*Disclaimer: The following is in no way my announcement that we have decided to never have children….Mom.
Let’s start with some adequate background knowledge, because any teacher worth their salt will tell you to always start with what you know. You should know that I am almost 29 years old, have been married for close to six years, am a (mostly) Evangelical Christian, a feminist and currently childless by choice.
So in light of this information, I’d like to comment on statements and questions I have personally received or heard.
1. “But the Bible calls us to be fruitful and multiply, so you aren’t in God’s will if you choose to not have children.”
Mmm, no. In the Old Testament, after God destroys the earth by flood, He tells Noah to go, be fruitful and multiply. This makes sense in the story and in the context. Pretty much the whole human race was gone, so, uh, go have some babies to replenish the supply. In the words of my husband’s former professor, “I think we’ve done that.” As for the “God’s Will” part, that’s another topic altogether.
*I actually had a pastor tell me I wasn’t in God’s will if I didn’t have children. So, Mother Teresa, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but ya weren’t following God.
2. “You don’t have children, so you don’t know.”
Maybe I don’t know what it’s like to go through labor, breastfeed, and live on such little sleep I start hallucinating, but having a child and having knowledge of parenting aren’t mutually exclusive. I’ve spent the past ten years working with kids of all ages, seeing first-hand, day in and day out the effects of poor parenting, no parenting, and exceptional parenting. Because I truly love my students, I “parent” them. I know what works for Juan and what doesn’t work for Layla. I cry with them, I laugh with them, I pray for them, I hurt for them. I have spent sleepless nights worrying if they are safe. I spend more time with them than their parents. So when someone tells me that “I have no idea,” it’s insulting to me as an educator and surrogate parent. Also, I was a child who was parented, so by default I do know something on the subject.
3. “Women who stay at home are somehow anti-feminism.”
I really thought the whole point of feminism was that women should be able to do whatever they want and not be limited with their life choices because of their gender. So if I choose to be a corporate lawyer without children, then it’s my choice. If I choose to be a stay-at-home mom, then it’s my choice. I personally think it takes great courage and self-sacrifice to stay with your kids if at all possible. And for the record, mothers who work are not automatically bad parents. Maybe they know themselves and know they are a better parent because of some time to themselves. Maybe there is simply no other choice. Maybe they are doing the best they can and we should all stop judging them.
4. “Why don’t you have children?”
I don’t think people mean to be insensitive with this question, but it is. Let’s start with the fact that the person being asked may be struggling with infertility and they desperately want to have children. And then you up and come along with your question and remind them, yet again, that they do not have a child. Also, how is this anyone’s business other than your own? People don’t go around asking, “How come you HAVE kids?” because it would be rude. Consider that asking why someone DOESN’T have kids is equally rude and insensitive.
5. “But having children is so fulfilling” (translation: not having them means an unfulfilled life)
I truly believe that having children is a wonderful, and in most cases, fulfilling thing for a couple to do. I also believe that one can lead a vastly fulfilling and meaningful life in the absence of children. Take for example, Mother Teresa, Jesus, Oprah.
6. “Not having children is selfish.”
selfish: concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare
Sure, not having children might very well be selfish, because it’s what you want to do. However, having children because you want them, can also be selfish. Just a thought.
7. “They let a woman with no kids teach a class on marriage and family?!”
I don’t even know what to say on this one. It’s even worse that a woman said this. Way to support each other sisters. Way to support.
You can read more from Adrienne Davis on her blog.
Feature image via.
How very refreshing. As Christians who were married relatively young (as most Christians do!) we were bombarded from the moment of our honeymoon with the “kids” question. We actually have fallen into the category of being unable to have children and I completely agree with point number 4 as being a very insensitive question. Surely the decision to have children is a personal one between partners. Why do folks feel it is an appropriate question to ask. How do I answer it? The truth and make people feel uncomfortable? I have to say that i did once give the truthful answer “we’re unable to have children”. The response was hilarious. They asked, “have you tried just relaxing?” Wow! I hadn’t thought of that! The cure for infertility – who knew!
So folks, please take a moment before asking the “kids” question!
I wish more people would give thought to having children before going ahead and having them. Not everyone is meant to be a parent. (And I MEAN a parent, because any two idiots with semen, eggs and a womb can be a father or mother. That’s just biology.) Mothers and fathers need to parent…they need to be moms and dads.
Just because you CAN do something, doesn’t mean you SHOULD. I applaud you!
