I Should Not Be Reviewing Movies

One For The Money, Two For My Awkward Phase

Over the weekend, I saw Katherine Heigl’s latest comedy One For the Money. I was in the mood for a girl-power flick and I pretty much got what I was looking for. Heigl plays Stephanie Plum, a former lingerie clerk who starts working as a recovery agent at her cousin’s bail bond company to earn some extra cash. If you liked the Janet Evanovich novel, I think you will like the movie. I found Heigl to be endearing and genuine as Plum. One of the things I liked about her character is that she seems like one of those girls who went through a long awkward phase in school and ended up on the other side blissfully unaware that she is gorgeous and that guys are drooling all over her. You know those girls? Let the record show that I am not one of those girls, but it did get me thinking about my awkward phase. If you ever need a reality check, I highly recommend the Google search ‘celebrity awkward phase’. You will not be disappointed.

As for my own awkward phase, it was 3-fold and, at the time, seemed to go on for decades. In hindsight, however, these three tragedies really allowed me to learn some big lessons a little earlier than the others. Seriously, having a really long awkward phase is the secret to life. Allow me to recount my experiences.

Stage 1 was the snaggle-tooth. If you want to end up as a super-fly lady later in life, you better pray your mouth looks like Chicklets in playdough. There is no better way to teach humility than 3 rounds of head gear. This new Invisiline system is terrifying. You mean to tell me that a kid can straighten their teeth and then remove it to make-out with their boyfriend? No! Braces are the 20th century’s version of a chastity belt. You guys, I once had a contraption on the roof of my mouth which had to be cranked by my mother nightly before bed. You better believe that thing kept me outta trouble. It is easy to turn down ‘Seven Minutes in Heaven’ when you have the mouth of a robot.

Stage 2 was the growth spurt. I learned how to bond with other girls after my growth spurt in 7th grade. By the time I hit my 13th birthday, I was 5’ 7”. I towered over the boys. I might as well have been Andre the Giant. Even if a guy had gotten a crush on me, I would have been sure it was a sick joke, because who would would want to date The Jolly Green Giant? This was also about the time I got my first nickname from my big brother. Lurp. It was accurate and I spent a lot of time trying to get my mom to ban it from our house.

At the time, the whole thing was pretty heartbreaking, but looking back now, I can see that this really freed me in a major way. I just stopped worrying about dumb school-boys and bonded with my fellow stretched-out sisters. We spent our time reading choose-your-own-adventure books and obsessing over *NSync. During this time, I planned my wedding to Lance Bass (we all know how that turned out) and learned how to paint nails. Both of these skills have served me well in my adult life. It was the first time I had a great group of girlfriends, and that never would have happened if I hadn’t been towering over the boys.

The final stage was the dreaded mustache. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting in English class during silent reading pouring over Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul. Our desks were formed into tables and I sat right across from Aaron. “You have a mustache,” Aaron announced to the class with disgust. I was horrified, mostly because it was true. I remember rushing to the bathroom to see for myself. There it was, an eyebrow growing on my upper lip. Looking back, I now realize that Aaron was just jealous of my fierce lady-stache. I remember during lunch that day all my girlfriends comforted me and downplayed my mustache. My girls totally patched up my leaky ego balloon – something that would happen a million more times in my life and save me from a million mean-boy comments until eventually, those mean-boy comments couldn’t get near my ego balloon. Plus, my femme-fur allowed me to keep my virgin lips well into high school (when I was introduced to waxing).

I now live as an above-average height, straight-toothed, hairless woman. Great, right? Anyway, back to the movie.

I recommend seeing this movie if: you are still in your awkward phase. Or, if you are on the other side of life’s evil hump, rent it and watch it at home on a Saturday morning.

Photos from here and here

I wanna know: What did you guys think of One For the Money? What was your awkward phase like? And what movie should I see this weekend?

  • http://www.facebook.com/amalia.pantazi Amalia Pantazi

    LOL, I Googled “celebrity awkward phase” (oh yes I did) and first result was your article! 😀 The next results seemed boring and I didn’t even open them, I’ll just leave it to my imagination 😀

  • http://www.facebook.com/SarcasticSam Samantha Alexander

    I had all three of these phases growing up. I was 5′ 8″ in the eigth grade and thin as a toothpick. I was the literal bean pole child. I also had that crank thing in my mouth and went through three years of braces. But now I’m in college and I feel like I kind of fit in now. It’s still fun to walk by those girls who are 5′ 4″ and under and have them look at you like a giant but now I find it funny. And my boyfriend loves my height and all my embarassing photos my mom showed him of “those years.” And I saw “One for the Money” and loved it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Kendall.De.Jong Kendall De Jong

    Loved your ‘movie review’! Gave me a giggle at my desk today as it sounds like my middle school through high school experience. Definitely had the braces, no head gear but those really cute rubber bands that surprise you and snap every once in a while, shooting across the room in a festive manner. And frizzy hair, I was basically Ugly Betty. I still dream of marrying Lance Bass… That’s healthy, right?

  • http://www.facebook.com/laura.nickel Laura Nickel

    I googled it as well and found these gems…my favorite has to be Ryan Seacrest http://electricspoofaloo.com/2011/04/6-awkward-pictures-of-celebrities-as-kids/

    I feel justified laughing at these because I went through a doozy of an awkward stage myself.

    • http://www.facebook.com/lauren.hollaway Lauren Hollaway

      I clicked your link… Ryan Seacrest childhood picture is amazing!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1419150236 Nico Schrensky

    Same awkward phase! Also obsessed with Lance Bass. And as for my mustache, my and my friends were getting facials and the lady told me I must have had pen/marker on my hand then rubbed my face, then realized there was no ink on my face and tried to blame a shadow…it got awkward. However add in the fact that to this day I have no boobs. So 5’11’, braces, mustache, no boobs–talk about an awkward phase. However, my life now? Holy cats I’m the luckiest girl in the world (still super tall and boobless though, I’m talking can’t fill out an a cup…)

  • Anonymous

    I slouhd watch bachelor pad just so I can see what all the awkward and funny moments are! I’ve actually wanted to try those skinny cow desserts they look good!

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