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Not All Girls Dream of their Wedding Day

Me as Bat-girl on my 7th Birthday

When I catch people who call themselves ‘wedding experts’ on TV being interviewed and presenting items that a future bride would want on her big day: white, poufy princess-like gown, multi-tiered and flavored cakes, colorful flower arrangements, and all that pageantry, it does grab my attention. A wedding takes a lot of planning and most importantly, money and I’m amazed at the lengths people would go through just so they could look great on their wedding photos.

But nothing says turn-off than when the wedding experts make this sweeping statement: ‘All girls dream of their wedding day’.

That’s when I kill the TV because this stranger basically generalized all girls as Bridezillas in the making. When in fact, I was a little girl but I never dreamed of my wedding day.

When I was a little girl, marriage was far from my mind, so it follows that I didn’t imagine my wedding day. I attended weddings; was even a flower girl once but at the time, I was more worried on how to walk daintily on the carpeted aisle and to throw the flower petals on the floor with grace. I saw wedding pictures of family and relatives, even sat through their old-school reception videos which usually had Atlantic Starr’s ‘Always’ playing in the background. Still, I didn’t dream of my wedding day.

See, I was busy being a kid who would rather don a Batgirl costume on my 7th birthday even when the toppers on my cake were Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

I was building forts out of clean sheets and thinking it was a castle and my home, my first real estate however imaginary and can be disassembled in a jiffy upon discovery of my mother who just did the laundry.

I was playing outside with my mates as superheroes saving the day because the kids who were tapped to play villains decided they wanted evil to win over good. What kind of superheroes would we be if we let anarchy win?

I wrote on used cigarette foil packs and old receipts with my made-up name, home address, and signature, as if I was entering multiple raffles. I waited for my name to get picked and I was always the winner!

I was far too engrossed in the ‘real’ love triangle of Hulk Hogan, Randy ‘Macho Man’ Savage (RIP), and Elizabeth, and rooted for Jake the Snake to win so he could unleash the snake inside his sack on his opponent before I realized how symbolically sleazy that was.

I learned to ride a bike first with the training wheels on and then, got a bigger bike, crashed a lot, got hurt plenty, but dusted myself up and rode that bike again round the block showing off my biking skills.

I was in and out of the library borrowing fairy tales with princesses who had a happy ending with Prince Charming with either a kiss or a wedding. I watched all the Disney Princesses and sang their songs by heart and yet, I still didn’t dream of my wedding day.

And guess what, that little girl grew up and I have yet to dream of my wedding day. Maybe someday, maybe never and that’s okay. What’s not is ‘wedding experts’ going on TV and giving a stupid generalization that all girls dream of their wedding day. Lady/Dude, you don’t know all little girls. You might be surprised how much they dream and how varied, weird, and awesome those dreams could be. A wedding day may be one of them but not just the one and only true dream. Puh-leeze. Don’t box little girls’ minds in.

You can read more from Melissa Orcine on her blog.

  • Brittany Höllenbräu

    Agreed. I was never one of those girls that ‘dreamed of her wedding day’. Then I got engaged and found myself engulfed in a world of white wedding traditions I didn’t want to adhere to and instantly felt like I didn’t ‘belong’. That’s when I started my own wedding blog — a blog that was about getting married YOUR way, sans societal expectations. In the process, I met a bunch of other wedding bloggers (as well as wedding industry ppl) who shared the same views. So I guess what I am saying is this: feminists in the wedding world exist. And we want want nothing more than to rid the world of the phrase you speak of. Perhaps one day we will. Just know that we’re out there and we hear you. A change will come.

    Rock on, batgirl, rock on.

  • Sharon Kunz

    Thank you! Whenever people ask me what “theme,” colors of flowers I want for my dream wedding, I have to explain to them that I’ve never been one of the girls who sat there planning out her wedding day. I’ll begin planning when I have a ring on my finger, not before. Besides, I feel as though women who have their wedding day planned from an early age would be much more stressed about it (“bridezillas”) than those who plan it when it comes.

  • Sharon Kunz

    Also, kudos to Brittany! People think I’m kidding when I say I want actor Ron Glass (aka: Shepard Book from Firefly & Serenity) to be ordained to be a minister for my wedding, they think I’m kidding. I’m not. When I do ever get married, it’s going to be epic. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I know I’ll have fun with it. :)

    • Kate Hastings

      Ahhh that’s awesome!!! Book would be an awesome minister with his deep voice. Just as long as Alan Tudyk is my groom… I’m happy. (And totally kidding.)

      But agreed. I’ve never thought about my wedding (or lack thereof). I’ll watch shows like Say Yes to the Dress and Four Weddings and judge the style of the bride, but I never really apply it to myself. As someone else said above, I’ll start planning when I have a ring on my finger and not a moment before.

    • Kate Hastings

      Kidding about the Alan Tudyk part.. not the Book-being-an-awesome-minister part. That’d be shiny.

  • Amanda Kashmoney Jurkash

    Same here. Even now I have no idea what I want to do. I have a wonderful boyfriend and we will get married someday but until I HAVE to think about it, I’m pretty sure I don’t know what’s going on. My mom keeps asking me about dresses and colors and venues and I think she gets irritated that I have no idea what she’s talking about half the time.

