OH MY GOD, I have so many feelings. We all know how this began (by watching The Sound Of Music – Part 1), but I just revisited the scene where Maria leave and the overture starts, and it’s just like, OH MY GOD GOODBYE YOU’RE LEAVING MARIA AHHHHH. I mean, ‘Edelweiss’! And dancing! And then Maria runs down the stairs wearing her “I Have Confidence” clothes and carrying her bags and she has ZERO AMOUNTS OF CONFIDENCE NOW!
Oh my God and now she’s leaving a note, and I have seen this 25925825 times, and I am still like, “NO! Don’t leave! YOU’RE LIKE THEIR MOTHER NOW!”
And now she’s shut the door and the screen’s gone black and it says “intermission” and oh look! It’s started again.
1. I love this soundtrack, but YOU ARE KILLING ME right now with the instrumental overture
Just give us the goods, Rogers & Hammerstein! We get that Austria’s beautiful. We get that I desperately want to visit that gorgeous country but I have approximately $2.37 in my bank account until I get paid next, and I had to choose between an 89-cent Mars bar and splurging on Cookies & Cream today. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US. WHAT HAPPENED.
2. Kids, calm down with the Baroness
Like, we get it kids, everybody hates the Baroness. But you guys are the worst. And it’s not her fault Maria left! (Actually it is, but these guys don’t know that, so I mean, give it a rest, kids.) And you know what? I’m not good with kids, either. I would hate playing catch in that weird circle with the numbers. What game are they even playing? They are literally just tossing the ball back and forth and saying numbers. Is there a rhythm to this? Why aren’t they playing King’s Court? Now THERE’S a game I can get behind. Also, 2592582 points for the Baroness’ super-cool violet outfit. But let’s laugh at this, at least:
3. Maria seriously gave these kids depression for real
I mean, now they’re singing “The Hills Are Alive” in a minor key, and the Captain is just looking at them like, “WOOF.” I hear you cap-ee-tan. We’re all sad. But shout-out to Maria for leaving under the cloak of darkness and sending these kids into a psychological tailspin. Also, WHAT A GENTLEMAN Captain Von Trapp is for not dragging her name through the mud when he probably was like, “Maria is insane for real and she has broken my heart.” And as if he just told the kids what the note said like, what … six weeks later?
4. Nope, the Baroness is NOT your new mother, guys
WOW. Just… no. So their Mom dies – at ages the oldest ones totally remember, by the by – and now they have a new and improved mom (noooope) who doesn’t even want to sing or play king’s court (no offense, Baroness – you know I love you). And then they all walk up to her awkwardly giving her that weird half-cheek kiss each. I would hate that! I would be like, “Guys. No. None of us are happy about this REALLY, but hey – I mean, want to try a drink? It sometimes helps me when I need to block out how upset I am about something. I put a little something in this pink lemonade.”
Okay, I’m kidding. But just in case any naval captains are reading this, I would like you to know that I don’t think I’d be a great candidate for your seven children.
5. Maria is in “seclusion”
Like, are you kidding me, Maria? A beaaaaaaautiful wonderful guy loves you and you lock yourself in a room? Are you HOWARD HUGHES? (Maybe!) (No. But imagine?) (Oh my god and imagine Leonardo DiCaprio played her in a remake and it was ACTUALLY just The Great Gatsby.) Basically what I’m saying here is MARIA. Calm down. You’re hysterical – just like Sally Draper when Betty calls her hysterical. Or a little more. (Or a lot more because Sally was crying about Grandpa Gene.)
6. Love the outfit cross-over scene pt. 2
So we don’t really NEED to see that they have a new applicant (eh?) but we DO need to know why Maria’s going to be wearing a brand spanking new outfit, so BOOM. Cue: beautiful printed dress.
7. “I don’t know – I DON’T KNOW!”
Okay, so I’m really good at impressions, according to me, trying to remember how I sounded at age 11, and I used to make my Dad laugh A LOT when I would impersonate Maria’s freakout when the Reverend Mother asks, “Do you love him?” and she responds, “I don’t know – I DON’T KNOW!” I mean, I had a bob haircut and was pretty chubby for my size, and I was impersonating an English actress, so either way – I was a hit!
