Am I allowed to get real for a minute? Because I’m going to. I’m going to get real about two things:
1) I know I promised we’d start Christmas movies this week, BUT I can’t count or do math, so I made my schedule starting next week.
2) I LOVE THE WEDDING SINGER AND I CAN’T KEEP IT TO MYSELF ANYMORE.
I just can’t. It’s too much. I know it by heart, and I have the soundtrack downloaded and memorized, and everytime I see Nucky Thompson, I assume he’s going to get drunk and cry about how he is the best guitar player in the WORLD, self taught, no guitar lessons, thank you very much, POP (and dazzle Rothstein and the rest of Atlantic City with his raw honesty).
And I shouldn’t feel bad about that. So because we did a scary movie last week, and are doing Christmas movies starting next week, we need SOMETHING to tide us over during this all-encompassing grey area. Enter: Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore, and that wig Adam Sandler wears. And our hearts, you guys. Our hearts.
1. Wedding singers REALLY aren’t a thing anymore, eh?
Or bands, for that matter. I’m really sorry if you’re in a wedding band, but it is a colossal bummer if there’s a wedding and you want to listen to ThA HiTz, and you’re given a live band that yes, knows the hits, but is NOT the record containing the original hit. I KNOW. I’M THE WORST. But come on! I want to listen to the ACTUAL “Rasputin”! None of this “weird cool cover” crap! Weddings are NO TIME to be cool! THEY ARE A TIME FOR THE HITS ALL THE RECORDED HITS.
2. “Best man! BETTER man!”
This is seriously Steve Buscemi’s finest role. I know he’s actually a wonderful dramatic actor, but this. THIS: “I’m a person too, Pop, goddamn it! I’m a person too!” – “You’re a MORON!” – [hurt, destroyed look]
Essentially, this speech is my life. Not really, or at all, because I am nothing like the groom’s brother David, but every time I make a mistake, I will announce that “I’m a MORON!”, while also revelling in how great I am at guitar (without actually holding one) (or being able to play at all). And if the producers of Boardwalk Empire are reading this, I see this as a wonderful story arc for Nucky Thompson — especially if he abandons his life as a bootlegger and begins wedding singing.
3. The Adam/Drew union is everything great about 1998
NOW, true to the Anne Donahue PG-13 rule (a.k.a. my mom and dad weren’t into me watching PG-13 movies until I was 13), I didn’t get to see The Wedding Singer until I was 13. HOWEVER, I turned 13 just in time for it to be on my aunt and uncle’s satellite dish when I babysat my little cousin, so imagine how much glory I was in when I was given the love story between Drew and Adam (albeit a fictional one). GUYS. If “shipping” is that thing where you want two people to date, this is it! I mean, I don’t want them to date NOW, as it’s been almost 20 years, and Drew’s married and Adam’s married and they have kids, and it’s 2012. But then? THEN?! Remember how awestruck you were at how funny and nice Adam Sandler seemed? And how badly you wanted Drew Barrymore’s hair? I truly thought I had Drew Barrymore’s hair. Turns out I did not, and that I actually can’t wear a centre part to save my life.
LIVE AND LEARN #YOLO
4. GRANDMA ROSIE!
Elderly people are my very favourite people. They are just better than us. They’ve earned being better than us! They’ve gone through stuff we could NEVER EVEN DREAM OF. So whenever I see someone like Grandma Rosie (WHO IS 99 YEARS OLD NOW), I embrace it. I also try to, say, apply “the meatball scene” to anytime I’m overly thankful to one of my friends for doing anything kind. Luckily, they are also Wedding Singer fiends, so they understand why I grab their hands and say, “YOU LISTEN TO ME, ROBBIE HART!” and/or “I want to watch you enjoy, that’s the BEST PART!”
5. “OH GOD!! GOD…”
Are you guys keeping up with the quotes I’m using to give my “AHHH!!!” thoughts narrative? I can’t help it. I’m sorry. But I’m not. I’m NOT sorry. Because, again, like a beautiful, wonderful litmus test, I will say “OH MY GOD [fake sobbing] GOD…” when something goes awry, only to see if my friends and/or loved ones can pick up on it or return with “Do you really want to hurt. me.” For bonus points, I will try and look like George as its happening. Try, being the operative word. If I could actually LOOK like George, then I’d be really cooking with gas.
