Can you feel it? That magic? That sound of one very large boat crashing against the waves of destiny? The time has come, my children. Gather ’round as we bask in the sound of that singing lady’s voice and Rose Dewitt-Bukater’s hats and coo along to ‘My Heart Will Go On’. Let’s descend upon the Atlantic and join Bill “The Extreme” Paxton and his unquenchable thirst for jewels and hoop earrings. Let’s cry with the best of them and wonder aloud to ourselves, “Why WASN’T there enough room for both of them on the wardrobe door?”
We have a lot to discuss. Let’s not waste time.
Are you ready to go back to Titanic?
1) Hands up if you fast-forwarded everything up until Old Rose arrives
Listen. I love Bill “The Extreme” Paxton as much as the next Twister aficionado, but NOBODY CARES about the part that James Cameron obviously cared the most about. (Please see: he just dropped down to the deepest part of the ocean for reasons unbeknownst to us, viewers of Titanic). Like, wow. Great machinery and footage. You’ve done a really good job at going down to the bottom of the ocean and recreating this part of the movie where all of us just kind of sit and think, “YES BUT BRING US LEONARDO DICAPRIO!” Remember that feeling, guys? We all have it RIGHT NOW!
1. b) But in all seriousness, what is that muddy, red liquid that comes out of the safe?
Is it mud and water? How did the mud get in there? Isn’t the safe airtight? I’m actually asking seriously, so if you are an expert on mud and water and the effect of an airtight safe in the bottom of the ocean, please weigh in. But only if you are an expert on mud and water and the effect of an airtight safe in the bottom of the ocean.
2) Are you kidding me that Rose never told ANYBODY she was once on Titanic
I’m just going to go out on a limb here, but if you were on the biggest cruise ship disaster in the history of the ocean’s vast blueness, would you not tell EVERYBODY?! Like, I know she’s hiding from her family and her namesake and Billy Zane, but a few years later, when you’re married with kids and Billy Zane’s dead and it’s been, well, maybe even thirty or forty years since “the incident”, would you not scream it from the rooftops? Am I doing it wrong? Am I just really bad at secret keeping? The answer to both of those questions is “yes”. But the better, more appropriate answer is “I am totally right.”
3) I am just going to say it: that drawing is terrible
It is SO BAD. I couldn’t do it, but her eyes! They look dead! Kate Winslet doesn’t have dead eyes. Kate Winslet is Kate Winslet: our generation’s Meryl Streep! But here is why I think the drawing is so bad:
1) James Cameron drew it. And that is an actual fact, and there is nothing we can do to un-know that, or to come back from that or to not think of how awkward that would’ve been for everyone aside from James Cameron. You heard it here first, guys. And in like, every book about the Titanic movie ever written.
2) Jack Dawson was the worst drawer in the world. He was a homeless “artiste”. Guys, today he would live in the “hippest” part of town and tell everyone he didn’t “need” a job because he wanted to “create”. Then, a few years later, you would see him working … somewhere. Not drawing. Because he was fine, but certainly not great.
4) “Are you ready to go back to Titanic?”
I WAS BORN READY, BILL “THE EXTREME” PAXTON.
5) Titanic‘s true star: Rose’s hat
There’s the ship, and that’s all well and good, but we’ve got that hat and WHATTA HAT IT IS. Look at this thing! This is a HAT! This thing could afford to have a few lifeboats as well, if I’m telling the truth, which I am. The only thing I ever wanted in the history of the world when I saw this movie was a hat like Rose’s. And her hair. And even a fraction of Kate Winslet’s talent. BUT now we are getting into “2012 Anne” and I was not on or in Titanic.
6) AAAAAAAND the poker game
I just… I don’t know. What is it about Fabrizio that makes me want to punch the Swedish guy in the face just like that other Swedish guy did when they lose the card game? (I DO NOT CONDONE VIOLENCE.) (Also, I am sure that the actor who played Fabrizio is probably the coolest.) Seriously, I think we’re supposed to really “like” Fabrizio and I think he’s supposed to bring us “comic relief”. But he doesn’t! You know who does? Kathy Bates, my personal hero. And that wonderful Irishman. Fab, you’re a good guy, you really are, and I’m sorry that – SPOILER ALERT – a smokestack’s going to crush you to death, but pour yourself a glass of wine and just RELAX already.
