THE TIME HAS COME (for me to say “the time has come” and then tell you about the movie this week). Is everyone stoked? I am stoked. I am even more stoked that this movie is on Netflix and I can save the movie I actually had planned this week for the Christmas movie bonanza I will be doing starting in Novemeber (I’m not kidding), where we will cover so many movies that take place around Christmas that I actually don’t know how to handle myself.

SO YES. 13 Going On 30 is the lucky winner of the Old Lady Movie Night bonanza, and we are going to watch it and discuss it and address one of the biggest questions the world has ever faced: have I ever eaten Razzles? Fear not: I will Google what Razzles are in time. And speaking of time, let’s not waste it! I know I’m a day late with this bad-boy, but only because last night I felt sick and ended up watching Homeland for hours (which I finally finished and OH MAN). Can you blame me? You can not! Mostly because sometimes everyone needs to take cold medicine and turn into a slug, and I succeeded in doing both of those things beautifully. So let’s celebrate THAT, and less the 24 hour delay.

So let’s delay no more! Here’s 13 Going On 30 and an excuse for me to listen to “Jesse’s Girl” about 14 times on repeat. I AM JAZZED, YOU GUYS. And not only because I just used the word “jazzed” in a sentence.

1. This movie genuinely upsets me

I’m already freaking out. I get SO UPSET by how crappy her life is and how it nearly just literally blows up in her face, and ugh. UGH WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF. Even the way she acts towards to Mark Ruffalo! It’s the literal worst. I mean, it’s an awesome movie — do NOT get me wrong — but it is TOO MUCH. I get so emotionally drained by almost everything in the beginning and the end, that I essentially collapse in on myself like a dying star. (Exaggeration, but also kind of true.) I’m not alone, am I?

2. I just want to stress that if you are like Jenna and Mark Ruffalo (whose character’s name I just choose not to learn), you are arguably going to end up a better adult

Right? If teen movies and real life have taught me anything, it’s that if you didn’t like high school because it was terrible, life will get better for you as it progresses. The popular girls in my high school — as I have said before — are not people whose lives I necessarily envy right now (nor ever will and not only because they have to live with creating an anonymous email account that used to send me messages where they called me fat), but at the time? Oh man. I wanted to be them SO BAD. So what I’m saying is that — like Mark Ruffalo’s character — have FUN in high school, and don’t worry about “being popular.” Just be kind to everyone and have a blast and be yourself! Be Jenna BEFORE she aspires to be a “Six Girl.” Get out of here, Six Girls!

3. “JESSE’S GIRL” IS PLAYING

Which, to make this completely about me, is my birthday song! At midnight on my birthday this year, my friend Lauren and I were driving home and this song came on the radio and we decided that this year, “Jesse’s Girl” is my official song. Basically what I’m saying is that 13 Going On 30 stole my birthday song, years before I even turned 27, so could I please have some royalties or something, movie producers, because I’d like to get out of a couple of jams.

4. IS Matt (fine, I learned Mark Ruffalo’s character’s name) the borderline perfect fictional dude?

He might be! He might be the 13 Going On 30 equivalent of Josh in Clueless. He’s a genuinely kind/nice/great dude, AND he has a backbone. AKA he tells Jenna STRAIGHT UP that she’s being the worst when she is. #RealityCheck Also, he made her that house! LOOK AT THE THOUGHTFULNESS. And either way — regardless of how J-Squad acts — he goes on to pursue his dream of photography. YOU GO, GLEN COCO. ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK. (Literally, because you have made quite the success story of yourself.) Also his music rules. The Six Girls WOULDN’T appreciate it, would they. (No. They wouldn’t.) AND UGH NOW THEY ARE BEING SO MEAN TO HIM I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS.

5. So instead I will tell you that I hate birthday parties

No, not other people’s birthday parties! Just my own. I LOVE BIRTHDAYS, but the pressure of having to entertain all those people at my house, I just… no. It’s too hard. It is TOO MUCH. Is anyone with me? This year I just went to a pub and told friends if they wanted to show up, awesome, and if they didn’t, tell me and that’s totally cool we’ll do dinner another time. AND THEN WE WOULD. And THAT I can handle. But oh man, an actual party — too much pressure. TOO MUCH. (Basically I either end up drinking too much wine, or I end up worrying that nobody else is drinking wine. And I am only saying “wine” because the last time I had a “party” it was vodka coolers and it was terrible and I was 21.)

5. b) Okay, but how crazy would it actually be if one of your friends was freaking out and just kept screaming about being “30, flirty and thriving?”