8. Ugh, “Climb Every Mountain”
But you know what is not a hit? “Climb Every Mountain,” the song WE ALL fast forwarded through because nobody wants to hear it. Like, the Reverend Mother has a BEAUTIFUL voice. It is beautiful. My mom cries EVERY TIME she hears this song, and my Nana LOVED it. But when you’re 11, you are just like “WHY ARE YOU SINGING ABOUT THIS BRING US THE GOAT-HERD!” And you are totally justified in that. I mean, even Maria is just leaning on that counter in her nun garb thinking, “Okay, but maybe this is the time we TALK about it. Because you’re not even really telling me what to do…? You’re just singing?” And she is correct, because this song just keeps on going. It doesn’t stop! And now the Reverend Mother is looking out the window, and Maria’s standing behind her looking beautiful and lovely with the soft lighting, and there’s STILL no actual discussion being had at all. Zero amounts.
So basically what I’m saying is that the next time anybody asks me for advice I will sing this song because maybe if you play it backwards it has the meaning we’ve all been looking for.
9. AND THEN MARIA SHOWS UP!
And OHH SHE’S FANCY, HUH?!?! in her beautiful second-hand dress I would actually sell a whole wardrobe made out of drapes for a chance to own. And they reunite by singing, and that’s lovely, but can anybody confirm or deny that maybe some of us would be mentally scarred by her disappearance and or convinced she would leave again…? Also, shout-out for Maria telling Liesel to “face her problems” when yiiiikes we know what her “problem” actually is. Do not face your problems, Liesel. Turn around and then walk far, far away from that problem and never speak of him again.
10. And then she says she IS going to leave!
“You are back to stay…?” asks Captain Von Trapp. “Only until arrangements can be made for a new governess,” responds Maria. So she would LEAVE THOSE KIDS AGAIN. Again! Guys, imagine? Imagine the story ended with her finding a replacement nanny? (And it was the Reverend Mother, who won the audition by singing “Climb Every Mountain” but turning it into a wonderful gymnastic-based game?) Luckily, we don’t have to worry about this because SPOILER ALERT – that is just not the way the movie ends.
11. Say what you will about the Baroness, she earns one million points for peacing out
My friend Christine referred to the Baroness as a “real dame,” which I think we can all agree about now because I will tell you right now that I would not be the person who is so honest about her fiancee being in love with another woman. Yes, she was the one who gave Maria a meltdown, but then she’s straight up all, “I need someone who needs me or needs my money” and that takes guts. Guts, I tell you! I would probably handle this worse. And there would probably be some words uttered. And there would be tears. And it wouldn’t be pretty, and I would probably hold this whole thing against him for a very, very long time. (Not forever, though, but for a few months at least.)
12. And then I actually fall in love with Christopher Plummer even more in this outside gazebo scene
HE IS JUST SO CHARMING. “Oh, hello!” OH HELLO INDEED. He’s all giggling and he’s all stumbling over his words, and it’s like, listen. Georg. You are very, very handsome and kind. And you love this British-Austrian woman even though you have never even HUGGED. And yes you DO understand why there isn’t going to be a Baroness, Maria, because you are totally reading between the lines. And who cares that they’re in love without even really hanging out one on one! Who cares! Because this whole thing is about to be ruined in 3, 2, 1 . . .
13. YOU DO NOT GO FROM THE FIRST KISS TO THAT SONG
I mean, just add this song to the heap, am I right? Like, we just watched the first kiss, and now Maria brings up the Reverend Mother RIGHT AFTER? “What else does the Reverend Mother say?” says Captain Von Trapp. Amen, brother. Nobody cares what the Reverend Mother says, Maria! NOBODY. At least not know! For the love of god! And then she whispers, “Oh can this be happening to me?” And I have to say that if I had a friend who was telling me how her boyfriend and her got together, and she said either of those things, I would be like, “Oh… okay. Can you do me a favour? Can you please promise me you will never say those things again?” Because just shhhh… but no. No because …
NOW THE SONG IS HAPPENING. I have never liked this song. I’m sorry. First, it’s not even the real Chris-Plums singing, it’s some other bro. Second, just … don’t sing at each other. I would fare SO BADLY in this situation. It’d just be like, “Okay! Okay, just… calm down, guy-I-like. Let’s just go get some take-out or something because this is a little too intense, and I’m going to make a joke about it which will ruin the mood forever.” Also, when you’re little and listening to this, you’re just like zzzzZZZZZzzzz because everyone just wants to dance.