I’m 28 and still don’t even think of having kids. I’m single, working and love travelling and studying; of course in my family they are shocked about it and ask me why I don’t have a boyfriend or starting my family. So I think every woman is free to choose how to live her life.
I am 35 and have endured most of the same questioning, probably because of my gender. My partner of almost 8 years hasn’t been harassed nearly as much as me. I knew from early on I could never see myself pregnant. I was the girl who dreamed of a fabulous career and adventurous life, not being married with kids. And then I met my current partner who feels the same way. I question traditions in our culture and I see how they have changed over the decades because our country gives us the freedom to do so. It is smart to recognize what doesn’t work for you and to not follow someone else’s path. I am so thankful to be living in this country for that reason, as I feel for the millions of women who came before us living with no rights or freedoms, their lives carved out for them from the day they were born. There are women today in other cultures who still endure this.
As far as “stay at home moms”, there is a growing number of fathers doing the same thing. A couple deciding what works best for their partnership is great, especially when gender role stereotypes are broken down. I do recognize that it’s not always the case, but it is happening.
I think number 6 is particularly true. I actually do ask people quite often why they want to have kids, and I think it all comes back to one selfish reason or another: “It’s fulfilling,” “I love kids,” “I want to leave behind my legacy, etc.” I have yet to hear, “WOW the world is SUCH a wonderful place, I can’t wait for more people to experience this. More people should exist to see how awesome this all is. Let’s make more people so they can share in this too.” The world is a terrible, unsafe place (more so for women, unfortunately). I think wanting kids is incredibly selfish, but having them is selfless, because once you have them, you get very little time to yourself. You stop being the most important person in your life.
My least favorite response when I say I do not want children? “That will change.” I find it superbly annoying and condescending. That being said, my absolute favorite response is: “Who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?” That one makes me reconsider.
I totally agree with all of this! I don’t want children because I don’t want to bring more people into our already overcrowded unsafe polluted world. This isn’t going to change when I’m married. This isn’t going to change when I’m older. I want to adopt a child. not a baby. And I don’t even like babies. “Well you’ll get that motherly instinct like your womb will want to have babies in it.” Look I’ve already felt that way (which may not be something everyone feels and I’ve only felt that way maybe once), and I have made a CONSCIOUS decision to ignore that and not have children.
I agree with a majority of the perspectives except for number 2. In the past, when hearing these same comments, I never reacted to the response in a similar demeanor, b/c to a certain extent, I always felt they were right. Being w/o a child myself, my profession as a therapist has led to many comments and attempted probes into my personal life, especially when it came to child-bearing and child-rearing. My job as a therapist promotes parents’ confidence in their own parenting. Regardless of how much experience I have, regardless of how much time I’ve spent with my child and adolescent clients, I don’t believe I have a right to argue with someone who believes I don’t “know” what it feels like. Even if I had children, I wouldn’t be able to relate to another parent b/c our life experiences are all unique. When I receive these comments, although they may appear offensive, I sympathize with these people b/c at times their reflections may come out of frustration. If they are truly parents and caretakers of these children, I would simply acknowledge their perspective and keep it moving.
Good thoughts Nichole. I especially agree with you on not feeling it is one person’s place to question the way someone else feels…or their perspective.
I do not want to have children and find that I have to defend that statement every single time I utter it. Has anyone ever asked a woman to do the same when she declared that she wants children? No and I find that beyond annoying.
And if a guy said that they didn’t want children, would anyone question their decision? Probably not.
I’m 28, and I’m not sure about having kids. If I decide to have children, it’ll be when I’m ready. And I know right now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I’m not. If I have children, I want to be more financially stable so I can offer them a comfortable, stable home. I want to be married to a man who I have a wonderful and healthy relationship with, so that we can be supportive, nurturing parents. I want to know that, as an adult, I experienced most of (if not all of) the things I wanted to do as an individual, so that I don’t have regrets gnawing at me during the 18+ years that I spend raising my child. I want to be a stable, mature, encouraging, nurturing parent and I want to give any future children I might have the best home possible. If it’s selfish to want those things for children that I haven’t even met yet… well, then, I must be “selfish” to my core.
