Alright, guys, I’ll be honest. Not every Old Lady Movie Night instalment will be a “classic” or a “’90s gem” because sometimes I just want to watch The Devil Wears Prada and I don’t want to watch it alone. Is that so wrong? Is it a crime to, say, have us all sit together and channel our inner Miranda Priestly(s) and reflect on the times we went from thinking Andie was the hero to realizing how major Meryl Streep always is? Is it? No.
So that’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to party like it’s 1999 (or 2006) and bask in the warming glow of finding oneself in the wide world of fash-un. We’re going to pretend 2006 was not only six years ago and really just embrace what “modern classic” really means (I still don’t know). We’re going to eat corn chowder (NOPE, kidding, that is gross) and wear our grandmother’s skirts.
Clearly those were references to the movie that we should just sit back and watch already. LET’S DO THIS.
GOD, I love when movies begin with a montage. HOPPING RIGHT INTO IT, you know? Let’s not mince words, let’s just watch really stylish ladies make us wish we got up early in the morning and measured our almonds. (Joking – I would rather die than measure our almonds because I can’t imagine not eating almonds like a regular person, AKA in bulk.) But still! Look at these gals. And then look at Andie not really brushing her hair for a job interview…? There is “casual” and then there is “You are going to a job interview – why aren’t you brushing your hair?” which this is. I get that you’ve got good genes, Andie S, but even a ponytail or a bun would be a good call, I think.
2) Are you kidding me you don’t know who Miranda Priestly is?
WOW, ANDIE. WOW. You don’t know who she is? REALLY? Let’s say that The Devil Wears Prada is based on Vogue and Anna Wintour. EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT THAT/SHE IS. Everyone! My mom? Who is 54? Knows exactly who both are, and she has never read a Vogue magazine in her life (I don’t think). Am I out-Old Lady-ing myself if I get irritated that Andie didn’t do her homework? The two rules of job interviews:
1) Know the person you are supposed to be having an interview with.
2) You don’t talk about Fight Club.
3) Emily is unnecessarily mean
Hello, obvious statement of this article! Y U SO MEAN, EMILY?! I would walk right into that building, meet Emily and think, “You are out of your mind, angry British lady” and then I would leave and maybe work at a fast food place? So much hostility! THE WHOLE TIME. (Still love you, though, Emily, you rule.)
4) I wish I had even a fraction of the power as Miranda Priestly
Think about it: your facialist (eh?) ruptures a disk and EVERY PERSON you have EVER WORKED WITH is terrified of your very presence. Granted, most of us would not be terrifying and the fear would all be a myth, but think about it! Think about even being able to talk without an infliction of emotion. The more I say, the higher and faster-paced my voice goes. So you know Miranda Priestly? Imagine the opposite of that with a tendency to sometimes say “aboot”.
5) “That’s all.”
I’ve been trying to make “thank you” my thing recently, but nobody thinks I’m done talking and I usually say it with about sixteen exclamation points, so the whole thing is lost. Anyone want to help me make “that’s all” catch on? Has enough time passed that people will think it’s original? Like I just came up with it because I’ve stopped putting up with people’s crap? I said it quietly once and someone asked me to repeat myself and I said, “OH! Nothing. I gotta go! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and then glass shattered.
6) Stanley Tucci! THE MAN
Right? WHAT CAN’T YOU DO, STANLEY TUCCI? (Answer: nothing.) Also mean but you can’t win them all. Solid as a rock, though. I would like to be his friend, so if you are reading this, Stanley Tucci, call me and we can hang and/or just watch a bunch of your movies.
7) LOL at “20-something life in NYC”
Just imagine I turned this into another critique of a certain show that premiered this week? (No, guys, I can’t and won’t I’m sorry I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE EVERYONE CALM DOWN IT IS A TV SHOW WHY IS EVERYONE GETTING SO MAD.) But seriously, Andie is supposed to be an undergrad graduate and she and her chef boyfriend live in a beautiful apartment in downtown NYC. And she’s unemployed. HOW? Movie logic! I love it and pretend that it is real and I bask in it and I eat the $8 of jarlesburg (?) cheese because I’m lactose intolerant IRL but it’s a movie so I do what I want.
