No, @YOU'RE making a scene!Kate Harmer

“Twitter has destroyed me. You have to join, you’ll love it!!” –Me to my sister just about every time I see her.

I am a Twitter addict, but I’m not so far gone that I can’t recognize my own problem. It’s gotten pretty bad. And by “pretty bad” I mean “completely healthy and normal and I CAN QUIT ANYTIME”. I just don’t want to.

I’ve analyzed my own downfall for all of you still in the early stages. (This is way too many words for true addicts.) Do you recognize yourself in this?

STAGE 1: #experimentation
Much like a child first seeing themselves in the mirror or making sounds just to hear their own voice, the early stages of Twitter use are innocent and harmless. It’s about testing the water, quietly chirping into the abyss and whispering, “Is anyone out there?”  This stage also a total snoozefest. Frankly, its a miracle anyone ever gets enough followers to get past this stage, myself included.  Take, for example, two of my earliest tweets:

"waking up from a cold. its sunny!"

oh, Past-Kate... no one cares.

"another suuuuuuper long line"

I mean, right guys?? Don't you just hate that??! Long lines are THE WORST! lol!

STAGE 2: #misuse (and lashing out)
Complain, complain. Inside the head of a misuser:
“You Guys! I think people are listening to me! In fact, I think everyone is listening to me, including every single stranger/inconvenience/issue/etc that gets in my way! Now I can just tweet how upset I am and twitter will deliver that message for me! Now I’m talking to YOU: slow-walkers, calories, talent show judges, chores, EVERYTHING.

STAGE 3: #abuse. (If a thought goes untweeted, did I really think it?)
I am in this stage right now and lemme tell you, it is exhausting. If my thoughts are longer than 140 characters, I stop thinking about whatever I was thinking about and try to edit my thought down. This is HARD and consumes much of my day. It takes me hours to unload the dishwasher as I ponder each dish. What is interesting about this pan? I mean, I bet @shelbyfero would get a kick outta this pan… I’M NOT EVEN A COMEDIAN. Or even a real writer, for that matter. My heart truly goes out to actual writers. They must never rest.

Like most addicts, Twitter abusers regress to their early developmental stages. The boring topics come back with vengeance. But, see, now they’re ironic and really funny. Lets try this tweet again:

another suuuuuper long line

HILARIOUS now, right? I think so too!

This is also right about when Twitter just becomes public instant messaging. My husband and I have, many times, sat on opposite ends of the couch, tweeting each other about the very show we’re watching. This is a sickness, people.

STAGE 4: #dependency (gettin’ needy)
Welcome to the seedy underbelly of Twitter. Some people jump straight to this stage, which is truly tragic. Mostly because they missed out on the complaining stage, which is a blast. Suddenly, just being followed by your friends isn’t enough. It becomes a numbers game. This is when you start tweeting things like “F4F???” to strangers. (translation: “follow for a follow?”. I had to look this up.) Please, stop begging!! You’ve gotten sloppy and desperate and if you don’t watch it, the Twitter paddywagon is gonna come scoop you up. (I wish.) Remember when Paris Hilton said “Diet Coke is for fat people”? I don’t know exactly how that relates to this, but I swear it does. Begging for followers is not something worth following. Just tell more jokes about your dishes and people will flock to your twitter feeds!

ps. please, please: when I reach this stage, stop following me immediately. Its so shameful and I know its coming, but I don’t want you to see me all wrecked, begging for RTs from the twitter-ditches. I’ll probably be happier than ever though, so don’t, like, stage an intervention or anything, k? (really, I’m FINE.)

p.s.s. F4F? @katehrmr .
(jk!) (kind of).

feautured image via karmabrooklyn and techozens

 

comments

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  1. There’s also the Tweeting Celebrities Obsessively Because You Think You KNOW Them Now stage. Thankfully I’ve managed to avoid this stage for the most part, but oh so many people I know are guilty of it. In many ways it ties in with Stage 4. See: “@notafamousperson: @famousperson WHY DON’T YOU EVER REPLY TO ME? If you appreciate your fans you will RT this.”

  2. lmao.. thanks for justifying my crazy.

  3. yay! im not the only one who thinks like this!

  4. Omg Kate! This is Ah-mazing (and scary spot on) on so many levels!!

  5. Oh my GOD, the numbers game. I’ve been sitting around 390 followers for the past like, four months. One day it’ll be 394. 396.392. But for whatever reason I haven’t organically reached 400, for the LONGEST TIME. [WHO CARES?!]

    Then I had that convoluted moment of, “Have I peaked? Have I peaked on Twitter?’ UGH. Twitter is the WORST[best].

  6. I must agree with ur article. I myself just started using twitter and still learning. I used to only use it for posting about get glue but now im really loving the ability to meet all kinds of really great interesing idividuals such as urself. Now hopefully I can get this auto correct feaure down pat on my phone and ill have ot made! ;-)

  7. Hilarious, Kate. I can’t do the twitter thing- I’m already stuck in a facebook hell that I can’t get myself out of.

    • Ha! I know, I feel the same way about FB. I think about quitting daily. But, then I would miss everyone’s birthday! augg!

  8. Brilliant, as usual! And yeah, the Paris Hilton comment completely destroyed me with joy!

  9. I’ve been tweeting far less than I used to… but I still post completely useless tweets.

  10. hahaha!!! love this! “remember when paris hilton said “diet coke is for fat people”? I don’t know exactly how that relates to this, but I swear it does!” hahaha

  11. This is a great article and you should feel great. However, I follow you on twitter, and I have no complaints. :D

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