Not the scene I’m talking about, but GEORGE, YOU GO, GUY.
6. Linda is the worst BUT I mean, also fair
OKAY, so first and foremost, yes, what Linda did was terrible, leaving Robbie at the alter on the day of their wedding (as opposed to the day they went to the store and looked at alters). BUT she did not lie to herself or to him which we should all 100% applaud. What’s crappy here isn’t that Linda changed her mind, it was HOW she changed her mind. Maybe give him a call, Linda. Talk to him on the phone. Send him a letter. But just not showing up is like that Foreigner song, “Cold As Ice,” sung by Gob in that episode of Arrested Development.
However, she did obviously do him a favour. I mean, yes, Robbie is sent into the spiral of self-loathing, BUT imagine how much deeper that spiral would go if he had gotten married to someone who didn’t love him? PERSONALLY I think she makes a good point. Maybe he DIDN’T care who he was marrying! We don’t know! Who knows?! (Well, we find out.) But still! I’m not #TeamLinda, but I’m not #AntiLinda.
I’m #Linda. Just… her name. Since I can’t commit to an actual stance. (“OH GOD!! …GOD”)
7. But why is Julia with Glen?
FIRST AND FOREMOST: imagine this was actually Glen from Mad Men? IMAGINE GLEN FROM MAD MEN GREW UP TO BE GLEN GULIA (because his mom remarried)?!?! Let’s pretend. Second, why is Drew Barrymore marrying him? He obviously doesn’t care about her…? Since he just bought her plane tickets to Las Vegas without consulting her? And said, “It’s more important to you anyway”? (Red flag!) Though I will be honest: I can understand why the ladies dig Glen. He is a handsome man. Minus every other aspect of him that is terrible.
8. “I live in my sister’s basement…”
Again with the quotes. I know. But can we all just accept that it’s literally all I can do not to sing and speak along with this movie? I don’t even have an actual point for this quote. I just really wanted to include “I live in my sister’s basement” so that when you listen to Madonna’s “Holiday” you won’t be able to sing it without including that line.
9. But seriously Robbie is on an insane … dark time
Linda left Robbie at the alter, and it was TERRIBLE. YES. But MAN ALIVE, man! Get it together! This is madness! In all my 27 years I’ve never met anyone who turned into this version of themselves in times of terrible heartbreak and sorrow. They just went to work and were quieter. Sad, yes, but they’d never ruin somebody else’s wedding…? I mean, we laugh (because it’s hilarious) (and because it’s fictional), but if this were real, IMAGINE? Help would be needed. More help than any of us could give. And then he would look back on this and call it “the dark time” because it is, guys. It truly is.
10. The “Love Stinks” scene is so reflective of grade nine it’s not even fair
I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times I tend to cling to pop culture when life goes awry. SO grade nine was no different when my friend Andrea and I spent almost an entire day screaming “LOVE STINKS!” just like Adam Sandler because . . . I THINK Andrea was just humouring me? But I was sad over a guy . . . ? I think? I have no proof or memory. That’s obviously how big the problem was. I CAN’T REMEMBER IT 13 YEARS LATER. I just know we were in science class, and people were like, “Um… okay?”
I REGRET NOTHING. (I kind of regret that.)
11. I can confirm that 85% of this movie’s jokes went over my head when I was little
I say “little” like 13 is little when you’re actually in high school, BUT STILL. “Little” in that when I babysat, I turned on all the lights in the house and my aunt and uncle still make fun of me for thinking there were murderers hiding somewhere. I watched a lot of Unsolved Mysteries growing up WHAT CAN I SAY. Anywho! So many jokes, you guys! Mostly, anything having to do with Robbie’s sister’s husband. And his sex life with Robbie’s sister. Basically, it takes being an adult to realize that nobody ever wants to know the details of your sex life if it involves a family member. And when I say “an adult” I mean “me as an adult” because I am assuming all of you picked up on the jokes sooner than me because I was too busy still laughing at the name “Julia Gulia.”
