Old Lady Movie NightOld Lady Movie Night: "The Craft"Erin Mallory Long

I’m terribly excited to be writing an “Old Lady Movie Night” for you this week. When Anne and I discussed switching columns, I was VERY concerned with what I would choose to write about. I ultimately decided on The Craft just from browsing my movie collection and thinking, “Hmm, wonder when the last time I saw THIS was.”

This was a movie I was obsessed with in middle school but of course was 11 when it came out so didn’t see in theaters. I would only have been able to see in the theater with my friends if someone’s parent and been around (and willing) to purchase the R-rated movie tickets for us. I haven’t watched it in a while but it quickly became a sleepover staple so I’m confident it will all come flooding back to me (OMG ISN’T SKEET ULRICH IN THIS MOVIE?!).

I. Am. So. Excited. Let’s experience some witchcraft!

1. Well, The DVD Menu Alone is Amazing

I mean...yes

2. The Witchy Stuff

THEY CLEARLY NEED FOUR WITCHES

Ah, here are the three girls minus Sarah. They CLEARLY need a fourth, you guys. I feel like everything I believe about witches I learned from this movie. Like, is calling the four corners a “real” witch thing? Because I assume it is. And like, I’m just taking this as fact.

Interestingly, my husband is now telling me he had this soundtrack and I did not. So that’s pretty exciting.

3. YAY Robin Tunney!

Man, I love everything about her and her character in this. She comes into this creepy house IN THE RAIN. And then the house is leaking everywhere and oh god I’m just thinking about everything that’s going to happen. Like, obviously Robin Tunney is awesome in Empire Records but I just adore her in this movie. I mean anyone with hidden witch powers is okay in my book

Anyone else always equate this weird snake dude with the old man in Home Alone and feel bad for him? No? Just me? Okay.

Eep!

4. Their school and these idiot boys are stressing me out

How much did I want to wear a school uniform? I mean, probably this was mostly perpetuated by Britney Spears. But like, wearing a uniform and then altering it to match your personality is my dream.

I think this shot of the girls is in every teen movie.

YES SKEET AND BRECKIN!!!

and the other dude...

 

5. MAGICAL POWERS aka Setting Up The Whole Movie

How many times did I try to stand my pencil up on its own? I mean this movie is basically a how-to guide for teen girls at slumber parties.

Bonnie wants Sarah to be their fourth and like, duh then Nancy is mean to her because that’s her job.

“THE B*TCHES OF EASTWICK” – yes, thank you, Skeet. I love you, but your best performance is OBVIOUSLY Scream.

Also, I love how Sarah is just like “oh they’re witches? Please.” But then they take her to a witch store to steal from it and she’s like “oh wow you’re really into this” and just so comfortable with the whole thing and then the witch store lady says she’s a natural witch? But like, we already saw her with that pencil and later she mentions doing stuff by thinking about it so doesn’t she already suspect she’s a witch?

6. This thing with Snake Man means they’re witches

They totally made the car hit that snake man and they are SO stoked about it that they come hang among the trees on some gross couch. I mean, for real? You’re sitting on this thing? Come on.

Also this is like the beginning of Harry Potter. She just thinks things and they happen. AHHHHH

7. Man, Nancy is already hating her again

This has already gone from 1. You guys are weird. 2. Okay let’s hang out 3. Okay let’s be a witch gang to 4. I’m a natural witch LOL to 5. “you guys are weird”

Rollercoaster of emotions The Craft!

I can’t keep up with this. I think she goes back and forth on Sarah like, 1000000 more times (approximately) throughout the rest of the movie. Girls, man.

8. I have a serious question

Has this ever happened in real high schools? It felt like high school was going to be a series of jerks saying they had sex with you when they didn’t. Like, do jerk guys actually do this? And why do people believe them? But thanks, Skeet, because this is gonna throw our girls back together and it’s going to make the movie happen so, thanks.

9. OMG CHRISTINE TAYLOR

There are a lot of things I’m passionate about but for real, one of them is Christine Taylor. It hurts me that she’s a racist bully in this movie but at the time I remember thinking, “oh man she is such a good actress because this isn’t Melody from Hey Dude at all!”

When I was at NYU she and Ben Stiller supposedly lived across the street from my freshman dorm and a bunch of us sang the theme song to Hey Dude outside their window. Because…duh?

10. Bonnie’s burns terrify me

So when we would decide which of our group of friends was who in this movie, I was always Neve Campbell. Which carried over (in my mind) to Scream, of course. So I was always very invested in her burns and how they would be cared for, etc. But honestly, I really wanted Sarah’s clothes throughout this movie.

