I got married a little less than a year ago to a marvelous gentleman. He really is the greatest person in the world for me. Since we will go on “dates” for the rest of our lives, it’s a given that some will be better than others. Some fail miserably, but at least it’s sort of funny and we are contractually obligated to move past it.
Recently we were seated smack next to an ex-girlfriend of his at a restaurant. (Why is LA so small?) I sat rigidly facing ahead, unable to turn around or even move because my staring problem would certainly flare up. He awkwardly shifted his position to hide behind my head. We are mature adults after all. This went on for a while until she and her party finally left. I still don’t think she saw us. It’s too bad because I was looking f-i-n-e fine with my Something About Mary post-scrub cap bangs and flannel-avec-heels slapdash ensemble. Anyhow, what could have been technically a bad date was still great. It was actually quite funny, and it got me to thinking with fond nostalgia of my all time worst dates, of which there have been quite a few…
1. My ultimate worst:
I went for sushi with a guy I met in a Whole Foods. I let my friend talk me into it because she said it was a “cute meet” and that he looked like an “Asian Keanu Reeves”. I met him for dinner after a long day in the OR, pretty famished – famished as in I had eaten nothing since breakfast and I’d been up since 5am. As the hostess began to lead us to our table, he proceeded to demand a window table and said we would wait 45 minutes until one was available. I insisted that seeing food was much more important to me than seeing water and so we were seated. Things he actually said:
“So, how did you change inside when you cut a person for the first time?”
“What does it feel like to cut a person?”
“Wow. You eat and drink more than I do.”
Check, please. Take me home – I get up at 5am. I’ve never been so glad for that excuse. Needless to say, I failed to return future calls. He then sent me a package of Fresh bath products and a letter saying how “disappointed” he was in me and my failure to recognize a wonderful man. You see, he thought I was “smart”.
The story continued a couple years later when a woman giving me a facial was talking about a breakup and I recognized the guy she was ranting about to be this very guy! Apparently he had like 5 girlfriends. And herpes. Sometimes we dodge big bullets, ladies.
2. Snooze Fest. Literally:
I went out with a guy from Match.com. He was a “lawyer” but in real life he turned out to be a law student. That’s fine, but he wanted to go to dinner at 5pm and then talked about law school non-stop. I’m sure this was really interesting, but I was post call and… I actually don’t remember any of it. I only remember hearing him say: “Are you okay? Do you want to go home?” I had fallen asleep at the table.
3. I love you:
In college, I agreed to go on a date with this guy who asked me out for a Friday. Lo and behold, that Friday was Valentines Day. Ew. One could have easily coasted past this slight first date faux-pas, but not him. He brought me a balloon that read: “I love you”. Of all the balloons out there, he chose this one. Several dates later, when I was breaking things off, he actually said he loved me. One reason? We had so many things in common- “We both like sushi”.
4. Are you even trying?:
I went to dinner with a really super hot tennis instructor who was really charming every time he came into the bar where I worked. However, come our date, it was like pulling teeth to get him to talk. I must have been thinking that, because I remember asking him if he had any fillings. I asked his favorite color. I asked his favorite cereal. I was that hard up for a conversation. Crickets.
There was a cute bartender who I decided to go out with because he liked Radiohead. Let this be a lesson: Liking Radiohead should not be your sole selection criterion for a potential gentleman friend. When we were out, four different people approached me, warning me to be careful because the guy had been through anger management rehabilitation programs roughly 5 times. Apparently Thom Yorke hasn’t helped him in that respect.
6. Repeat offender:
A very handsome guy I knew through work wanted to take me to dinner. We had known each other for a while and I am pretty sure he knew that I don’t do red meat. So where did we go? Ruth’s Chris Steak House. I reminded him of my eating habits but enjoyed something there nonetheless. Whatever. It turned out he was a real jerk (I won’t go into details) and I refused to go out with him anymore. Eventually he conned me into a second chance by offering making me dinner. He was very charming, you see.
What did he bring to make? Steak. Sigh.
Every now and then, as I sit watching Devil Wears Prada or whatever with my husband, I am struck with profound gratitude that I found him. But I will miss terrible dates for the stories! Hopefully we will have some more bad ones – gotta keep it spicy, after all.
Tell me your bad date stories in the comments below! Laughter cures heartache. Each bad date is propelling you further toward a good one, and making you more of a badass.
image via ravasz.net