12. Julia and Glen’s wedding is exactly why I don’t think I want a “wedding”?
I mean LISTEN. I get why people like weddings, and I get that Glen and Julia’s wedding isn’t real because they’re not real. But all of this work? No thank you. Am I wrong? (No.) I get why people like weddings. I absolutely understand. I love going to them as well provided there is a lot of food and the dance portion is long. But having to have my own? UGHHHHH NO. I can’t. I’m sorry, but I just can’t be bothered. Here is how I’ll probably get married: I will go to a place and sign papers with the dude I want to marry. Then we will be married. Then we tell whoever we want, and then have a lot of drinks and food at our home…? Who knows. The moral of the story is already look at this engagement party! All of this work! I’m not up for it. If you are, awesome. #YGG But I am not.
13. Robbie versus Jason! It’s everything
“You know, my parents died when I was ten, would you like to talk about that?” – “Why would we want to talk about that?” – “I don’t know.”
Never. Fails. To make me. Laugh.
(I will never type a sentence like that again.) (Until probably later in this piece.)
14. What is up with the little boy who makes the ass grab?
RIGHT?! For the record, I am ALL FOR THIS KID BEING HAPPY, but remove your hands from the derriere, sir! I mean, not to get all lecture-y here, but then it teaches him that he CAN dance like that, and he can just go for the grab, and it’s like ughhhh now he’s going to be a nightmare when he’s 26. Did I just suck all the joy out of the scene? (Yes.) I’M SORRY. But as the resident Old Lady Night writer, I have to be the person who’s like, “Okay, but for the record, gentlemen, ladies, never touch someone without asking.”
NOW THAT WE HAVE THAT CLEAR, let’s talk about the cake-tasting scene because all of those samples look delicious. (That’s coming up EVENTUALLY)
15. And now: John Lovitz arrives!
AND I’M REAPING ALL THE BENEFITS! Me, as the viewer! LADIES NIGHT! Here’s another example of how The Wedding Singer has infringed on my life: I can’t hear “Ladies Night” without singing it exactly like this, and then doing the dance, and hiding behind somebody’s curtain and smiling like a maniac. And frankly, if that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.
16. Robbie’s song was another one of those “grade nine scream-a-thons”
In that I would scream it in the halls with my friend Andrea and also replace Linda’s name with the guy I actually liked, I think? Oh my God, OH MY GOD, I think I DID. Oh boy. Yikes. Okay, now THAT is something I do not recommend unless you would like the rumour mill to spread and the guy in question so not speak with you. Especially if you weren’t actually dating. And you just called him sometimes while Who Wants To Be A Millionaire was on. And you two just sat on the phone in silence because no one was actually speaking. And you had found his phone number in the phone book. …Or had gotten it from your mom, who was friends with his mom. (And you two weren’t friends.) (Steve Walter, if you’re reading this, I am SO SORRY about that.) #flashbacks
17. Well DUH Robbie likes Julia
OBVIOUSLY. How is it in movies the people who like each other never realize they like each other until the last possible minute? Right?! Or am I weird in that I realize I like someone too soon? Like, “OH GOD I LIKE THAT PERSON” and he’s looked at me one time. EITHER WAY, if I were kissing someone like this:
I would absolutely know that I liked them. Also, how awkward is it that Holly’s like, “Hey, you two kiss! We’re all adults here!” Um, yeah, but I DON’T DO THAT WITH JUST RANDOM GUYS I KNOW?! Like, yes, we ARE all adults here, but let’s all tone it down a notch and why are we kissing? Also why is that dramatic music playing? These are just some of the questions I would have if I were in Julia’s position. Also, I would obviously call off my wedding because DUH, she’s in love with Robbie too. (!!!!)
18. I’m watching the uncut version and it is hell
IT IS ALWAYS HELL. I’m sorry, movie I love — MOVIES, I love, I should say — but the uncut version is always the worst. On every movie. Always. NOBODY EVER WANTS THE UNCUT VERSION. WHY WOULD I WANT IT? It’s not the one I saw! It’s not the one I went to the movie theatre and said, “Hey! I think I’ll own this one day!” about. BUT HERE WE ARE. And now I’m watching some weird scene with Rosie and Robbie and Julia asking Robbie out for Holly, and . . . I don’t like it. I just need you guys to know because obviously this is making me feel very alone. Ugh. …No. NO! I have to fast forward it. I have to. There’s just no other way out.