I seriously would assume the person was having a psychotic break. Like, “WHY ARE YOU SAYING THOSE WORDS.” Why out of ANY WORDS are those the ones that you have chosen to say? USE THE RIGHT WORDS. WHAT IS ACTUALLY WRONG. And then she blames Matt for everyone leaving her party?! ALSO who just LEAVES a birthday party? And why didn’t her parents lay down the law? All of this. All of these thoughts as Matt stands watching in horror as Jenna keeps screaming about being 30 alone in the closet. Whatever you’re thinking, Matt, I am totally on the same page as you.

6. IMAGINE waking up and you being 30 (when you were 13 like, three minutes ago)

Like, there are about 25925825 reasons why this would probably mess you up for a really long time. First, imagine waking up in what, 2000-something? When you left 1980-whatever? SO MANY TECHNOLOGY ADVANCEMENTS. Also, adulthood. That is something you DON’T want to just fall into. I always feel like Big would be the ultimate horror story because . . . imagine? IMAGINE WAKING UP AN ADULT. Seriously 30 is only three years away for me, and if I woke up and it was three years from now, I’d still have a full-on panic attack. Think of what happens in ONE year, let alone, what… 27? No, wait… 17. LISTEN I AM TIRED I’M SORRY MY MATH SKILLS FAILED ME.

7. On principal I would choose to read “Poise” over “Sparkle”

Based on name alone. I just don’t want to read anything called “Sparkle” and I feel like 99.9% of people I know would agree. Somebody should tell “Poise” that. Here. I will: Hey fictional magazine, DON’T WORRY, because nobody wants to read anything named “Sparkle.” Unless it’s about Princess Sparkle, the horse from The O.C.

8. Jenna’s character actually really grew up to the worst human, am I right?

What kind of a 30-year-old doesn’t want to talk to her parents WHO LOVE HER? And fires everyone?! As a writer I want to go ahead and say that none of my editors are like that, nor have they ever been. In fact, this column was a day late because I didn’t feel good yesterday, and everyone was super cool about it. My other editors? Fun people who are genuinely nice. But maybe “Poise” is different? Are websites different, maybe? I don’t think so. I just feel like Jenna is obviously a terrible human being and/or boss. Even the girls who were mean in high school weren’t actually bad people, they were just teens who were trying to figure things out. I’m basically 100% sure that none of them grew up to hate their parents for no reason or alienate anyone who wasn’t famous. Whatever, though! 13-year-old Jenna rules.

9. Judy Greer is the coolest

SHE JUST IS. Basically everything Judy Greer is in, I 100% support. So Judy Greer, if you’re reading this, YOU GO GIRL or #YGG as my friend Nicole and I have taken to typing in moments of empowerment or accomplishment.

10. The “Thriller” dance theme is basically just my religion now

RIGHT? Isn’t that the only type of dancing you want to do ever? I don’t understand going anywhere you have to dance “seriously” or “cool” at. Just swaying and/or standing there indifferent? NO THANKS. BRING ON THE “THRILLER” DANCE ALA 13 GOING ON 30, PLEASE. Also kudos to EVERYONE for still remembering the moves — all I know is the part with the claw hands, and even that is terribly painful for anybody to watch. But not this! The choreography! The hand clapping! The outfits! All of it!

11. I will say that this movie really does put a really great perspective on being an adult

You know when you’re younger and your parents make you eat your vegetables and go to bed early and you’re like, “When I’m an ADULT, I’ll do what I WANT!” Well the older you get, you kind of forget how awesome being an adult (or at least someone who can make their own decisions legally) can be. And you get so caught up with bills and debts and careers and all that jazz that you toooootally forget that you CAN eat all the Halloween candy you want and you can stay up late and you can actually do WHATEVER (provided you still work and act like a responsible person). And sometimes — despite trying to make minimum payments and get all your work done — it’s actually fun not to be a kid anymore. So what I’m saying is that I like how this movie reminds me/us/everyone ever that sometimes being a grown-up is not the worst thing in the world. And I promise I’m not just saying that because I have Halloween chocolate in my room and have been eating Smarties for days.

12. But in Judy Greer’s character’s defence, Jenna IS the legitimate worst

I mean, we like her now, as this human being who is 13 years old, but in real life? She’s terrible! She was hooking up with somebody’s husband, and she was stealing her coworker’s ideas (who she FIRED afterwards), and she was obviously upsetting everybody in the industry (which says a lot because it takes most people a LOT to hate someone with such tenacity). So really, let’s not blame Judy Greer’s character for conspiring against her. In fact, she’s doing what most of us would probably do. And reacting the same way! I’d be super irritated if one of my friends just started acting like a 13-year-old when the night before she was being an actual adult. Right? Wouldn’t you hate that? Am I a bad person? AM I JUST LIKE JENNA BEFORE SHE TURNED 13?