But I’d be lying if I said there weren’t a MILLION things about having children that scare the living daylights out of me. And I think that’s ok. Forunately, my mom thinks I’m being really smart in my caution and isn’t pressuring me to pop out grandbabies. Having my parents in my corner on this issue helps A LOT. But, for some reason, my friends who have already had kids can’t seem to get their heads around the fact that I might not want children ever…. and if I do, I’m not in any hurry to have them. Like my choices about whether or not I have childen is somehow a reflection on them and their choices. There are times that I wonder if my friends (particularly my female friends) sometimes look at my life, miss being single/not a parent, and then take my caution as a judgment that their choices to get married/have kids was somehow the wrong thing. I don’t think it was wrong for them… I just think it’s not the right thing for me… right now.
But, at the end of the day, we all see other people’s lives thru the lens of our own. People can’t comprehend that someone might want to make different choices than they did and be completely content that way.
Great article. Articles like these need to be written more often so perhaps if the general public reads them enough they will change their tune about what women are “supposed to do,” with their lives. My husband and I have decided that kids aren’t in our future mainly because of financial reasons. An acquaintance’s response to that was, “My cousin has three kids and to make ends meet she sells plasma. You could do that if you really wanted kids.” Yes, because that sounds like an AWESOME life.
Kristin, I laughed out loud at the plasma response! Wow. Yes, most people are most likely never “completely ready” for kids emotionally or financially, and if you have them, then yes! Of course you will do what needs to be done to provide for your children; but that doesn’t mean you should go ahead and be proactive about it, knowing it would be financially irresponsible for yourself, your children, and society. I’m the type that if I ended up pregnant, it would be fine and we would be happy. I always loved the Julia Robert’s quote from Eat.Pray.Love. where she says something along the lines of, “Having kids is like getting a tattoo on your face. It’s totally great, but you should be 100% sure.”
People should understand that I’m not less of a woman if I choose not to have kids, or never getting married.
In my humble opinion, Ms. Garcia, that makes you MORE of a woman (in EVERY sense of the word.)
I’ve always that I don’t want children and I’ve always heard that it’ll change. So far, only reasons why I don’t want children have changed, and even though I’m not saying that I won’t want having children in the future, because, frankly, no-one can predict it, I think telling me that I’m not serious and looking down on me is very rude and inappropriate. Deciding to have children is not a matter of getting smarter or more mature – sometimes having one is most stupid thing one can do and I don’t understand why people can’t see it…^^
Absolutely Joanna! I completely think that I may very well want children later and the only (the only) pull I have for them now is the thought that if and when I want one in the future, I won’t be able to because of declining fertility (and major fertility treatments are just not for me). However, my husband and I are at peace with this decision and know we shouldn’t have a baby simply for fear of not being able to have one later (if we want one). Not a good enough reason. Also, if we want kids and cannot have one, yes, I’m sure we’ll mourn the idea of a biological child, but then we’ll celebrate the idea of bringing one into our family via adoption.
preach.
I’ve heard the “selfish”-argument more often than I care to remember! Really? Not having kids is selfish but having kids even if you know you’re not gonna be a good mum isn’t? Not everyone is born to be a parent and everyone should know that for themselves. So, if you don’t have the feeling that you can deal with being a mother (or father) not having kids is not selfish at all. Au contraire, it’s better for both sides than giving in to the pressure and suck at parenting!
This is perfect. Thank you.
Thank you for this.
This kind of also applies to women who don’t want to have a baby the “traditional” way. I’ve known since I was eight that I’m going to be an adoptive or foster mom. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard– that’ll change! You’ll want “your own”! Once you find out how expensive it is, you’ll change your mind (my response: delivering a baby in a hospital isn’t free and raising a child– regardless of the situation– will always cost money). It drives me absolutely bonkers. Especially the “having your own kids is ‘God’s will’ argument”– not only because I’m an atheist, but, if you think about it, wouldn’t giving your home to someone who needs it the more Christian thing to do??
Dana, thanks for your response!!! And I couldn’t agree more with the idea of adopting lining up with Christian beliefs. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Fortunately, it is becoming more common for Christians to adopt and I love this as (you said and can see) adoption is one of the most Christ-like acts a person could ever do. And you’re right about so many babies and children growing up without a family at all. In fact, your comment reminded me that while I’ve never (never) had a desire to have a biological child/be pregnant/have a baby, the idea of adoption has always held a pull for me. Yay for finding a like-minded no kids probably, but pro-adoption sista.
Great post! I completely agree with every point you made.
I love this article. I’m 20 years old, and I’ve been saying that I don’t ever want to have children since as long as I can remember. I can’t tell you how many people around me say you’re still young, when you get older you’ll want kids. It’s the most annoying thing in the world.