Oh, isn’t the doctor the narrator from Desperate Housewives who’s also on Sports Night and Seinfeld (as the bra lady)? I believe it is.

11. Let’s Check In On The Girls

Bonnie has terrible burns, Rochelle has a racist bully on the swim team, Sarah is living in a creepy house and becoming an outcast, and Nancy has a terrifying homelife. Just awful.

Now they’re on a bus together and we get the best line ever, “we are the weirdos, mister.”

This is where it’s getting real and they’re putting together their circle officially. There sure is a lot of chanting in witchcraft.

There was definitely some time where we each said, “with perfect love and perfect trust” and like, signed a piece of paper at a sleepover.

12. YES THEY’RE FINALLY HAVING A SLEEPOVER

Obviously, EVERYONE did “light as a feather, stiff as a board” right? I mean, this was literally a STAPLE of every slumber party in middle school. There were sleepovers where we’d just do some Ouija board, freak each other out, talk about The Craft and try to do this “game.”

It’s works as well as Ouija boards.

13. This movie is the opposite of how you should try to live your life though

Like, they’re jealous of each other within the circle (well Nancy is jealous of Sarah). And Bonnie and Rochelle are just puppy dogs without a mind of their own. They put spells on people that ruin their lives or at least make them not in control of themselves and like, they’re just terrible.

Don’t join a witch circle, people. Except maybe to help get rid of your burns. Because that really works well. Except that then she’s super full of herself. But it’s kind of okay because she’s had to go through a lot.

Also, like, Nancy shouldn’t hate on Sarah so much because her spell DOES work too. She’s gives her mom’s boyfriend a heart attack by looking at him. Insane.

14. I mean, this is exactly the apartment you’d expect people who suddenly came into money to buy and decorate

It’s just like Joey’s apartment on Friends when he’s rich.

15. Uh oh, whatever you send out you get back times three

We’re back at the witch lady store. Do you think this piece of wisdom is gonna come back? Prolly not, right?

LOL J/k!

16. I just have a problem with the big thing they want to do

Like, why do they care about invoking The Spirit? Just for fun?

OH NO SHE HATES SNAKES AND BUGS!!! THAT’S COMING BACK UP FOR SURE.

And now she’s walking on water and there are a bunch of dead sea animals washed up on shore. Okay. But like, why did you want this? I don’t get it. I guess I’m not committed enough to witchcraft.

17. RIP Skeet

I’m really bored with the Skeet storyline (like why did she agree to a date with him when she knows he’s fake in love with her?). Nancy freaking out on him always scared me to death and then he’s out the window and yikes.

I’m just waiting for when the girls all turn on Sarah and it gets super scary. Let’s go to that part.

18. When the girls all turn on Sarah and it gets super scary

I can’t handle any of this. They’re in her brain and they’re scary and Witch Lady helps her and duh, Your Mom Was a Witch, Sarah. The fake news scene terrifies me. Everything they do to Sarah I was at some point terrified of happening to me (figuratively or literally) in 7th grade. (Middle school is the worst sometimes).

I don’t even MIND snakes but like, obviously I mind a SEA OF SNAKES AND BUGS AND WHATNOT. Obviously way worse things happen in this house with the girls but I’m like, currently traumatized by them. How did I watch this movie so much as a pre-teen??

19. Haha, you have no powers left but Sarah does

Booyah, you guys. Basically the lesson here is don’t join up with witches, don’t put love or hair-losing spells on people and like, just in general, don’t trust Fairuza Balk or Nancy or whatever.

Ever.

(Main image via fanpop, other images by me from my DVD)

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  1. You’re awesome. I always enjoy reading the stuff you write for HG. It’s like listening to my inner monologue, but more hilarious. You are so “me”, if that makes any sense at all.

  2. you’r kidding right! so you like buffy and this movie too!?? i lovee this movie!! i remember i loved it when i was a child, actually i love most of witchy stuff, i love charmed! haha (:

  3. So so sooooo many middle school memories with this movie! And yes, I did also try the “light as a feather, stiff as a board” game :D

  4. Amazing movie! And yes, calling the corners is a “real” witch thing ;-)

  5. I was “Nancy” and we did “light as a feather” during recess! Good times!

  6. I DID feel bad for the snake guy!

  7. YES!!!!!

  8. I absolutely love this movie!!

  9. Is this on Netflix? I’ve never watched it and now I want to!