— Old Lady Movie Night

Old Lady Movie Night: "The Craft"

NOW, you will remember (I hope?) that once upon a time, the wonderful Erin Mallory Long and I traded posts for a day. Instead of her writing about her five favourite things, I wrote about them instead (and chose the movie, Practical Magic), and instead of me being your resident Old Lady, Erin was.

Erin wrote about The Craft because it is great. And while I thought, “Ah I’ll never write about this, I think it’s too dark.” But I’m confident we’ve all grown enough together to embrace all types of fil-ims because damn it, we’re women. We’ve seen it all. Or some. We’ve seen enough, basically. (How’s that? Okay? I just want everyone to be included here.) Also, Erin and I are legit pals, so I now realize she won’t think I’m stealing her material. (Because I’m not.) (Imagine, though? Like, how would I even come back from that?) (I wouldn’t. I’d move onto an ice floe.)

So let’s do this now. Let’s watch The Craft because I’m in the mood to feel magical and terrified, and also, I don’t think anyone wants to sit through six hours of the BBC Pride and Prejudice even though FYI I will gladly write about it whenever you need/want me to. I AM HERE FOR YOU GUYS. #forever

Now. Shall we begin?

1. I wasn’t allowed to see this movie growing up, and also I reported my best friend for “devil worshipping” because of it

Oh boy. Well I’ve told you how cool I wasn’t, but let’s add grade seven tattle-tale into the mix for effect. See, three girls (one being now one of my best friends) at my Catholic elementary school LOVED The Craft. And they loved magic, and they loved spells, and I, having no friends, and also having a horrible misunderstanding of “the craft,” told on them for doing spells at school. Specifically, I told our grade seven teacher they were doing “devil worship.” (They were not.) Needless to say, they got in a lot of trouble, and my friend’s mom’s Wicca book almost got confiscated which would’ve been especially bad since her mom told her she COULDN’T bring it to school in the first place.

The good news is, everyone survived (and also, I have educated myself). The funnier news is I only told my friend it was me about two years ago, and she was horrified and also hated me for about ten minutes because of it.

2. Seriously, I want to shout “THE ’90S!” during every scene

And I’m two minutes in. A cab just pulled up, and it looks like the cars in my neighbourhood from that era (sort of), and I am probably going to end up freaking my cat out by how often I shout “the ’90s!” during the next 90 minutes. #90s #90 #cool

3. The thing is, Nancy Downs was pretty rad 

Aside from having obvious homicidal tendencies as the movie goes on. But say she’d channeled those (or anything) into, maybe, art. Don’t you think she would’ve been the most cool 20-something our world has ever seen? I MEAN, YES. She really lost her mind in the criminal sense of the word. But when she first walks down the hall at the beginning? It’s like, “OKAY YES, NANCY, WE GET IT. YOU ARE COOL.” (Louis Peitzman at Buzzfeed actually did a great piece on this, and yes, I may be 27, but I am absolutely going to bookmark it for when I need Nancy-inspired life advice.)

4. “You are going to play the same character in every film, okay Breckin Meyer?” – the ’90s

First Cluelessthen The Craft. I blame the hair, Mr. Meyer. But I don’t blame you — because every boy had that hair in the ’90s, and if they didn’t, none of us knew what to do about it. (At least not me, whose heart was CRUSHED when the guy I liked in grade eight cut his Leonardo DiCaprio-esque hair on grad picture day and wore it in a Caesar. A CAESAR.)

Too much. Let’s please move on.

5. Ugh, but no wonder Nancy, Bonnie, and Rochelle don’t like anyone — it’s rumour central up in there

You know, popular guy talking to Sarah, maaaaaybe lay off the rumours about the “bitches of Eastwick” to get Sarah to like you. WE GET IT. THOSE GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT. But he’s throwing around words like “slut” and talking about burn marks, and he’s never confirmed either, and also AIN’T NONE OF YO BUSINESS. Who is this guy? Every dude from the town I grew up in? I say good day, sir. I mean, again, true, Nancy gets super scary (and seems to intimidate even her friends). But she’s just trying to figure it out! Because AREN’T WE ALL, POPULAR GUY WHOSE NAME I CHOOSE TO OMIT. AREN’T WE ALL.

6. Also, remember how he invites her to football practice and then Sarah goes?!

UGHHH I DID THIS. That’s why I  feel so “Nooooo!” about everything. First, he’s all “What are you doing after school? Oh, I’m busy — you can WATCH ME PLAY FOOTBALL” and then he just walks away like he really thinks he’s something special. Buddy, I’ve got news for you: it does not get better.

But this is the worst part: SHE GOES. Oh Sarah, no! Run! This was like when the guy I liked all through high school skateboarded and I just sat there. Watching him and his friends skateboard. And when I asked to, they said I was a poser. IS SARAH A POSER TOO, POPULAR GUY? No. She is a witch. And that is amazing. YOU ARE DISMISSED, SON.

7. Then Nancy, Bonnie, and Rochelle have Sarah’s back!

And yes, no, I know this all ends in a disaster I KNOW THAT. But can we please just give it up for them warning her against him? That is what sisterhood is all about, you guys. And not even in this capacity, because their friend group needs a little help, but just in life. Have your friends’ backs in terms of guys who aren’t good.

8. Who steals from an occult shop, though

I’ll tell you who: people who are not using their heads. You don’t steal period, but you REALLY don’t steal from a store that contains powerful items! I mean, come on. Way to be caught by the owner, Sarah, because you have avoided having the day rued. (Is that a thing?) But can we also talk about stealing in general? Because when I was in high school (everyone falls asleep and cries out of boredom), EVERYONE STOLE. I hated going to the mall because oh my word just SO MUCH STEALING. I was too afraid because I knew my parents would probably disown me (or cry — which I think is worse), but everyone else! So I stopped going shopping because I’d seen that episode of The Simpsons one too many times, thanks. (And when I worked at American Eagle and saw teens steal I would instill the fear of whatever power that be into them. Because come on, guys. I just folded those jeans.)


UGHHHHH THAT GUY. SKEET ULRCIH WHAT IS YOUR ISSUE. Also, Christine Taylor, why are YOU being a monster? Like, not even just a sad teenage girl, but an actual garbage person. But shout-out to Rochelle being an adult and asking her what the problem is — even though the answer is actually racist beyond all reason. This school is terrible! I hate this school! Why can’t everyone just act like kind humans? JUST BE KIND HUMANS OR EVEN JUST HUMANS IN GENERAL, PLEASE.

10. And we totally can’t blame Nancy for being a troubled person

Now that we’ve gotten a glimpse into her personal life, NO WONDER she is struggling and unable to deal with her moods and emotions. The girl needs to be taken out of that leaky shack pronto. Did we all feel this way upon seeing The Craft for the first time? To be honest, I’ve only seen it twice and I wasn’t paying as much attention as I am now, so I feel like I missed the sympathy you’re supposed to be feeling. But now? ALL THE SYMPATHY. Girlfriend, keep going! I would like to say. Because man alive, you’ll graduate soon, and YOU WILL BE FREE. (Cue: George Michael’s “Freedom,” the only appropriate song ever. Also, maybe “America” by Simon and Garfunkel, but that’s because Fairuza Balk was in Almost Famous too.)

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