19. Okay whew now they’re at the club
“At the club.” Because I’m not only 87, I am also my Lithuanian Nana. Personally, I think this club looks hoppin’. They’re playing Blue Monday and people are dancing, and Robbie and Glen are dressed like dads, but sure! It’s the ’80s. #YOLO Now the real question of the hour is why is everyone even here and/or having the worst time? Holly is feeding Robbie fries…? And Glen is bored and checking out waitresses. Robbie’s in love with Julia, and Julia is binge drinking because everything about this situation could not be more painful if anyone tried. And that’s when we find out Glen is a cheater. A TERRIBLE HORRIBLE CHEATER with the worst car that looks like it’s from space. GTFO Glen, you AND your space car.
20. Why is no one being honest though?
There is just no honesty going on in this situation. I mean, if I were Robbie I would tell EVERYONE about Glen being the worst. I’d tell Holly, and then I’d tell Julia. And then I’d tell Glen that I’d told on him because I’d need to complete the rule of three. THEN, if I were Julia I’d break off the engagement because regardless of whether Robbie liked me, I still shouldn’t be marrying this other guy because I like somebody else (named Robbie). AM I CORRECT? Yes. I am. I AM correct.
21. Robbie’s approach to money is ALL OF OUR APPROACHES
Finances, AM I RIGHT? No, but seriously, I don’t understand how finances work. Remember when I told you guys about working at the bank? I had to pretend SO HARD there 99.9% of the time. Every time someone came in I prayed all they wanted to do was deposit some coins or maybe some bills. A cheque under $1000 was also okay because otherwise I needed to get an initial. And I can promise you that even now, if I were to go apply for a finance job like Robbie Hart (and I wouldn’t, because in ANY OTHER INDUSTRY I am unemployable), I would probably also end up telling him about my money jar. (That I do have, in my closet, above my clothes.) (That currently contains about $2.52 in change.)
22. But the fight between Robbie and Julia is just weird
NO COMMUNICATION DOT COM. I mean, WHY. Why couldn’t she just say, “Robbie what’s wrong with you?” and Robbie could say, “Um. I have feelings for you and I don’t know how to process them.” But, alas, we need a conflict. And yes, this part CLEARLY gets me stressed out because DAMN IT SHE MADE HIM PERSONALIZED MUSIC PAPER, and now he’s going to hook up with Linda after being punched in the face by Glen. Cue: Daniel Powter’s “Bad Day” because YIKES.
23. Also, WHO’S MOM SAYS IT’S JUST “COLD FEET”
I just feel like nobody’s mom would ever say “you should get married even though you’re crying about not wanting to.” There’s a difference between the jitters and crying about being in love with somebody else. The jitters would be, “Ahh! I’m a little stressed out and nervous” while “I’m making a huge mistake” would be “Hi, it’s nice to meet you, I’m Mrs. Robbie Hart or whoever else I’m NOT marrying on Saturday.” And then Adam Sandler sees her in the window? And it’s like… NO ADAM SANDLER. SHE IS PRETENDING SHE’S MARRIED TO YOU! (Am I a bad person because I would think, “WHATEVER I have to tell this guy anyway” despite him being dressed in… a … wedding suit (?!) and standing in front of a mirror…?
24. Oh my word and then Lind answers the door in Robbie’s shirt
And Glen is in bed sleeping in … briefs? Are those briefs? Has anybody else seen this movie and wants to talk about it? Because here are my questions:
a) Why is Linda making up what Robbie’s up to? I mean, what if Julia was someone who was an employer? Or a family member he had found?
(Even Linda’s confused)
b) WHY IS GLEN SLEEPING IN … A WANNABE THONG? I hate it. I think even Glen hates it. Actor who played Glen, DID YOU HATE IT?
c) Why not just break up with Glen in general, Julia? I mean, she doesn’t want to be with Glen. So break up with Glen! Just be single, then! (Not that you will be, because YOU + ROBBIE = TRU LUV 4EVER, BUT STILL.) BUT I’m trying here, people. I’m JUST TRYING TO HELP/YOUR PATIENCE.
25. But then it’s fine! IT’S FINE BECAUSE OF THE SONG
And the truth! And the love! and the laughter! And the success of this relationship! And Billy Idol! BILLY IDOL. LOOK:
See? Drew Barrymore is even excited about how excited we all are. Thank you, Drew Barrymore! Thank you, Adam Sandler! But more importantly, THANK YOU, STEVE BUSCEMI.
And all of you. All of you, forever. Next week? CHRISTMAS. With a little movie I like to call… I will tell you next week. [SUSPENSE]