ON THE FIELD, OUTSIDE THE BOX: FICTIONAL FANTASY FOOTBALL Rachel Roderman

Sometimes, fantasies can’t always come true. For instance, Ryan Gosling isn’t running for president. The beauty of a fantasy though, is the hope involved, inspiring us all to believe that maybe one day it could be possible to coach a team of hotties or perhaps, a team of nobodies. And by nobodies, I mean fictional players that only exist in my Netflix que. With so many great (and terrible) sports movies to pull an ultimate team of players from, I set out to find my all-star line-up…thinking out of the box (but inside the TV set).

QUARTERBACK

1. Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass (Remember The Titans)

2. Shane Falco (The Replacements)

3. Uncle Rico (Napoleon Dynamite)

The Gameplan: The position of Quarterback is one of the most treasured, venerated positions in all of sports, like a knight leading men into battle. The man with the plan, if you will. And what leads every day into battle? The Sun. That’s why Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass is the top of the line-up. His golden follicles will bring in the ladies and the touchdowns. The head honcho with a chill demeanor is a golden opportunity for a commissioner. Shane Falco is an outsider who made his name in the NFL as, get this, a replacement QB. He has tons of cheerleader connections and lives on a boat, so that means we’d have great tailgate parties. He’s in! My third round QB option is none other than Uncle Rico. He can throw a football over mountains and that’s a huge plus as well as his only viable skill. Boom goes the dynamite.

RUNNING BACK

1. Rod Tidwell (Jerry Maguire)

2. Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump)

3. Jake “Intimidation” Berman (Little Giants)

The Gameplan: Show me the money! And the running way down the field. Rod Tidwell is my numero uno for the position of running back if not purely for the entertainment factor. He’s a valuable commodity! He goes across the middle! He sees a dude coming at him, trying to kill him, he tells himself  “Get killed. Catch the ball!’ BOO YA! Touchdown! He makes miracles happen! He’s also a bit into himself as that’s all according to Rod. On the other end of the spectrum is Forrest Gump who, as we know, can run forever. What better attributes do you need in a running back? He also loves chocolate so we’d be friends. Minus the running. Last but definitely not least is the most influential man in all of sports, Jake “Intimidation” Berman, the scrawny nothing put the ‘little’ in Little Giants. One time his whole family went fishing, and he was the only one that didn’t throw up! Intimidation is his middle name. That’s good enough for me.

WIDE RECEIVER

1. Charlie Tweeter (Varsity Blues)

2. Petey Jones (Remember the Titans)

3. Air Bud (Air Bud: Golden Receiver)

The Gameplan: Charlie Tweeter is my sleeper pick for Wide Receiver, a position requiring the ability to run fast, catch the ball, and save the day aka score touchdowns. He is a foulmouth with what I would like to assume is a heart of gold since he turned down the opportunity to replace Mox at QB. That’s the kind of team player I’m lookin’ for. Plus have you seen the New Tweeder End Zone Dance? That’s pure six-point gold. Second up for WR is Petey Jones, technically a running back for the Titans we remember. Since this is a fantasy after all, I can do whatever I want, especially since the positions are so similar. I think pick number 3 is pretty obvious, and it may be a huge regret to not place such a phenomenal player at number one, but alas, so is life. Air Bud. Sure, he’s a dog, but he’s got talent even humans can’t deny. With those golden locks, there’s nothing he can’t do. An obedient player is a coach’s (and a man’s) best friend.

TIGHT END

1. Tim Riggins (Friday Night Lights)

2. Charles Jefferson (Fast Times at Ridgemont High)

3. Channing Tatum (Just existing in general)

The Gameplan: Let’s be real here for a second. Tight End. A position of speed and power, an ultimate athlete on the field. Also, it sounds like it’s about having a great butt, hence my third round TE pick, Channing Tatum, based purely on the fact we all saw his rear in Magic Mike and loved it. I’m sure he can run fast. And block a lot. What CAN’T he do, AM I RIGHT?! My first choice is Texas’ favorite Dillion Panther Tim Riggins. I’ve never had so much confidence in a person with such long, greasy hair, but Tim puts me at ease that when he says “Texas Forever” he means “Yes, I will be a great Tight End, also love you forever and always.” Charles Jefferson is my second choice TE even though I will have to ruin his car in order to get him angry enough to run down the other team, but I think its worth it, especially since it’s not my car anyway.

KICKER

1. Barney Gorman (The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon)

2. Kurt Hummel (Glee)

3. Gus (Gus)

The Gameplan: This research has proven one thing to me: Kicker is a weak position in the land of fiction unless we’re talking Bend It Like Beckham. As a NY Giants fan, I am reluctant to draft any Eagle (real or Philadelphian) but in this case, there is no better pick than the garbage picking, field goal kicking Philadephia Phenomenon Barney Gorman, which conveniently is the title of his bio feature. It’s a garbage man, it’s a kicker, wait, it’s superman! No, just a kicker, but still. Second kicker option is Kurt from Glee based solely on the fact that he included Beyonce in his “routine” and it works. Also, his Dad would be so happy and that would make me happy. Finally, Gus from the movie “Gus” which basically no one has seen. He’s a soccer playing pony that gets drafted as a kicker. That’s a real plot of a real movie. Thankfully, it works with my team draft since I get to finally fall back on my #1 rule: If theres a horse that can do it, sign them up!

DEFENSIVE LINE

1. The Titans (Remember the Titans)

2. The East Dillon Lions (Friday Night Lights)

3. The Entire Cast of Friends

The Gameplan: A good defense has their teams back; playing to prevent the opponents from scoring by breaking down their plays and confidence. A team that dances together while breaking down social and racial barriers wins together, isn’t that the saying? The Titans do just that and to be honest, I would assume most teams just want them to win anyway. Sign ‘em up! Second option for me here is (SPOILER ALERT) the East Dillion Lions. Coach Taylor has the devotion of a bunch of players from the Dillon hood, ready to prove themselves. That’s motivation and motivation converts to a pick-six. My third choice for my Defensive Line is the entire regular cast of the television show FRIENDS. The One with the Football where we see the true colors of Monica pulverizing HER OWN FRIENDS to win a Thanksgiving Day game really hits home. Plus, if your team is your family, and your friends are your family, then your team is your friends. That’s simple math. I would want them defending my goals everyday, football or not.

As my favorite football coach once told me, “Clear eyes, full DVR, can’t lose.”
*NOTE: Rudy can be subbed into the 3rd pick of any position.
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  1. What about Jason Street from Friday Night Lights for QB? Before his injury, though. Texas Forever!

  2. Cosigning Rod Tidwell. I support his search for the COIN.

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