7) “Like a boss” – Rose Dewitt-Bukater
COLLECT ART (like a boss).
YELL AT CAL (like a boss).
MAKE BRUCE ISMAY HATE HIMSELF (like a boss).
STARE OFF INTO SPACE (like a boss).
QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS (like a boss).
8 ) And on that topic, Rose Dewitt-Bukater was totally having a quarter-life crisis
Right, so Rose Dewitt-Bukater was supposed to be a 17-year-old girl (WHAT?!) and as a 17-year-old girl, she’s supposed to marry Cal, who is 47 years old, give or take a few days. Now, imagine you were 17. Imagine it. And now imagine you had to marry Cal, who is 47 years old, give or take a few days. And then bada-bing, you get taken on a giant boat with your family and they love him and then they’re like, “We’re poor, so sacrifice your happiness, please.” WE WOULD ALL THROW OURSELVES OFF BOATS. Or not. No, we probably wouldn’t. BUT we would probably be willing to throw it all away for a guy who actually doesn’t have a job or an actual place to live.
And don’t even get me started on the “going to throw myself off the boat” scene.
9) But fine, I will: why did it take so long for Rose Dewitt-Bukater to tell everyone that Jack WASN’T trying to assault her?
So. We go from the two crew members finding them in a compromising position to the time it took to handcuff Jack, call Cal, get Cal to get to that part of the ship, give Rose Dewitt-Bukater a blanket and a hot cup of cocoa for her to be like, “Oh, it was an accident.” I get the song goes ‘Protect Ya Neck’, but Rose. Come on. This movie was three minutes away from becoming The Shawshank Redemption.
10) What a terrible reward, “going to dinner”
Not that monetary rewards dictate my actions, but you save this girl’s life and then some rich dude is going to give you like, $20, but then he doesn’t and invites you to dinner with his FRIENDS? His insufferable friends? What a terrible time. “Thank you for saving my fiancee! Let me insult you and force you to hang out with people you will probably hate.” OH GOD, CAN I? WHEN? WHAT TIME SHOULD I BE THERE? SEE YOU SOON!
11) “I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD!”
I will have you guys know that my Dad would not see this movie when it came out BECAUSE of this scene. My Dad: “I hate that. I hate how he yells that.” I’m pretty sure my Dad STILL hasn’t seen it. I loved it when I was 12, though. I also love to think that Leonardo DiCaprio says it to himself every time he gets a new film role.
12) The spitting scene = UGHHHHHHHH
How did this part of the movie make it in? So she could spit in – SPOILER ALERT – Cal’s face at the ending during the sinking scene? Was that really James Cameron’s reasoning? “I need her to spit in his face. It is important we have a full scene dedicated to Jack showing her how to spit correctly.” I mean, I’m not a filmmaker or anything, but I might as well be with all of this common sense I am bestowing on this cinematic wonder.
13) “Meet me at the clock” [WINK]
YEAH YOU WILL, JACK DAWSON. I mean, can we please talk about stealth for a second? We’ve got Jack Dawson FULL-ON delivering a secret message to his lady-love IN FRONT OF HER FIANCE, and it’s like, hell-o initiative. I’m just saying that if you’re into someone, then do that. Do EXACTLY that because the person you like will be so impressed that they will leave whatever party they’re at and then accompany you to an Irish pub. These are the important lessons I’ve learned.
14) But seriously, greatest party ever
You know that movie Project X? Even that party doesn’t compare to Jack Dawson’s steerage party that includes but is not limited to:
– folk dancing (I think)
– beer chugging
– a live band
– that weird spinny dance I would’ve KILLED to do at a grade seven dance because I was obsessed with this movie to the point of buying both Titanic soundtracks and listening to them all day, every day, all the time, for several months
– a weird, creepy guy spying on a happy-ish couple
15) And as for Lovejoy, YIKES
“Hey, I would like a job, please,” is what I’m assuming Lovejoy said when meeting Cal. “Yes!” responded Cal. “What about being my personal assistant and by ‘personal assistant’ I mean, ‘spy on people I know and blah blah blah stalk them and I think be my only friend.'” And then Lovejoy said yes, and the first bromance was born.