  • Joelle Poitra

    Ditto. I too, was never one of those girls that have been planning my wedding since coming out of the womb. It’s hard enough for me just choosing my outfits every night before I go to bed. I think I’m just gonna “wing” it. Spontaneity and all that jazz. Ya know? But, when and if EVER the time comes, it should be interesting. That’s all I know.

  • Lauren Hollaway

    I ♥ all that this post is, add me to the list of non-planners. I feel like the viewers of this website are probably a small army of not-dreaming-of-weddings-as-a-child kind of girls. I love that you were concerned with being a kid as a kid, I mean being an adult has so much responsibility and not enough Hulk Hogan wrestling. And seriously if I was planning any one day as a kid… it was probably a trip to an amusement park.

  • Amanda Segur

    Love this! I was the same way s a kid and now I’m engaged and I still could care less about “my colors” or centerpieces. We don’t even have a date set and its been over a year! Honestly, i just want to look hot in my dress :)

  • Justine Harpley

    I dreamed of being a spy, never a bride :)

    • Clare Bamford

      After watching Harriet the Spy I slunk around my neighbourhood with a notebook trying to be all sneaky and spy like. I think people thought I was insane. Anyway, I totally wanted to be a spy too.

  • Stephanie Hirsch

    i was hoping to find Neverland……still looking!

  • Angela Abeyta

    Ditto! I’ll save the stress and effort of wedding-planning for when I have to deal with it. 😛

  • Corrine Turke

    very nice! portrayals of women that make them look like they will lose all of their dignity, common sense and kindness at the mere thought of a wedding are so infuriating and insulting. while a wedding – and any large, expensive event for that matter – is a stressful and exciting thing, i think for most people it is not the end all and be all of their lives. i think many women want to have a kick ass party, but are more excited about getting to spend their lives with someone they love. sometimes i can’t believe that in this day and age, these stereotypes about women are so common and encouraged. it saddens me, and stories like yours are incredibly encouraging. i don’t think you’re uncommon for feeling like this, Melissa, i just think its uncommon of you to say it out loud! Thanks!

  • Sarah Beth Andaloro

    Totally agreed. When I was younger I believed in a fantasy wedding, but now that I am older, I have realized that there is no reason to dream about a wedding. I know it is possible that I will get married, but I feel no reason to fantasize about it. Life changes and we change along with it. We just can’t know the future, and in my mind there is no reason to fantasize about that unreal future. It will be what it will be when it happens. And Disney makes me so mad with their promotion of the princesses as helpless girls that must be rescued by a prince who later marries them. We girls should not have to fit into that stereotype!

  • Clare Bamford

    Totally agreed. I always used to be so confused when someone on TV or in a movie said that all little girls dream of their wedding day. All I dreamed of as a girl was Pokemon cards, Sailor Moon(and occasionally how dreamy Tuxedo Mask was), and all the other things a little girl of the 90’s dreamed about, but definitely NOT marriage. Marriage didn’t even come into my head until I met my current boyfriend, and at 23 I still plan on waiting a few extra years. It’s going to be amazing, but it was really never all that big of a deal to me before I met the person I knew I wanted to be with. In any case, not all little girls dream of marriage, and it is infuriating when I hear people say that. Just glad someone said something.

  • Elena Gregson

    Agreed! I was a lot like you as a kid, it seems…I’m an 80s kid, so I loved My Little Pony, Care Bars, and Rainbow Brite (all girly stuff) but I also loved to play with my cousin’s Ninja Turtles and He-Man stuff…loved New Kids on the Block but loved playing Manhunt with the boys on the block, too. My friends I played house and school and all sorts of pretend games but I never was the little girl who wanted to pretend to get married. In high school, seniors always had to do a marriage project in one of our religion classes (I went to Catholic school). Basically, we had to plan our weddings…at the time I never got the point of the project and still don’t, btw. Some of my girl friends counted the days until we got to do this project and then got REALLY into it…like scary into it. I was NOT one of those girls. I worked hard on it and all but never really enjoyed combing through bridal mags to find that perfect dress or ooh and ahh over bridesmaids dresses. It just wasn’t my thing.

    Anyway, cut to the present-day. I just got engaged to my amazing, wonderful, and all-around great fiance. I love him with all my heart and am so happy to be marrying him. We have decided to shoot for a Spring 2013 wedding and won’t really start seriously planning until this spring. We just got engaged last week and I already have people asking me tons of questions. What’s your dress going to look like? How will your hair look? What will your colors be? To pretty much every question I have the same answer: I don’t know. I haven’t thought of that yet. I always get the same response: How have you not been thinking of this for years? It drives me CRAZY that people think every woman grew up gathering intel and ideas for her future wedding….like we have some wedding file tucked away that we are ready to just pull out the moment we get that ring. It’s so aggravating and I find myself super annoyed by it now that I actually am engaged and will soon be planning my wedding. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one out there who feels like that!

  • Kate St

    yes! i didn’t even know that people dreamed about their future weddings! and i’m still not exactly sure if people really do (except maybe kim kardashian? she said it herself; that’s when i REALLY knew the marriage was doomed).

  • Amanda J Foege

    I’ve always dreamed of a marriage, not GETTING married. For some, that doesn’t make sense… for some, I don’t make sense. And therefore, I’ve totally unfriended them on Facebook and won’t even look at their Pinterest anymore.

    That’ll show ’em.

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