14. And then the wedding!
OR they want to walk down the pretend aisle! (No, not really – because I also fast-forwarded this scene because I just wanted to see my best friend Brigida again, and I was just like, “Bah – if I ever get married . . . pfff, whatever, I’ll worry about it then.”) (But maybe you DID want to walk down the aisle! And if you did, cool!) But let’s not focus on this, and let’s focus on the fact that the nuns are singing the song they wrote and sang about her because they HATED HER. That would be like singing the SNL “Jack Sparrow” song at the wedding for Johnny Depp. Only much, much more offensive. But who cares! I don’t really, because this is The Sound Of Music, damn it, and the only thing that needs to make sense is why the nuns are locked behind that gate watching the wedding from the very back.
(Guys, why are the nuns locked behind the gate watching the wedding from the very back?)
15. And now things get political
Alright, so I was kept in the dark about the goings-on of WWII for a long time because my grandparents were Lithuanian refugees and weren’t super into telling me about what they went through/the history behind their war-torn country when I was a child. So needless to say, any of the political scenes were absolutely terrifying because the only thing more terrifying than the sense of foreboding you get from seeing the Nazis march in that scene is knowing you’re not supposed to ask about it. So this was the part of the movie where I just kind of sat there feeling afraid and wondering when the music would come back.
16. GTFO ROLF
I HATE YOU AND I ALWAYS HAVE HATED YOU. GET OUT OF HERE AND NEVER COME BACK.
“Yikes.” – Leisel
17. Shout-out to the month-long honeymoon
I mean, it’s not like Europe’s about to erupt into war. It’s not like Captain Von Trapp has been continually propositioned by the Nazis. It’s not like you have seven children and maybe you should make sure they’re okay. Where were you guys? What was SO IMPORTANT that you had to abandon your family in the middle of impending disaster? Hashtag neglect. Hashtag maybe-just-go-for-a-week.
18. Ohh boy with the “16 Going On 17″ follow-up
So this scene always left me particularly jazzed because there were TWO parts to sing, but then that line “Lo and behold you’re someone’s wife, and you belong to him” ensues. And that’s when my Grandma was just like, “AW HELL NO” because RIGHT? No! Maria, come on! (My Mom also shared my Nana’s views, but I watched The Sound Of Music like, every day, when I hung out at my Grandparents’ so they got the brunt of my very own one-man rendition of everything.) But then the tension ensues.
19. And then Max gets rattled about the family not singing when they’re escaping the Nazis
Juuuuust the worst friend in the world. And the Butler! GUYS, WE KNEW ABOUT HIM. Do not trust a freak like that for a SECOND. (Again, the actor was probably lovely – his character, however, was Satan.) And how did the Nazis get there so fast? This is 1939! Are you telling me the Butler made that phone call, and the cars had GPS and they arrived in like, two minutes? And cars were so loud back then! You also mean to tell me they didn’t hear the cars full of Nazis arrive? Okay. Let’s not focus on this. Let’s focus on the overwhelming sense of terror we all felt when we were old enough to realize what was happening in this scene.
Although, my Dad also used to love saying, “You will sing. You will ALL sing! But only-because-that-is-the-way-I-want-it-to-be!” But it wasn’t sing. It was “You WILL clean your room!” or “You WILL go to Whitney’s for dinner!” Basically, my Dad and I have a really good time impersonating characters from beloved films and movies. I’m sure it’s something my Mom really enjoys.
