No, Thank You

Please don’t take offense, but I don’t even appreciate the offer. And I’m a girl who adores both free stuff and receiving postcards. They’re really a dying a piece of cardstock. But cruises, free or costly, have always been a big no-no for me. Cruises have secured a regular spot on the news for their constant: Salmonella outbreaks, other weird intestinal-based break outs like the Norovirus, passengers accidentally going overboard,  passengers not accidentally going overboard, passengers simply “disappearing”, crew-on-passenger sexual assaults, running aground, having other mechanical problems, running aground or having other mechanical problems in waters chock-filled with pirates and so on and so on and so on. All of the above would be big problems when not on a cruise, but at least you’d not be on a cruise.  And therefore, not stuck in the middle of nowhere (occasionally with bad guy pirates).

When it comes to some of the advice that’s given to people before going on a cruise, talking points like, “Don’t touch anything” don’t bring me much comfort. People are also advised: “Don’t pick your nose” and “Avoid closed spaces.” As someone who gets claustrophobic and who isn’t big on nose picking either on or off the water, these two I’m onboard with. Without any intention of ever getting onboard. But wait there’s more. Seasickness. There’s both bad weather-related seasickness and plain seasickness. Did I make up “Plain Seasickness?” Yes. So adorable! I think everyone I’ve talked to, who has been on a cruise, has experienced varying degrees of seasickness. Sure, there are plenty of websites with advice of how to avoid seasickness like “Avoid open seas”. But I’m going on a cruise, sir. “Look for extra-large ships.” (I shout) How big are they!? I’ve had a handful of friends report that  “The crew said this was the roughest they’ve ever seen it. The entire ship was throwing up for two days.” What’s the opposite of “Sold!!!”?

On the upside, it sounds like you can pretty much eat any kind of food you want 24/7 and you can eat as much of it as you want. Sadly, that Shrimp Etouffee at 3am, just ‘cause you can, is likely what’s going to do you in. I promise, by the way, that I’m not a Debbie Downer. I’m just a Debbie Don’t Go On Cruise-er. Which is a Debbie of a different color. With that said, in regards to this complimentary 7 day cruise, I’m going to say no, thank you.

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