Oh, You're Planking! Get Up.

Here’s what Planking is: aside from being the first thing to make me feel old, planking is also known as ‘The Lying Down Game’, which is also known as ‘Playing Doctor’. No, it’s really not. But I did play a game as a kid where two of us would make pretend that we were suddenly super tired (5th grade is exhausting, you guys) after school and have to take a nap. The one who stayed awake would sort of examine the one who was lying down and then we’d switch. Sadly, Planking is way more boring than what I was up to in 5th grade.

Here are the rules. When you Plank, you must lie face down in an unusual or incongruous location and your hands/arms should touch the sides of your body while you stay completely still. I just fell asleep typing the rules.

I think Planking is for people who love tanning beds and getting MRIs. Planking is also ideal for someone who has just finished a Push Up only to be told, “Do NOT move. There’s a bee on you!”

You’re supposed to have someone take photos or video of you when you’re Planking, as people compete to find to find both the most unique and the most public places to Plank. And then they get a prize, which is just a photo or video of me laughing at them.

At least make it more Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board-ish and levitate. I’m asking for bells and whistles, por favor! Because right now, you Plankers just look like a Little League bench.

And it’s not that I’m the Queen of Parkour or something (Oh, that I were! Oh my god, I would be so cocky. Cut to a dream sequence of me Parkouring my ass off. Each reader will have to imagine this on their own as I don’t think Hello Giggles will finance me shooting a dream sequence where I am the Queen of Parkour. To be fair, I didn’t actually ask Hello Giggles for this funding and for all I know, they could be reading this right now and be totally bummed that I didn’t, because they’ve got dream sequence money coming out of their rad Newsprint manicured nails!).

But Planking people, we’ve gotta dress it up a little. Especially since you’re taking pictures and video of yourselves doing it. Because never has, “Really??!!!” been better captured on film as it is with Planking.

Do something else. Enhance it. Keep the position you’ve so embraced but pair it with something useful. Help someone find their earring backing or contact lens. Be a bridge over a puddle for a lovely young lady. She shouldn’t have to get dirty! She’s probably going somewhere important! Or, if you’re here in Los Angeles where there’s very little rain but plenty of lovely young ladies who are probably going somewhere important- please be a human pothole cover. The road turbulence blows in LA. I know I’d appreciate this very much.

Finally, the fact that people are intentionally Planking in super dangerous locations and situations makes me want to hit them over the head with a heavy, thick board. That’s right. A plank.

Relax with the Planking, you guys. Seriously, get over it. Go get a massage. You’ll love it. It’s your favorite position.

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