And then there were three. …Movies that I’ve written about under the Harry Potter umbrella. God, I could’ve made that sound a lot better than I did, but if I didn’t opt to make this the most complicated-sounding introduction in the history of time and space, why even bother? Would this even be Old Lady Movie Night? (Maybe.)
Here’s what’s important: the preview that goes along with my DVD is for The Polar Express which I find terrifying, because these animated people look too real without looking real at all. (You guys ever watch that 30 Rock that addressed this?) Also: we are already onto Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban which means time is FLYING, and I’m scared of it. It’s only going to get darker, and my crush on Gary Oldman is only going to increase.
We don’t have a lot of time, so let’s get to it.
Oh my god wait: the next preview is for Elf which reminded me that Christmas is SO SOON (kind of). I know this by heart! Oh my goodness. I forget how much I love Elf every year until I remember how much I love Elf. BUT THIS ISN’T ABOUT ELF, GUYS STOP ME PLEASE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF.
1. Every other theme in the history of the world is garbage compared to the Harry Potter theme
Every other theme. Yes, even you, Titanic, my one true love.
2. What is wrong with Harry’s muggle family though, and I mean ACTUALLY
So now the uncle’s sister is visiting and correct: I refuse to acknowledge him by name. And she’s even worse? What did their parents do to them to make them this way? All this broad knows is that Harry’s parents died and now he lives with them. Yet she’s being mean to him? How is that the next logical step in getting to know another person? WHO RAISED THEM. WOLVES? I’ve seen The Grey. Wolves are actually much more civilized.
3. People of England: is the night bus real?
I am from Canada, so all I know is that our public transit system is horrible for the most part (at least in Ontario). I also drive, so I’m part of the problem. But I’ve heard my friends who live in London talk about “the night bus” and I saw something about a “knight bus” in Sherlock, but I don’t know if that’s some sort of inside joke just to make normal buses feel magical. What I’m really saying is that I don’t understand how anything works that isn’t something I’m involved with on a day to day basis. Also, to me, England seems like the most magical place (LET ME VISIT YOU, FRIENDS) so having some special bus isn’t some huge stretch of the imagination.
4. I am very into Sirius Black
I don’t mean to objectify Gary Oldman, but I’m sorry, I have very strong feelings about him as an actor and as Sirius Black. We know my crush on Benedict Cumberbatch isn’t a secret, but I mean, okay. If we were to say, “Hey Anne, describe your ideal boyfriend” it would probably be Gary Oldman, and probably Gary Oldman as Sirius Black. Just so brave! And smart! And, in the words of Lucille Bluth, “That. Hair.” (Though for the record, I like his Jim Gordan hair best.) (I’M SORRY. I said I don’t mean to objectify, but I love you, Gary Oldman THIS IS REAL.)
5. Why doesn’t anyone just tell Harry Potter the truth?
Ron’s dad has just taken Harry Potter aside and was like, “You are in great danger.” And he starts talking to him about Sirius, and that’s great, but a) he has no other advice, and b) no one else is helping Harry out. What’s up with that? Why doesn’t anyone tell Harry Potter anything? Like, not a THING. Or half information like “You might die” and then “Okay goodbye!” HUH?! That’s it. I’d leave. Just peace right out. Where would I go? I don’t know. I’d build a bomb shelter? All I know is that clearly I’m not brave enough to be a wizard (until I remember I got placed in Slytherin in Pottermore last week and realized that I probably AM just not brave enough to be Harry Potter).
6. Dementors are the scariest thing in the world
Honestly think about it. They suck your soul out! THEY SUCK IT OUT. And they’re on a train now with CHILDREN ON IT. I hope someone was tracking the instances of PTSD following this commute and also the next couple of years. Also, shout-out to Lupin (WHICH MEANS “WOLF” IN FRENCH) who hooks a pal up with chocolate. Also (x 2) I have a crush on Lupin? Something is happening to me here. Read: I’m moving to England and I’m going to marry Gary Oldman or Professor Lupin or guys who look like them.
7. “Something Wicked This Way Comes” is even more scary than the dementors
Not because it’s bad, but this children’s choir is foreshadowing basically the next four books. ARE THEY MIND-READERS. And if so, why would you even sing that? Who are you? Why would you begin the year in this way? Again, I would absolutely be a horrible wizard because I would hear this song and think, “Nope goodbye! See you after all this nonsense has been dealt with!” And probably end up hanging out with Malfoy. (See? I really do belong in Slytherin.)
8. We all need time-turners
Actually, though. Could you imagine? Yes. I do. I imagine constantly. I WOULD LIKE A TIME-TURNER. Am I going to order one online? Is this where I end up in life? Am I this person now? Well let me riddle you this: I am Emma Thompson’s character in this movie, because I have a tea leaf reading guide and also this isn’t really a riddle, but a grandoise sentiment. GIVE ME THE CUP.
9. Oh my god though Malfoy SHUT UP
“Wait until my FATHER hears about this” oh my god NOT ENOUGH RUDE SYMBOLS IN THE WORLD. I do think I could single-handedly break his spirit, though. He’s got a complex about being the best, so you’d just have to make it seem like he’s boring. And lame. And you’re kind of embarrassed for him all the time. And then he’d bully a bit, but then be totally desperate for your approval. And then you never give it, and basically you are Regina George and he is Gretchen Weiners.
