— Old Lady Movie Night

Old Lady Movie Night: "Richie Rich"

Old Lady Movie Night is a weekly (or so I try) column in which we gather, dressed like grandmothers, and watch/criticize movies in the spirit of, say, Dorothy Zbornak. You’re not old if you like these movies, you’re not old if you know them. But sometimes I like to think of myself as the lady on The Simpsons who throws cats at people while wearing cardigans. Probably because one day I know I will. (The cats will have been trained, don’t worry.)

So here we are again. Currently, it’s so humid in Ontario that despite having done my hair twice already today, it’s now doing a terrific impression of Monica Geller’s look in that episode of Friends when they go on vacation. (And she has to get the braids.) (Remember? Hello? Guys? Come on. HELP ME OUT HERE.) Unfortunately, my hair is too short for braids, and also fortunately, I don’t have the face for them. But you know what I do have a face for? Watching movies, and then writing about them which we are now about to experience together as some beautiful collective team and/or commune.

This week we’re going back. Way back. So far back that I was young enough when this movie came out that my Nana was angry that she rented it for me because it was too violent. Yep, I think the answer to “what movie are we watching this week?” is simple: we’re watching the 1994 family classic, Richie Rich.

I have a lot of feelings about this movie. First, Macauley, if you can read this, way to wear that Gosling t-shirt — good call. Second, I had a crush on the butler (we’ll explore that in time) as a child, and those feelings haven’t gone away. Third, I wanted to be the little girl because DUH, she was a tough-talking baseball player. That’s all I want to be even now. (And then subsequently date the British butler because that is who I AM.)

So enough with the time-wasting. This is the summer of preteen crushes. JTT, Devon Sawa, Leo, get set: I’m coming for you. But first, Macauley. It’s your time to shine.

1. It is INSANE these people dressed their young child up in suits

IT IS INSANE. Do you guys know any rich people who do that? Do you know any rich people at all? (I know, I think, a total of four — collectively, in my whole life.) And even though I’ve felt like I’ve committed a sin by even stepping in and around their properties, I breathe easy knowing that no child within them has ever worn an ascot. “We want you to be a normal child! But first, here — dress this way” is what I guess Richie’s parents said to him one day. Seems like what they REALLY wanted was for him to represent the 1% in the biggest way, and then put him in the line of fire as soon as he meets a regular 99%-er. These parents, man. We can only hope Richie used all his money to build a huge baseball park that’s free to get into.

2. And why would Richie’s parents not let Richie have real friends?

RIGHT? Why is Cadbury the Butler I Love the only person he’s allowed to hang out with? How did this pregnancy and child-rearing go? “We will have the boy, then he will not leave the house.” I think even Prince George will get to leave the house. Man, I’m pretty sure he can leave the house NOW, and he’s a tiny baby. I get that Cadbury is the total bomb, but still. There must be other kids in ascots in need of friends, too.

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