8) Miranda Priestly rules
She. Rules. “From a pile of stuff.” Okay fine, she’s a little harsh, but you know what? SHE’S EARNED IT. Just wear less fur, maybe definitely.
I hear u, gurl.
9) Your clothes ARE hideous, Andie
GUYS. I’m sorry. I am being really mean and I don’t mean (tee hee!) to be, but you work at a fashion magazine, Andie, and it’s just like, maybe treat yourself to something that isn’t a cable knit sweater I also got for 40% off when I used to work at a very large generic chain clothing store? Go to Value Village! $3 for something SUPER GREAT. What are you doing, Andie?! YOU WORK AT *THE* FASHION MAGAZINE. Gap, Banana Republic – they all have nice, wearable clothes. I feel so confused. And then she…
10) LAUGHS AT MIRANDA PRIESTLY
Okay, so have any of you seen Kell On Earth and/or read Kelly Cutrone’s books or just really appreciate everything she says and does? She talks about how the fashion industry actually employs thousands of people and I agree, because if it wasn’t for the fashion industry, I would not have been able to put myself through university (for the year that I went). How dare you laugh at the fashion industry, Andie! It doesn’t have to be everything, but RUDE. YOUTHS, am I right? Also, everything Miranda says it’s just like “YEAH, YOU TELL HER.”
11) Also, just quit if you hate it so much?
Hands up if you have had a job that you once hated. And did you stay? PROBABLY NOT. So leave, Andie! I mean, I get magic happens after one year, but nobody is forcing you to keep the job that a lot of girls WOULD actually kill for. If Andie were my friend, I would really have to lecture her about making life choices that benefitted her and also deciding to either deal with her job or leave it. Like, Miranda has unrealistic expectations of you and you’re obviously suffering because of it? Peace out! OR just deal with it and drink more wine than you normally would. Advice from me to you, Andie. Call me and we can talk. (Please excuse the space between this paragraph and the photo beneath it.)
12) MONTAGE II
BUT THEN THERE’S A MAKEOVER, AND IT’S LIKE, ANDIE YOU GO, GIRL. And then she’s wearing every outfit in the history of fashion, and I want to throw everything out in my closet because nothing looks as good as outfit she wears when she gets her haircut and wears those boots. Does it help if I tell you I’m wearing a hoodie with tights and cut off denim shorts? (I’m talking to the movie’s costume department, by the way, hoping they’ll send me those boots I’m sure are actually too small for me but WHATEVER I do what I want.)
13) Why are Andie’s friends the worst, though?
Hey fellow “career women”! Are we all under the understanding that sometimes work has to come first when you’re proving yourself and your friends have to understand that? IMAGINE one of your friends took your phone when your boss was calling you? And imagine they got mad about not spending enough time at home? Am I wrong here? (I don’t think I’m wrong here.) Also, you’re in your early 20s! This is the time where you work really, really hard. THIS IS HOW IT ALL WORKS.
14) Christian is such a creep
Why aren’t you talking like a normal person, Christian? Is this what “being hit on” looks like? “You’ll never survive that job because you’re a nice girl.” Maybe YOU won’t survive YOUR job because YOU’RE THE WORST, Christian Thompson. Is that even your name? I don’t care! You are not worth the IMDB lookup. Go to bed.
15) WHY DID YOU GO UPSTAIRS, ANDIE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
Picture this: the only rule of thumb is not to go upstairs into someone’s home. So what do you do? Go upstairs into someone’s home! You listen to the person’s 10-year-old twin girls who are OBVIOUSLY LYING, and you essentially trespass. WORST CASE scenario, you leave it on the wrong table and get in trouble but not NEARLY as much trouble as you are going to get in by walking into someone’s living space and watching them fight with their husband. Guys, I think there’s a reason she couldn’t get a job anywhere else…?
16) And then she wastes the steak
Eat the steak! Why aren’t you eating the steak? You throw the steak in the sink? ANDIE, WHY? THAT IS A DELICIOUS STEAK. Oh my GOD, I would kill for a steak right now, you don’t even know, guys. Minus the chives, though, because gross.
17) And THEN there is this line which is just correct on every count:
18) Am I a bad person because if my boyfriend had to work on my birthday I would understand?
