— Old Lady Movie Night

Old Lady Movie Night: "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban"

And then there were three. …Movies that I’ve written about under the Harry Potter umbrella. God, I could’ve made that sound a lot better than I did, but if I didn’t opt to make this the most complicated-sounding introduction in the history of time and space, why even bother? Would this even be Old Lady Movie Night? (Maybe.)

Here’s what’s important: the preview that goes along with my DVD is for The Polar Express which I find terrifying, because these animated people look too real without looking real at all. (You guys ever watch that 30 Rock that addressed this?) Also: we are already onto Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban which means time is FLYING, and I’m scared of it. It’s only going to get darker, and my crush on Gary Oldman is only going to increase.

We don’t have a lot of time, so let’s get to it.

Oh my god wait: the next preview is for Elf which reminded me that Christmas is SO SOON (kind of). I know this by heart! Oh my goodness. I forget how much I love Elf every year until I remember how much I love Elf. BUT THIS ISN’T ABOUT ELF, GUYS STOP ME PLEASE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF.

1. Every other theme in the history of the world is garbage compared to the Harry Potter theme

Every other theme. Yes, even you, Titanic, my one true love.

2. What is wrong with Harry’s muggle family though, and I mean ACTUALLY

So now the uncle’s sister is visiting and correct: I refuse to acknowledge him by name. And she’s even worse? What did their parents do to them to make them this way? All this broad knows is that Harry’s parents died and now he lives with them. Yet she’s being mean to him? How is that the next logical step in getting to know another person? WHO RAISED THEM. WOLVES? I’ve seen The Grey. Wolves are actually much more civilized.

3. People of England: is the night bus real?

I am from Canada, so all I know is that our public transit system is horrible for the most part (at least in Ontario). I also drive, so I’m part of the problem. But I’ve heard my friends who live in London talk about “the night bus” and I saw something about a “knight bus” in Sherlock, but I don’t know if that’s some sort of inside joke just to make normal buses feel magical. What I’m really saying is that I don’t understand how anything works that isn’t something I’m involved with on a day to day basis. Also, to me, England seems like the most magical place (LET ME VISIT YOU, FRIENDS) so having some special bus isn’t some huge stretch of the imagination.

4. I am very into Sirius Black

I don’t mean to objectify Gary Oldman, but I’m sorry, I have very strong feelings about him as an actor and as Sirius Black. We know my crush on Benedict Cumberbatch isn’t a secret, but I mean, okay. If we were to say, “Hey Anne, describe your ideal boyfriend” it would probably be Gary Oldman, and probably Gary Oldman as Sirius Black. Just so brave! And smart! And, in the words of Lucille Bluth, “That. Hair.” (Though for the record, I like his Jim Gordan hair best.) (I’M SORRY. I said I don’t mean to objectify, but I love you, Gary Oldman THIS IS REAL.)

5. Why doesn’t anyone just tell Harry Potter the truth?

Ron’s dad has just taken Harry Potter aside and was like, “You are in great danger.” And he starts talking to him about Sirius, and that’s great, but a) he has no other advice, and b) no one else is helping Harry out. What’s up with that? Why doesn’t anyone tell Harry Potter anything? Like, not a THING. Or half information like “You might die” and then “Okay goodbye!” HUH?! That’s it. I’d leave. Just peace right out. Where would I go? I don’t know. I’d build a bomb shelter? All I know is that clearly I’m not brave enough to be a wizard (until I remember I got placed in Slytherin in Pottermore last week and realized that I probably AM just not brave enough to be Harry Potter).

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