Do you know what’s an abomination? We have never watched Jurassic Park! Also, that I didn’t watch it for the first time until LAST YEAR when I was on death’s door with the flu and prayed for death, but death did not come, and instead sent me Jurassic Park on TV.
And boy was that a blessing.
Since, I have had the luxury of seeing that clip where the Jurassic Park theme song is played by the recorder, as well as hearing a lot of pop culture references I obviously didn’t know about. Oh, and I got to have seen JURASSIC PARK. Only the greatest movie ever made that I was absolutely not allowed to see in 1993 when I was eight because my parents said it was “too violent.”
WHATEVER, she typed as the dinosaur in the container ate a bunch of the men who were helping ship it. I’ll show them! I’ll show all of them! Every parent! In the world!
But let’s not waste time. Jurassic Park is already being sued by the eaten worker’s family. And we’ve got Jeff Goldblum to fawn over, PARDON ME.
1. I can’t even begin to tell you how obsessed I was with dinosaurs before this movie came out, though
OBSESSED. Like, I wrote a book (“a book”) called “My Pet Dinosaur” and it was about a dinosaur who wore neon underwear and was my best friend. So can I tell you how it killed me that I couldn’t see this movie? Dinosaurs rule. THEY RULE. I still love dinosaurs! WHO DOESN’T? Monsters, that’s who. And not the dinosaur kind.
But in all seriousness, though, I absolutely kept an actual pet dinosaur that wasn’t actually a dinosaur, but an inflatable pool toy that looked like a dinosaur — who I insisted was my pet, named Dino. (This was before my family got a cat. So really, I had no hope.) Also, how weird is it that the dinosaurs just DIED?
2. But 1993 technology, though LOL
I love watching all the archaeologists boot up a DOS. And not even because I’m a tech person. But because they’re huddled around DOS saying things like “this new technology–” ALWAYS WITH THE TECHNOLOGY WITH YOU GUYS (movie writers)! Just wait till we all laugh at ourselves now.
3. Why does the park owner wear all white
That’s more of a statement than it is a question. However, he does genuinely look like Colonial Sanders on vacation, so that’s something we should all probably appreciate. Imagine if he also did sell chicken? I think that’s actually the title of a Robin Williams movie: What Dreams May Come.
4. How is Newman even employed, by the way?
Or more importantly, what’s his deal again? Is he stealing the dinosaurs? Guys, I’m watching but also typing, and I feel like we have a lot to cover, so I can’t go back. He did just say “don’t get cheap on me, [person he's addressing]” so I’m assuming he’s some sort of criminal. In fact, I know he is. But while this person he’s addressing is trying to tell him how to care for dinosaur eggs, Newman’s just playing with the fake shaving cream and putting it on pie. Who would look up to this man in a professional way? WHO? (The character, not the actor. I promise.)
5. I also read the Jurassic Park movie book when I was eight because I had no choice
Everyone was talking about Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park this, Jurassic Park that, and obviously I needed to get in on it somehow, so I borrowed the movie book from the library. (YOU KNOW THE ONES: the book, and then the pictures in the middle.) And I read it. Fast. And I became obsessed with Laura Dern’s outfit because damn it, the woman could wear khaki shorts.