20. I love this rendition of “Do Re Mi” and I do not care who knows it
JAM JAM AND BREAD! *HEAD BOB* aka *BOO YEAH* I just downloaded a new and improved soundtrack that includes this little rendition and I will say that I have had a WHALE of a time singing this exact version out loud, in public, in my car, at my house, in my head and in my heart. But you know what’s even better? Nothing. Kidding! This:
21. EDELWEISS WITH THE CRYING
OH GOD here come the tears. HERE THEY COME EVERY TIME BECAUSE WHEN YOU MOVE, I MOVE JUST LIKE THAT. You’re so beautiful, Captain Von Trapp! And sad! And so afraid! And it’s okay! It’s okay because you are going to escape and you are not alone – Maria loves you and the kids love you, and you all have each other. BLOSSOM OF SNOW, MAY YOU BLOOM AND GROW INDEED. And now everyone else is singing. They are all singing! The whole hall! And now I know why my Mom bawled every time we watched this when I was little and I was like, “WHAT is your problem?” (well, no – but I thought it) and she was just like, “It’s so beautiful…”
It is. IT IS BEAUTIFUL.
And now they are all singing the goodbye song, and it’s just so filled with anxiety and actual fear. Like, I am anxious watching this and I have seen this movie so many times that I have the dialogue memorized and I have a Baroness impersonation in the bag for whenever anybody wants to hear it. ALSO, STOP LOOKING AT YOUR FAMILY AS YOU EXIT THE STAGE, LIESEL AND KURT. You’re giving it away! There are Nazi soldiers literally standing over top of you! It’s time to be stealth. STEALTH, I say.
22. LOL at the bowing lady
Always. LOL at her forever. Just a hero of our hearts and of this film.
Not a hero: the nerd who rushes in and is all, “THEY’RE GONE!” Get a life, terrible man.
23. How did they know they were at the abbey?!
HOW?! I am genuinely wondering. Wouldn’t the Nazis have gone right to the border? Doesn’t that make the most sense? And then wouldn’t they have closed all the borders? I don’t know – this is all very awful, and I hate it. Okay, so wait – I am typing as I am watching, and the borders have already been closed. So that is why they did not drive themselves to the border. GOOD THINKING, VON TRAPPS. But not good thinking dressing your kids in shorts and capes when you were probably going to be outrunning the Nazis until you could flee Europe.
But I still don’t know how they knew they’d be at the abbey. Out of all of the places in Austria to go.
24. DAMN YOU, ROLF
You know, I’m not even spelling his name right and I DON’T CARE because I hate him. (The character, not the actor, obviously.) But seriously. I mean, you had to prove how much of a man you are by ratting out your ex-girlfriend’s father? I think we can agree that even at age six, we were like, “WHAT EVEN IS THIS. WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM WE HATE HIM.” Also, the look Captain Von Trapp gives Liesel after she gasps – I mean, COME ON, LIESEL. Are you really surprised? ARE YOU ACTUALLY THAT SURPRISED? He gave you one million hints! First, that whole “We’ll always be Austrian!” bit. Then the telegram situation before? How did you not put two and two together? It’s completely your fault that your dad was almost shot by Rolf, my mortal enemy.
“Are you kidding me, Liesel?” – Maria
25. But it’s okay! Everything’s going to be okay!
Because of the most important thing in the world:
1) The nuns stole the car parts! ALLELUIA AND AMEN INDEED. I have no idea how they knew what parts to take out (because I wouldn’t), but THANK YOU, NUNS. This completely makes up for the song you guys sang at Maria’s wedding.
2) THEY ARE IN THE MOUNTAINS! The Von Trapps are in the mountains and there’s snow, but WHO CARES! Because they are going to be free and the capes will keep everyone safe. And in real life, they did it! They escaped and Maria and the fam-jam went around singing, and she opened up a bed-and-breakfast in Vermont where my Mum stayed once (which I already told you, but just let me have this please).
So basically this movie is a beautiful, wondrous gift and I love it more than raindrops on roses. (But not whiskers on kittens because you can’t beat something that adorable ever, I don’t care what any of you think!)
(Yes, I do. I LOVE YOU ALL.)