From Our Readers "No" Means Move On From Our Readers

Self-help books are great if they specifically call out to you. If you can relate to it, good. If it’s pulling your leg, chuck it. People are naturally born smart – it’s another way to call our instincts – but they tend to ignore that they are and settle to be stupid instead.

In the case of coupling up, there are a ton of books (aka drivel) that pander to the clueless; titles like ‘The Rules’ for girls and lately, ‘The Game’, the proverbial pickup artists’ bible for anything ‘Let’s score’. But see, said manuscript makes women seem predictable and easy to manipulate. Simply it tells you: Do this and women will swoon. ‘The Game’ is pretty much a best-selling Boy Cosmo on paperback.

Pegs for women is okay if you’re auditioning for a play or movie. They’re playing characters; of course, you would need someone to fit a certain character. But in real life, girls are just themselves, not playing a role to move a plot along and serve the purpose of the story. The moment any man believes ‘This is what women want’ the battle is already lost.

It’s nice if you’re interested in a woman and you want to get together some time, eventually maybe you can also become a couple. But contrary to popular belief, coupling up is not a game. And most importantly, women are not prizes to be won or lands to be conquered. Getting together with someone requires both parties to consent to the proceedings. If one is not fully into it, then it’s always best to be smart about it. Ergo, move on.

See, I’m not one of those people who romanticize unrequited love. Having experienced it before, I realized it was such a waste of time to be delusional. I made excuses for myself: ‘He just needs time to see that I’m The One for him,’ ‘If I wait longer, he’ll realize that he wants me and he’ll be touched that I waited for him’. Total idiot, my old self. Now I go by something far simpler: You like someone, go for it. If he doesn’t like you, I wallow a while – I do have feelings – but I dust myself again and go, ‘Next!’ The adventure continues. I don’t have to be a martyr. I don’t have to reserve my heart for when the object of my affection becomes ready for me. And again, I have to stress this point: Don’t be delusional.

Women are not interested in playing games – we’re not Estella from Charles Dickesns’ ‘Great Expectations’, who was brought up and taught by Miss Havisham to break men’s hearts – we’re actually real, regular women who have lives to run. If we like you, you’ll know. If we don’t like you, you’ll DEFINITELY know. Just remember that when we say NO, it really is NO. And when you’re given this answer, you are not encouraged to do anything further. Doing so is pushing it. Any man is allowed to feel disappointed if they’ve been rejected. What’s unacceptable is to have tantrums, guilt-tripping a woman for the choice she has made, and not leaving her alone. That is harassment, buddy.

When you like someone, have the foresight for consequences. Every time you put yourself out there, bare your intentions, you always have to be ready for two results: jubilation and rejection. And when you get the latter and things don’t go your way, make it a lesson learned, and don’t go on a self-pity party of one. Worse, don’t augment this with anger and take it out on the person who said No to you. If you care about that person, have the decency to keep on caring even after being told you’re not for her. In short: Leave her alone. Respect her by distancing yourself. Don’t invade her personal space. Like a vampire, you are not allowed to enter a home unless invited by the owner.

Getting together means two people should feel the same. If you believe in freedom, you should believe in choice. If the choice has been made, respect it. No heightened delusion will ever make someone like you back. There are many women out there who would be interested in you. If you continue to be creepy, good luck to you (and be ready for a police blotter and a restraining order.) I don’t believe being creepy ever got the guy the girl.

You can read more from Melissa Orcine on her blog.

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  1. I fully agree with the “if you like someone, go for it” mentality, with one exception: if it’s someone you work with, what’s your advice there?