16) I would hate getting a necklace like The Heart Of The Ocean
I know I should’ve said this earlier, but right? Am I right? (“LADDIIEESSSS!”) What would you even WEAR with that thing? Can I just get maybe a gift card to Tim Hortons or to Starbucks or maybe like, a meal that I can’t normally afford? Just… no. I would like a gift receipt please, because I would like to return the ish out of that thing.
17) How many times do Jack and Rose say Jack and Rose?
So many times! So many times that even when I was 12, my friends and I would say, “Let’s count how many times Jack and Rose say Jack and Rose!” You think I’m kidding? Guys, wait for next week when we get into the heart of the
matter ocean. I might even keep count. I don’t know, and I can’t promise, but I MIGHT. It might actually be a thing that I do, and if I do it (I can’t promise I will), I will have no regrets about starting the greatest eating/drinking game to ever exist.
18) “I’M FLYING!”
SO BEAUTIFUL AND HEARTWARMING when we were 12 and 13 and older and younger and when we saw this for the first time and this was new and exciting, BUT can we all just agree that if a gentleman caller did say, “Hey, let’s recreate the Titanic scene with the flying,” I’d be like, “I… can’t do that because that is weird and I don’t like risking my life by climbing up that high on a ship and I’m actually afraid of heights, and in retrospect, can we just maybe make out inside because it’s early April in the middle of the ocean and I’m freezing.” Or am I out in left field up in here?
19) And then there was the portrait scene
That prevented this movie from being shown at school on snow days. (When I could’ve used this three hour delight to sway the poor young man I was convinced I would marry.) (We weren’t dating.) Way to go, Canadian 14A rating.
20) HELLO, romantic escape/run through the boiler room (sexy!)
Well, we know that in no way, shape or form would Rose have actually flipped the bird if she was “the lady” she was claiming to be, BUT STILL. That soundtrack! The steam! The flowing dress! Recess at school was fun, because playing tag was EVEN BETTER when you were pretending to run away from Lovejoy, the ultimate freak. God, and then they up in the car, AAAAAAAAND…
21) SPEAKING of sexy, WHOSE HAND IS THAT?
One of the greatest mysteries of all time. Whose? WHOSE?! I can’t figure it out because it looks a little feminine, but also the juxtaposition . . . I don’t. I still don’t know. I genuinely have no idea, and I have thought about this A LOT over the past 15 years. I’d say “trust me,” but I think by this point you know I am not kidding around about anything, ever.
(Worst “let’s do this” line I’ve ever heard, by the way.)
22) Just imagine your friend in high school told you she was running away with a guy she met on a boat
Because that is ACTUALLY what Rose Dewitt-Bukater was going to do. I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, that was obviously the most romantic thing I’d ever heard in the history of my 12 years, but at 26 I could honestly say I would have to say, “But wait – where did you say you lived again?” Then again, according to Billy Zane, “A real man makes his own luck,” so maybe Jack Dawson was going to live in a big house of luck. (Discuss: DID Jack Dawson live in a big house of luck?)
23) UH OH, THE ICEBERG
And so it begins! GOODBYE, ROMANTIC PERIOD DRAMA. HELLO, TRAGEDY. Do you hear that? The soundtrack’s kicking in, things are about to get real, there’s ice on the deck and people are dying and metal doors are closing and things are getting OUT of control all up in here. We go from “When this ship docks, I’m getting off with you” to “UH OH WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.” Some (me) might even say that the Titanic hit the iceberg BECAUSE it was like, “Oh HELL NO, Rose. You’re 17, girl! The man lives in a luck house!”
24) Really, you planted the Heart Of The Ocean in Jack’s pocket?
This is just one of those twists that upsets me. YOU ARE THE WORST, CAL. And Lovejoy. That goon! But in all fairness, yeah, I probably would’ve assumed that Jack had stolen it too like Rose did right away because I mean, you’ve known him for two days, and all we know about him is that he really likes to spit and draw nudes.
25) “This ship will sink.”
AND WILL IT EVER.