Olympic Events for the Average

When I was 8 years old, I started competitive gymnastics. I loved it. It was the perfect way for me to transform my violent streak into something socially acceptable and occasionally graceful. I also met my best friend there. I had dreams of going to the Olympics, but as time wore on, I realized this wasn’t going to happen. I’m still pretty upset about it. The other day, while watching the Olympic gymnastics trials, I felt jealous that not only could I not compete, I wasn’t even a contender. Then I thought, what about all the other regular folks? Can’t we have our time to shine, representing our country, doing the things we do best? The answer is yes! That is why I came up with some Olympic events that everyone can take part in.

The Spill Games:

This sport is specifically for those who, like myself, spill frequently. You could only enter this event if you spill at least once a day, be it a major or minor spill. The spill games consist of seeing who among the aforementioned daily spillers could go the longest period of time without spilling. It seems simple, but with the challenges of everyday life and the clumsiness of a daily spiller, this could be a challenge. I imagine the best set-up for this event would be a hidden camera in the spiller’s home as well as a camera crew following them around documenting their actions during the day. As a side note, I spilled while typing this and cannot remember a day that I haven’t dropped food on my clothing. I don’t think I would emerge victorious at The Spill Games.


Oh no, this isn’t your typical day at the beach. This competition takes place on the web, which is every bit as intense, minus the possibility of sharks. The surfing event in my version of the Olympics deals with the challenge of opening multiple browsers at a time. The web surfer who can successfully manage the most browsers without getting confused wins the gold. This is a chance for web surfers to hit the net running and make America proud!

No Shower Power:

This sport is simple. How many days can you go without showering? The only rule (and it’s a tough one) is that you have to live your life like you normally would. You can’t stay inside and hide from the world like a hermit. Whoever goes the longest is the winner. Not to brag, but I can go a pretty long time without showering and I also have no shame in terms of lax personal hygiene, so I’m pretty sure I’ve got the gold for this one. Silver and bronze are still up for grabs, though.

Extreme Clean-Face:

Now, this event is the complete opposite of The No Shower Power. This competition deals with the Olympian’s ability to adequately clean oneself before bed. I’m not just talking about brushing teeth, I mean the whole shebang, wash and exfoliate your face, floss your teeth, put on some sort of face lotion. This may seem easy but trust me, it’s a huge challenge when you’re tired. I don’t know about you guys, but every time I wash and exfoliate my face I feel this immense sense of unwarranted pride. Therefore, I believe this is a category in which Olympic medals are in order. The person who Extreme Cleans for the longest amount of time and for the most consecutive days wins the gold.

Extreme Clean-Kitchen:

This is in the same vein as the Extreme Clean-Face event but, as the name implies, it deals with kitchen cleanliness. Basically how well and how quickly you can clean up after yourself when you have finished preparing a meal. Again, every time I cook and immediately clean my dishes, I feel this sense of personal accomplishment, and I think it’s about time we are rewarded by the world at large for our ability to clean up after ourselves. (Note: Degree of extra difficulty points for dishes prepared with a lot of grease, or things you have inadvertently burned).

Law and Order SVU Marathon Watching:

I’m pretty positive that you can find an episode of Law and Order SVU on a number of channels at any time 24/7. This Olympic event would measure the success based on one’s ability to find and watch the most number of episodes, consecutively, without leaving one’s chair, before going insane and placing a frantic 911 call to Detectives Stabler and Benson.

Chew of Silence:

It seems like whenever I’m surrounded by people I get hungry and no matter how quietly I try to chew, I can’t. I think I get so nervous about being quiet that it becomes virtually impossible. I’d like to think I’m not alone in feeling this way therefore, as an Olympic event I propose The Chew of Silence, an event that tests your ability to silently chew. For this event you will be given only the crunchiest foods to eat, apples, pears, carrots, chips and dry cereal. You will then be forced to go to a place with the most pressure to be quiet, a movie theater. Once the movie starts rolling, the tension builds, as you are forced to chew your food as quietly as possible. The person who could eat the entire plate of food and emit the least amount of noise would win the Gold. I know it wouldn’t be me because, I’m not a good chewer under pressure but I’m sure there has to be a soundless muncher out there who can bring home the Gold.

These events are meant for the average American, the ones who would otherwise just be sitting at home on their couches, watching people rack up the medals on the Summer Olympics. Think about it: wouldn’t it be great to have a country filled with Olympic medalists, not just the swimmers and track stars and gymnasts, but medalists skilled at eating and drinking, cleaning, surfing the web, and watching television? The Olympics should not be limited to those who are ridiculously athletic, but should include categories in which every American might have the ability to shine. Personally, I can’t think of anything that would make me, or our founding fathers, more proud.

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