Like, Andie’s supposed to be painted as some terrible/evil/career-focused shrew, but if it was my birthday and I was having a party and my boyfriend couldn’t make it because of work I would say, “Okay! Well then let’s hang out tomorrow or another time.” Nate, you are being a baby. Lil (is that her friend’s name?), you are being equally lame. IMAGINE ANDIE HAD TO WORK ON HER ACTUAL BIRTHDAY LIKE MOST ADULTS? Guys, what would happen. Would the world blow up? Would we realize we were all actually in the movie and we had suggested florals for spring?
“GROUNDBREAKING.” – Miranda Priestly discussing my revelations
19) Andie could have just explained to Emily what is up
Okay, so it’s not REALLY Andie’s fault that Emily has obviously slipped at work. So I don’t understand why Andie could have just taken Emily out for coffee and said, “Listen. Miranda wants me to go to Paris with her, and I’m sorry, but I need this job and you have to understand that.” IS THAT WRONG? AM I MAKING A HUGE MISTAKE? Also, Emily, why were doing such a bad job? You were really smug and mean, and you’ve worked there forever so it’s like, why don’t you understand that your job demands more than you just making fun of Andie? I don’t know, guys. There’s a lot of holes in this scenario, and I don’t know why there’s not more communication happening. But I will say props to Miranda for making Andie do her dirty work, LIKE A BOSS.
20) But then Emily gets hit by a car and it’s like, you couldn’t have gone anyway?
Okay, now I KNOW this is wrong, but maaaaaaybe you don’t need to tell Emily that you’re going to Paris because she is bad at her job? And you could just say “You broke your leg, and obviously you can’t go.” And Emily would be like, “True” and Andie would be like “I’ll bring you back some sweet finds” and Miranda wouldn’t really care, so BOOM. So okay, I’m going to go write the sequel now because I think it’s pretty much in the bag with my amazing plot developments.
21) Andie’s fashion-savy pal is Harry on Mad Men
THE MORE YOU KNOW!!!11oneone!
22) Well, if this movie doesn’t make you want to go to Paris, I DON’T KNOW WHAT DOES
You know all of those beautiful movies about Paris and about France and starring brilliant French actors and created by wonderful French filmmakers? WHO NEEDS THEM. We’ve got U2 and we’ve got footage from the couture shows and we’ve got that Christian guy being super awful in “the city of blinding light.” HELLO, NURSE. Paris, this is your cotillion and we are all wearing wonderful dresses to celebrate your OFFICIAL DEBUT!
23) I feel legitimately sad when Miranda gets divorced
Because I like Miranda, okay? I LIKE HER. I don’t care. (I care so much.) We don’t know her! We don’t know her life! She’s lived one million years, killing unicorns and surviving on whatever elixir it is that their horns and manes give off. Who knows what she’s been through. More than any of us, likely, because she was the one who killed the dinosaurs. And she still looked/looks exactly the same.
24) Okay, but can we talk about how this movie makes it seem like if you like to dress nice you’re not “serious”?
Right? Like Andie has this moment of reflection where she’s dressed in this great outfit doing her makeup, and then she reflects back on “the old Andie” and she’s not dressed up, and it’s like, WELL I mean, it’s not like dressing nicely or wearing makeup makes you any less smart. DO WHAT YOU WANT, right ladies? (“LAAAADIEEESSS.”) Obviously I am no expert and I have made this way more serious than it needs to be, but hey – if you want to wear makeup and heels and skirts you are no less a feminist/strong/smart lady than anyone who doesn’t. TO EACH THEIR OWN! AH! FIST PUMP! DO WHAT YOU WANT, ANDIE AND EVERYONE.
25) But deep down Miranda and Andie are actually best friends
I’m going to skip over the whole Christian/Andie and Andie quitting plot device because I am out of points, and also because we all know that secretly, Miranda and Andie are best friends forever. The biggest BFFs of life, one (me) might say. Andie’s all “Hey, I got another job” and Miranda’s all like, “LOL I know let’s go get Starbucks” and then they exchange that information through a secret nod and it’s like, OH WE KNOW WHAT’S UP. They’re actually just going to start their own magazine and it’s going to be about everything I just wrote between points 1 to 24. That’s right: this whole piece was just the VERY FIRST COLUMN for Miranda + Andie Best Pals Weekly.
And I am the EIC.