13. And then 30-year-old Jenna breaks into her parents’ house and gets into bed with them

There are NO WORDS for how freaked out my parents would get. First, I’ve always liked sleeping in my own bed and room (even as a kid I really hated sleeping in my parents’ bed because HELLO, that’s their bed), and second, imagine your kid who you hadn’t seen in YEARS essentially broke into the house and then you found her in the closet, and THEN in the dead of night during a thunderstorm she just climbed into bed with you? Guys, I would freak. out. I WOULD FREAK OUT. There’d be a problem, and I would — again — assume she’d had a psychotic break, and I would gear up to have her move back in because she is obviously not emotionally or mentally prepared to face the real world or adulthood. I mean, just look at this from the angle of EVERYBODY ELSE.

Although I do obviously love this movie, COME ON.

14. So Jenna essentially makes a zine vs. a magazine

Which is AWESOME OBVIOUSLY. Seriously THIS is something I would buy and read. I mean, you could even say that she was ahead of the blog world because she is making something super nostalgic and artistic and creative and if you look at most fashion/beauty blogs/zines, they’re very much like this. And I’m not saying that regular fashion magazines aren’t awesome, but that “Why can’t I breathe” song is playing so I am OBVIOUSLY drinking all of the 13 Going On 30-flavoured Kool-Aid. All of it. Every drop.

15. I have never had a Razzle

WHAT ARE THEY. I’m going to Google them. Hold on a second.

OH GOD I KNOW THESE AND I HATE THEM. I hate that they turn into gum! I HATE IT. I mean, I can’t actually ENJOY the gum. I go into Razzles thinking they’re candy, and then I get to the gum which is never delicious, and it is always stale and tiny and you have to eat the whole pack to get any gum worth actually chewing. Just the worst! I mean, Gobstoppers, YUM. Sour Patch Kids! Swedish Berries! WINE GUMS for heavens sake. Basically any other candy that stays candy and does not turn into gum I have to spit out in 13 minutes.

16. My heart aches for the Jenna/Matt love story

Because I know what’s coming, you guys. SPOILER ALERT, I know that she ends up getting totally heartbroken because he ends up going through with his wedding. It is TOO MUCH. I just get SO SAD. And this is a movie that is NOT REAL. See the capital letters I’m using? It means I’m for real. It means I am legitimately upset over these fictional characters that do not nor will ever exist. But WHATEVER. DO WHAT I WANT. LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD.

17. Also love IS a battlefield!

In a way, right? I mean, no, not really, if you’re actually in a relationship where you are happy and the other person is happy, it’s not a battlefield, it’s probably like a really nice place to hang out at. I was going to say a cottage or a lake but that’s boring, and I don’t want to say “it’s a like city downtown” because maybe you don’t like that. Basically “love is whatever makes you happy.” There you guy, Pat Benetar, I wrote you a new song. Also, I LOVE THE SCENE WHERE THEY SING THIS. Obviously, because I am a human being with eyes and ears and a heart. And I am going to play the eff out of this in the car later.

18. I don’t think Matt’s fiancee is the right choice for him

And not just because she’s Matt’s fiancee. But because she’s nagging him into moving? It’s been fine so far, why are you forcing him to move to Illinois? Maybe YOU move to New York, WENDY. (Well, no, that’s ridiculous because she has a job in Chicago.) Or just commute! Or spend time here and there! Am I naive? Is that not doable? I mean, they both have freakishly well paying jobs, so just hop on a plane, you two! Plane it up! Or don’t! Or maybe just don’t get married at all because you don’t seem particularly happy. And Wendy has used “fiancee” in a sentence about 59258258 times, which is simply unfair to anyone who has to listen to it. (Also Matt is in love with Jenna, so cancel this wedding approximately yesterday.)

19. Okay, but why would Jenna keep her traitorous emails in the top drawer of her desk AT WORK

What is WRONG with her? She obviously wanted to get caught or is just not incredibly smart because WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT. You have just incriminated yourself for the sole purpose of what . . . not bringing mail home? It’s like being a spy and keeping the flag for whatever company you’re spying for on your desk at the place you are supposed to be blending into. Like, “Oh hey nice flag on your desk — do you like that country or something?” – “Oh this? Oh no no … just like the colours. Nothing to see here! I’m not a spy! Not spying at all! DON’T LOOK AT ME.”

Also this is a total circa 2004 problem because in 2012 nobody would PHYSICALLY MAIL PROOF OF THIS ALLIANCE. They would email it. And even then, they wouldn’t do THAT because they would STILL get caught. Former adult Jenna, frankly, you deserve to get caught because your betrayal was just lazy.

