Okay, Lourdes, We Have To TalkErin Mallory Long

Lourdes, huddle up, I need to talk to you. I know you got caught smoking a while ago and I’m also sure that wasn’t your first time smoking. But now your mom, Madonna, is talking about it everywhere so I have to bring it up.

Now, first of all, you just shouldn’t be smoking. I know you think it seems cool or something (I don’t know how it’s possible kids haven’t figured out by 2012 that it’s not cool but maybe it’s just always going to be one of those things) but it’s not. It’s disgusting and a bad habit to pick up at any age but especially at 15. So just stop it.

That being said, to some extent, your teenage years are a time for you to make mistakes. Everyone does. So we can let this slide.

But your mom is not going to let this slide. At least not in the press. I’m sure she’s not letting it go at home either, but that’s probably a good thing. But this is what your mom is telling us about finding you smoking: “…Cigarette smoking, I’m not very fond of.  For anyone.”

Okay, I am totally in agreement with your mom here, Lourdes. She is a smart lady. And you definitely need to listen to her.

I also understand it’s got to be pretty hard being Madonna’s daughter. When you’re being raised by a woman with a song called ‘Like a Virgin’, who made pointy cone bras a thing, it’s gotta be hard to find something to rebel with. You must feel a bit like Maeby in Arrested Development and almost want to rebel by going super religious (but then you realized that wouldn’t work either because your mom’s already hit so many different religions).

I feel for you, Lourdes. I do. You’re beautiful and young and you shouldn’t have to have your mom scrutinized for your decision to smoke a cigarette (or what I’m guessing is a lot more than one) with your friends in New York. I don’t think you smoking means Madonna is a bad mom. I think it probably just means you’re a normal teenager which seems pretty remarkable anyway considering your mom’s 53 and still dances around half-naked, causing scenes. That’s gotta be super awkward for you. Also, probably don’t ever watch Madonna: Truth or Dare. Just…because.

Also, if things get bad with your mom, just show her this and remind her of her age and your age and hopefully all will be resolved:

Bottom line, Lourdes, your mom is right. And even though she smokes in that crazy new video of hers (and does other things I don’t feel comfortable discussing with you) and has done some other crazy things in her past and present and will probably do more crazy things in the future. . . it doesn’t matter. She’s your mom and you have to trust her.

Also, just so you know, parents do not believe you if you say, “No, it’s just really cold outside so you could see my breath as I was eating a pixie stick.”

Trust me.

(Main pic from here)

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  1. The thing I can’t stand about Madonna and her child-raising ways is the way she talked about how she raised her kids – I still remember how she boasted that she never let Lourdes watch TV – was that supposed to protect and shield her from all the negative influences of mass media?! It really doesn’t work..

  2. She’ll be fine. Maybe.

  3. actually she shaved half of her head

  4. As they (sort of) said in Dexter “it’s 2012 – who smokes?”

  5. I started smoking at 14 because I thought it was cool, and guess what? I ended up totally and completely addicted to them, and I didn’t quit until I was 25. The quicker she realizes how ridiculous (and stinky) smoking makes her look, the better.

  6. this is ridiculous. you act like you’re the most intelligent person in this world… let others be and discover, you’re not the only one who has this right, limitated one.

  7. Eh, she’s in her teen rebellion stage, she’ll probably get over it. It’s not like she can sneak around, with who her mom is.

  8. The fact that it’s something they’re not supposed to do is what makes it appealing. It could be anything, as long as it’s prohibited, it’ll be cool; especially to teenagers. I know that’s why I did it back then (no you don’t look cool, you look dumb, like a kid trying too hard to be a grown-up). Thank God I only smoked because I thought I looked cool and not because I actually enjoyed it. That being said, it’s up to her to figure it out. Hopefully she’s not already addicted to it (she probably is).