It’s morning. Nick and Julia have opted out of breakfast, because snuggling at the dining room table is better than waffles or something. Jess and Schmidt bond over their disgust – no in-house PDA for them! They’re single, it’s Valentine’s Day, and Jess has the “dirty twirls,” and I think we all know she’s not talking about her hair. Schmidt says he doesn’t go out on Valentine’s Day, but we all know Jess will convince him. Just look at her face!
Girl wants to go get her some. Wingman alert!
Meanwhile, Julia and Nick are done snuggling in the common areas of the apartment, and have settled on Nick’s bedroom for some quiet conversation. For the first time, both of them want to do Valentine’s Day right! Adorable. Nick tries to be snarky, telling her that for their evening out, she will need a map of Arizona and a container she’s comfortable getting urine in. “Oh, I have one in my purse” she replies, because Julia is awesome and will out-sass anyone.
Never fear, Winston has plans, too! With an ex-hookup, “Shreddy” (aka Shelby, when he’s sober), though Schmidt is opposed to this plan. Schmidt would like to stay in a relationship-free world and drag all his friends down there with him, but Winston isn’t having it. While Winston has plans to woo his one time booty call, Jess is all about the hit and run. Cece doubts Jess can pull it off, seeing as she can develop an emotional attachment to a shoe on the side of the road (she totes can, and she’s right, I mean, one shoe? So sad), but Jess is determined. Tonight is all about “Little Jess,” the cutest little nickname for personal bits that you’ll never hear a guy use.
Cece, being the solid sisterfriend that she is, is tailing Jess to the bar with her boyfriend Kyle (you know, the idiot she needs to break up with already because she’s too good for him), even though Jess just packed an overnight bag and is wafting perfume all over her midsection, so she clearly has this covered.
Nick stops by Julia’s office to pick her up for a romantic evening out. Straight off the elevator he meets Julia’s intern (Clark Duke!), who still has a lot of things to learn about working at a law firm. For starters, don’t start yammering on about how you would “take [your boss] to pound town” to a complete stranger you presume to be a bike messenger, because you never know when it’ll turn out to be her boyfriend. Also, just don’t do it at all because just don’t. Sad story for little intern Cliff.
Julia is all over this Valentine’s day thing! She got Nick heart boxers, and one of those headbands with googly hearts on it for herself (I don’t know what they’re called but you know what I mean), which may or may not make up for the fact that she has at least another hour of work left to do. She’s a working woman, people! She’s making it all happen!
Across town, Winston shows up for his hot date, which is more of a cold shower involving mani-pedis and facials with his lady friend’s other lady friends. Disappointment rears its ugly little head, but it looks like the girls are rocking some O.P.I. so I’m sure it’ll all work out. Elsewhere in town. Jess is at a bar bonding over Oregon (aka the center of the Awesomeverse) with some guy. Schmidt and Cece are keeping tabs on her, though frankly I think it’s just an excuse for the two of them to hang out because they clearly want to spend some time getting Little Cece and Little Schmidt better acquainted. But this is about Jess right now. The boy is nixed by a democratic majority (one which is bonding quite a lot), because Jess needs to hook up with someone she won’t connect with emotionally.
And so Jess is back on the prowl, where she hits on the first dude she sees, inevitably choking on a cherry in the process. Luckily Oliver, a ridiculously hot guy (hi Ryan Kwanten) invested in her breathing abilities (what with the cherry and the choking), shows up to save the day.
Oliver is also insanely boring and takes small talk to a whole new level, so Jess runs off with him to pursue her lack of emotional connection. Cece takes the opportunity to crawl all over Schmidt under the guise of making some other girl jealous, but her plan is foiled by her boyfriend Kyle, who she still hasn’t broken up with. Even though he showed up toasted on shrooms. Clearly a keeper. Schmidt has his evening plans set, but not quite like Jess who shows off her giant box of condoms. More like, Jess and Oliver, who apparently enjoys tacos even more than I do, have no ride and so Schmidt has the honor of driving them home.
Poor Nick, you guys. He’s still waiting for Julia in her office, hopefully popping champagne that, judging by her phone conversation, will go flat long before she hangs up. Their dinner reservation is a lost cause but Nick is full of hope – and free to talk to Winston when he calls with a distress signal, justified by the nose strip on his face and the panic in his voice. The thing is, Winston really likes this girl. Adorable! Definitely more so than Cliff’s (Clark Duke!) inquiries about what sex with Julia is like, which Nick – understandably – does not take kindly to.
Incidentally, Schmidt is also a good friend, as he is still in Oliver’s living room watching a movie with him and Jess – who is sending distress signals to Cece re: Schmidt’s presence, and I’m sure she is more than happy to receive them and come take care of him. If you know what I mean. Oliver runs off to the little boys’ room, giving Jess the chance to kick a youth-fearing Schmidt out of the house. Cece helps, because her toasty man-candy is less than amusing. Schmidt finds his car wheels stolen by youths. Youths!
Julia’s absence gives Nick a chance to bond with Cliff (Clark Duke!), which inevitably results in Clark quitting his post as intern. Good job, Nick. Way to open up the job market for others. And possibly the glorious field of drunken cockfighting. Even Julia’s flashing-heart-shades can’t change Cliff’s mind! His departure, however, leaves Julia with even more work to do, so Valentine’s Day is done here. Not to worry, though, Jess has it covered, making out on the couch with Taco Boy, even after his live-in ex-girlfriend bursts in and expresses her discontent with the situation. Good timing for Cece to pick up Schmidt, who is still around, thanks to the missing tires on his car that were stolen by street youths. Kyle comes in and takes off his shirt, and the enraged ex throws herself at him. Even though Cece gets into some hair-pulling with her, it’s more about personal insults than any attachment to Kyle. Because Cece wants Schmidt’s little OCD douchebag-jar-financing babies, but whatever, the girl made her choices.
Winston has found his groove with the ladies, charming them and giving them guy advice. Meanwhile, Jess can’t deal with her new makeout buddy (whose girlfriend is in the room munching tacos, what else), which is well enough since Taco Boy just wants to get back together with Taco Girl anyway. Nick has sorted Julia’s work, saving Valentine’s Day and making it special once again! Go Nick! Even though you did it all wrong. Because the point is, Julia thinks you’re awesome, and that’s what really counts. She still spends all night on the phone and a little making it out is where the evening ends.
Winston accepts that his evening was just a girls’ night, but as he’s walking out the door, Shelby drags him back with conversation. Turns out that a few years before on Valentine’s he said he’d call and then didn’t! Come on, man. Not even a phone call? That’s cold. But apparently his sincerity and good behavior earned him bonus points, because when the door closes, he’s back inside with Shelby, getting a second chance. Awww!
Jess gets home and runs into Schmidt, who imparts some wisdom: don’t have your first one-night stand with a stranger. Don’t overthink it. Wise words, Schmidty, wise words indeed. I would expect no less from a man who smells like ylang ylang tree oil. Except Jess takes them to heart quite directly, going to his door with her giant box of condoms. He doesn’t answer, but Nick does catch Jess. What? She was feeling twirly! It’s a good thing she didn’t go in, too, because Schmidt is (finally omg amirite) getting it on with Cece!
It’s morning. Valentine’s Day hath endeth. Jess calls Cece to confess that she almost did the stupidest thing ever. She almost tried to hook up with Schmidt. Cece doesn’t have much of answer, though because…
Yep. Is it next week yet?
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