10. We all love Buckbeak, right, and want to cry?
Yes. Of course we do. Our hearts aren’t made of stone, and when Harry Potter goes for a ride on Buckbeak’s back, we all kind of tear up because IT IS BEAUTIFUL. What’s even more beautiful is how he is saved (she?) and how Draco is served a tall order of GTF away from Buckbeak, you freak. And even more beautiful than THAT? Hagrid’s lovely, happy face when he sees how much Buckbeak and Harry get along.
11. Honestly everything you need to know about life, you can learn from Harry Potter
Lupin and Harry are hanging out and talking about fearing fear — and it’s already so deep. Can you believe how layered these books/movies are? There’s so much depth! There’s SO MUCH. And life lessons, too. Every time I re-read the books or re-watch the movies I can’t believe how good they are and how CORRECT they are. WE ARE SO LUCKY THEY EXIST.
Also, my crush on Snape only increases as the books and movies do. I HAVE NO REGRETS.
12. Christmas at Hogwarts is the only kind of Christmas I’m interested in
And this is my own fault. It’s autumn and I’m watching Harry Potter and now I want nothing more in the world than an old-fashioned English Christmas, even though I’m not English. (I’m Irish?) (And half Lithuanian?) WHATEVER. Tell me more about your Christmases, you guys. Even though my aunt is English so we do have English Christmas every year. And Canada is England-oriented, so all our traditions are like yours. But still! IS IT LIKE HARRY POTTER. That’s the only question that needs answering. Also: send me English Christmas cards. I’m sure they’re the same as Canadian, but I can pretend. And I WILL pretend.
13. Nothing creeps me out like the fact Pettigrew was a rat who hung out with Ron and kids all the time
Like, I really really hate Scabbers. I hate him and I hate Pettigrew, and I hate them all. And then think about this: this rat like, chose to hang out with Ron and cuddle with Ron, and hang out with a bunch of kids, and WHO EVEN ARE YOU. You are gross and disgusting and go away. Actually the worst. HE GOT TO HEAR THEIR SECRETS. He is a literal rat in both the animal sense and the prison sense of the word. Goodbye, Scabbers!
14. My patronus charm would have to be a cat
Or else. That’s really all I need to say.
15. When Hermione punches Malfoy everything in the world makes sense
Like, NOT TO CONDONE VIOLENCE, but how Draco did not get punched up until this point is a mystery to me. And why would he WANT a beautiful creature like Buckbeak to die? Is he a monster? NATURE OR NURTURE? I’d like a movie just of Draco Malfoy when he goes home so we can better understand the matter with his brain is. (Like: his dad is crazy, yes?)
16. Why wouldn’t Sirius just turn into himself?!
Instead, he drags Ron into the Whomping Willow which makes it seem like he’s going to kill Ron! Also: he is a dog here. I should probably make that clear so you guys don’t think I’ve completely lost my mind. BUT AHH NOW THINGS ARE HAPPENING.
17. Why isn’t Lupin and Sirius just being honest?
They’re yelling! And shouting! And acting like they want to kill Harry! All they have to say is: “We need to kill Scabbers. Peter Pettigrew turned into a rat, and now he has to die. Sorry that we’re yelling at you and acting like we’re going to kill you, but we chose to be dramatic.” That’s literally it. That is seriously all that has to be said. NO ONE IS COMMUNICATING. And now Snape is in on the scene, and this is all getting very messy. All they had to do was kill Scabbers. But now Ron’s upset, and we’re all upset, and things are getting very upsetting, and this entire thing has been botched.
But ughhhh like, my first question would be: WHAT THE HELL, PETTIGREW, YOU FREAK. And that’s not even a question. But it’s question ENOUGH.
18. A full moon BUT WHAT ARE THE ODDS
No, I ask that seriously. What are the odds. And why didn’t you take your potion, Lupin!? YOU HAD ONE JOB. Now it’s all ruined, and now things are complicated, and now Peter Pettigrew is a rat again, and Remus is a werewolf, and Sirius is a dog and I’m sure somewhere in this forest, there’s a partridge in a pear tree. But seriously, Lupin. ONE JOB. TAKE YOUR MEDS. Now Sirius has to fight you, and this is all very heartbreaking, and Snape is just standing there. JUST STANDING THERE shouting “Come back, Potter!” PRIORITIES, SEVERUS. Just this one time.
19. “I would like a nice cup of tea or a large glass of brandy”
Dumbledore RULES. I also imagine him to be like every British headmaster. Is that incorrect? I certainly hope not, because I have begun to really over-romanticize everything about the English school system thanks to my Harry Potter fest. This is who I am, you guys. Accept me.
20. OH MY GOD THE ENDING THOUGH
Like, where they save Sirius and they’re on Buckbeak and the music is happening and IN THAT MOMENT I SWEAR WE WERE INFINITE. The true buzzkill, of course, is that Harry can no longer live with Sirius. And that’s about it. Everything else is beautiful and great. Oh! Stupid Peter the Rat. (WHO I HATE.) But hold on I’m ruining a moment here: Sirius is telling Harry how much he looks like Lily and James, and saying “you can always find them in here” and TOUCHES HARRY’S HEART. WELP that’s this weeks’ tear quota reached. Congratulations! This series is perfect. Less so: how much I will cry more and more as the series progresses.
I can’t even talk about the eighth film, you guys. I wept the whole time and had to watch it at home because I can’t cry THAT much in a public movie theatre setting. But now I almost wish I had.
Someone find me a time-turner.