could make fun of them online.  The comedic bi-product of this experiment, however awesome, was entirely unintentional.

To kick off this series, I present you with one of the first emails I ever received and the one that sort of started this whole thing in the first place.  I like to call it, “The Greatest”.  Although I have since received hundreds of other amazing and unfathomably strange emails, this one still stands above the rest as Weirdos & Creepers Champion.  This came from a 45-year-old man whose screen name had to do with a famous financial block in NYC and as you will soon agree it might be by far the best and most ridiculous one I have ever received.  Why not start with numero uno, right?

Well, get ready for some mind-melting hilarity.  True, it is a bit long – but if you read through the whole thing you will be so, so glad that you did, because within these words lie the secret to the universe…I think.  I have no clear idea what this man is talking about, but it doesn’t matter. He is a poet.  He is the William Shakespeare of our times – a modern day Ginsberg or Chekov.  Keep an eye out for the unbelievable irony when he talks about how he only meets creepers when he goes out!  I literally died about 30 times reading through this thing and so I hope it similarly entertains the HelloGiggles-verse.  Let me know what you think, and enjoy the first installment of my embarrassing but hopefully hilarious new series.

 

Subject: hi jba

U r everything tell me more 
My final and only thought. If I tried very hard would u be pleased, 
if I didnt care u would be really dissappointed! 
and if I miss ur birthday you would leave me and u should
if I loved you like a lady deserves what from ur soul would I get? 
hopefully a sweetheart for a life time and fairness, and 
laughter to enjoy her heart and wonderful worldwide 
vacations to satisfy her smile… And the best home money can buy! 
besides who would fuss about a potential serious 3 ct. rock… 
I guess the possibilities in a awesome girlfriend is funny; or a valentine forever could be amazing if 
we just had the basics of real common friendship to start… But hey, who wants 
peace love and happiness… Well for starters a sweetheart and a sexy young 
man who got his shix – secondly, foremost upscaled and on sideline totally together! 
along with real happiness… Now thats not to much to ask. So lets meet on the beach 
a real beach like Hawaii… Or over dinner.. If thats to much… Im keeping it real! And so serious for 
something absolutely really right and amazing but no games. 
WOW, can a great guy with a edge get a hug and a hello? 
Well as for me work has definitely kept me busy enough from hitting the good old bar scene. 
As its something I can do without trust me! Whenever I do get the chance, 
I end up meeting the creepers… No offense ;) What I’m looking to get out 
of this is not to land Ms. Perfect, just Ms. Right. a very sweet lady who is naturally warm 
and down to earth and soemone who doesnt play games… 
So let’s just skip the mind games and get straight to the point. 
I’m a very successful career positive, oriented, strong youngman, who appreciates 
a lady who can handle herself at any level. I like a lady who can make me laugh, carry on 
a conversation… and definitely, keep me on my toes ;) – I like a bit of a challenge… 
Yes its good for the soul of any person… Just like the gym is for your heart. 
And yes Im in really excellant shape! 

I’m simple, easy going and easily pleased. I guess I love the finer things in life! 
I stay away from drama, unless unavoidable. I dislike clinginess and people who 
never seem to finish what they started. But I am a very passionate guy I suppose. 
I’m not the ‘Let’s talk on the phone for hours of everyday’ kind of guy… 
I appreciate the sweet short calls, text, or e-mails better. 
I like a lovely lady who finds a balance with spending time with me, but doesn’t 
neglect her friends and family. 

Im a b-ball, bb game & football lover with buddies hopefully my future lady will 
allow me to have courtside with her chilling, then bum it out at a very sexy spot or two 
afte rwards and a very lovely dinner of course… Or vise versa. 

Yes, I work hard always and a fun balanced play hard mental state is good 
While as a man afterwords in any environment I like to chill and enjoy it all… 
But I always make sure all my responsibilities are taken care of first and foremost. 
I travel when I can and if the company clients absolutely need me, try new things 
when the opportunity is there, and always look forward to what the future holds for me 
and those I care for. 

I am super close to my family also. But priorities for you are a must also I separate the two. 
So it would be nice to have someone who can respect that and maybe have the 
same family quality trait. I suppose I can go on about my likes and dislikes. 
In the end Im very fun and love doing it all… I mean having a great time. 
In the end, if you’re the type of lady who respect a man and more important a 
guy loving ur heart with respect…who you are is as a whole, fun lovin 
but got your life together, not a commitment-phobe, and 
definitely not a cheater or a faker….. Then we’ll get along just fine. 
No one is perfect and you can’t change people when they don’t want to. But what can I say… 
If you work at it and it works out, then life is good! And we can be very successful! 
v/r 
ps I wanna be ur sweety pie! take care

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  1. I have no idea what was happening there! Are there cliffnotes?

  2. wow… and that coming from a 45 year old.. what a sad world we live in…
    Doesn’t anyone try to use correct grammar anymore?

    I stopped after some lines cuz I didn’t understand half of what he said… maybe it would be easier if english was my first language… maybe not…

    Anyways… did you reply to him? :D

  3. I couldn’t even understand most of that XD

  4. Oh his transitions are so smooth. “I like a bit of a challenge… 
Yes its good for the soul of any person… Just like the gym is for your heart. 
And yes Im in really excellant shape!” I mean, because obviously you’re thinking about the gym right now. And just so you know, I go to one.
    I feel like he must have read this over a few times. And patted himself on the back.

  5. I’m confused!! It started with random I dont know what then actually went into somewhat English!! WOW!!! You’re right, you can’t make this stuff up!

  6. Weird, just weird.

  7. Is this written by an ESL student?

  8. “I appreciate the sweet short calls, text, or e-mails better.” WHAT? Buddy, look up “irony” in the dictionary.
    p.s. Someone call the grammar police!

  9. “Just like the gym is for your heart. 
And yes Im in really excellant shape!”

    LAUGHING. SO. HARD.

  10. Wow, grammar would be nice.

  11. What does half (if not more) of that email even mean?! Lol.

  12. I feel your pain! I started getting so many funny stories from my online dating that I decided to start a blog, you wouldn’t believe some of the stuff I’ve seen! http://www.myonlineman.blogspot.com x

  13. I bet he copy/pastes that to all the girls…. :P