20. Judy Greer you went TOO FAR

Seriously, get off the “calling Matt ‘Beaver’ bandwagon” once and for all. And second of all, WHY WOULD YOU BREAK MATT’S HEART OVER JENNA BEING TERRIBLE? I don’t understand. Judy Greer’s character, why are you punishing someone who is totally innocent? Also, are you still going to pay him? That’s another question I have. I hope so because he could really use the money.

21. Okay actually I don’t really blame Matt’s fiancee for not liking Jenna

I mean, if you were going to marry this guy and someone from his past kept coming around, you’d probably be “Yeah, this is the GUY I’M MARRYING HELLO CAN YOU NOT SHOW UP UNANNOUNCED AT NIGHT?” too. In fact, Matt’s fiancee is being a lot nicer than I would be about it. I mean, not to get possessive, but BOUNDARIES, Jenna and Matt. It’s just not cool, kissing in the park! R-E-S-P-E-C-T. (“Find out what it means to me.” – Michael Scott) Basically my theory is if you’re kissing another person in the park, you should not be marrying the person who you are NOT kissing in the park. Also, if you are telling somebody you love them on the day of your wedding and it is not to the person you’re getting married to . . . also maybe just call that ish off.

22. So Matt decides to marry this girl he DOESN’T love because of a misunderstanding?

This is just the worst. SEE? This is why I get so upset. IT MAKES ME SO UPSET. Here’s why:

1) Matt’s being “noble” by choosing Wendy? NO YOU’RE NOT, MATT. He just said, ‘You don’t always get the dream house, but you get awfully close.’ IMAGINE SOMEONE YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MARRY SAID THAT ABOUT YOU. No. Nope. Nooooope. It means he’s not in love with her and is settling. And that means he’s keeping her from finding someone that WOULD think she is a dream house. So maybe Matt isn’t the greatest guy in the world, and I take back what I say about him being like Josh.

2) Jenna’s life seriously sucks. It SUCKS. Now she has a bad job and she has no friends and her heart’s totally broken, and now she’s watching some guy get married to a girl he doesn’t even really love? This is seriously the most terrible day. Books like “Alexander and the Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day” were written about this very incident and other incidences like these.

3) It was a misunderstanding! Like, Matt basically gets too scared to tell Wendy he doesn’t love her, so he just marries her. Even though he knows he loves Jenna but is upset over photographs? And not being able to turn back time? WHY IS NO ONE THINKING RATIONALLY. Where are Matt’s friends in all this where they say, “Yo. Dude. You’re making some pretty bad judgement calls.” (Also, why doesn’t Matt have any friends?)

23. Okay but OBVIOUSLY we all love this movie

Because right now Madonna is playing and it all worked out and Jenna ripped up that report Tom-Tom was going to steal and EVERYONE IS CONTENT AND HAPPY.

24. Okay, but Jenna’s house is pink?

Wait. I didn’t notice this until now. Why. I mean, I like pink as much as the next person who likes pink (actually I don’t really like pink I’M SORRY), but a pink house. They are officially those people who live in the pink house. People like their neighbours are going to say, “Matt and Jenna? Ohhhh you mean the couple who lives in the pink house.” IN THE PINK HOUSE. IN. THE. PINK. HOUSE.

IN.

THE.

PINK.

HOUSE.

The house that is pink.

25. So does she not have a job as an EIC or …?

I’m a little confused though. It is SO GREAT that Matt and Jenna get together and grow up together and etc. etc., but does she still have that really great job? Because it IS a really great job. She didn’t HAVE to betray anyone — she could have just gotten the job as the EIC and kept “Poise” at high levels of success. And if she stayed on the same track academically as she obviously did when she was mean, she could have the wicked career AND the really great guy. Are you trying to tell me she went to the same college as Matt or something and then ended up just … not having an awesome job? Is he a photographer, then still? Could we please have confirmation as to whether they literally chose the pink house over any other ambitions? Is this one of those things where it’s like, “But she got the guy! See?” Because I can’t, guys. I CAN’T GET BEHIND IT.

So we have a lot to discuss, basically. YOU CAN HAVE BOTH THINGS, JENNA. I hope she knows that. For argument’s sake and to prevent me from having my OWN psychotic break, let’s assume that, yes, they bought this (PINK !!!) house but they are also really really successful in their respective careers. Like, Jenna is still the EIC of a major magazine since it’s obviously something she loved to do, and Matt is killing it in the photography industry. And it wasn’t about choosing one over the other because — guess what — nobody needs to do that.

SO YAY I like that ending let’s stick with that. Until next week! (In. The. Pink. House.)