The ‘Harry Potter' Updates We'd Really Love to See

I told you guys it was Harry Potter month! On Tuesday, JK Rowling released a “column” on Pottermore updating us on the wizard’s trio. Written in the voice of fictional gossip correspondent, Rita Skeeter, the 1,500 word story reunites the friends, now in their 30s, at the 2014 Quidditch World Cup Finals. Harry’s got silver streaks in his hair and a mysterious cut on his cheekbone, Hermione’s career is skyrocketing and Ron’s “famous ginger hair appears to be thinning slightly.” (More here.)

I both love and hate when Rowling comes out with more information about her beloved characters—love because duh and hate because stuff like “Hermione shouldn’t have been with Ron” comes up in casual conversation. But, I love Rowling, and I love her imagination, and I am forever indebted to her for changing my life with her series.

That being said, I cannot help but fantasize about what I’d really want to see in a new Harry Potter story. Let’s discuss, shall we?

1.  House elves! 

I am the first to tell you that I think the whole S.P.E.W. storyline is super boring, but I was also one of the only people I know that loved Dobby intensely, even before his untimely death. I never thought of Dobby as a “Jar Jar Binks,” I thought he was one of the best characters from the get-go. But, I digress. Though I love S.P.E.W. for what it stands for—not the acronym, I mean the whole equality thing—it comes in the midst of way cooler stuff and therefore comes across as a bit of a snooze-fest for me. Regardless of all of those opinions, it would be really cool to hear more about the house elves, in general. All of the secrets they know about their masters, how Winky is doing, if there is like a Dobby statue somewhere, built without magic, and prayed to every night?! I don’t know. It means a lot to me.

2. Harry renames his kids 

Yeah, yeah, the epilogue is whatever, but the worst part for me was the name “Albus Severus.” I mean, what. I get it, I see why that is supposed to be touching but a) those names do not go together and b) I mean. . .you don’t have to name your kid after Snape. I know he was totally not what Harry thought he was after all those years, but giving your child his name is a little much, don’t you think?

3. Hermione as Minister

I forget. . .do we hate the Ministry of Magic still, like even after everything goes down? Regardless, it would be great to see Hermione as Queen of the World, so I will accept Minister as a pretty good alternative.

4. Neville becomes Headmaster 

I mean, Neville is the best, am I right? Ever since he got the points in the first book, I knew Neville would be a BFD one day. And that he was. Neville really started from the bottom and now he’s here. Well, he’s there. Whatever, regardless, Hogwarts meant a lot to Neville, and he really took over the school in his final year. It would be rad to see him as Headmaster.

So, I made the joke and then found the meme. Just so we’re clear.

5. And also, Luna marries Neville

Whatever, Hannah Abbott! I don’t really get why she is Neville’s wife instead of Luna. It just always made sense for these two to get together as the honorary extras in the HP “trio.”

Previous page 1
newsletter illustration

Giggles in Your Inbox