Guys, New Girl is back! Hurray! It seems like ages since we last saw Jess and the gang, but they’re here again, so don’t worry. Or maybe you should worry, because Nick has a new girlfriend, Julia, and she’s sort of a monster. Sort of. For a while, at least. Jess is stoked to have another girl in the house and excitedly tells her that there are tampons hidden all over the apartment, a tip to which Julia barely registers a response.
Out walks Schmidt from the shower, complaining that his towel is like a giant Wet Nap and that he feels like he’s being licked by a golden retriever. He also struggles to cope with two girls in the apartment as they make everything “too damp”, but Jess points out that most of the products in the bathroom are his. Julia pipes up with a smart ass comment and he tells her to,”Watch it, Nick’s overnight guest.” Julia tells him her name, but of course he knows it and wasn’t using it on purpose. He also flexes his chest muscles. Oh, Schmidt.
Julia is apparently helping Jess get out of a parking ticket and looks forward to seeing her that night, but Julia just kinda mumbles “yeah” in a way that pretty much means she’d rather shovel horse manure. Nick calls Jess out for using the “girl [he's] sleeping with”, but Jess takes issue with the fact that he won’t refer to Julia as his girlfriend. They’re “not labeling it” – probably because we all know that Nick is meant to end up with Jess.
After Winston breaks out in an opera, the guys tell him that he needs to get laid, so he decides to call Shelby, a woman that he’s slept with previously but treated like crap, from the looks of things. They meet up to go out for drinks, where Winston starts babbling about milk and his past endorsements. He then asks, ‘Your place or mine?” but this causes his date to burst out laughing. “You show up after two years out of the blue and all you do is talk about yourself,” she accurately points out. She’s not gonig home with him as he took our out for a drink… where she works. She marches off and looks like Winston is on his own.
Back at the apartment, Julia is ready to help Jess with her traffic ticket. Jess, being her usual bubbly self, offers Julia some snacks which honestly look pretty good to me right about now. Julia wants to get down to business, though, and takes a look at the document from the incident. From the looks of things, the ticket might be hard to argue with as Jess is shown weeping and stopped in the middle of the road. However, Jess insists that an injured bird couldn’t move from the road. Also, she missed her first court date since her ex (that jerk, Spencer), never sent it to her.
Julia agrees to try and help Jess, claiming that “the judge might buy into this whole thing” (insert flippant hand gesture here). Jess wants to know what she means, to which Julia pretty much begs for a slap across the mouth as she explains, “Your whole thing, with the cupcakes and the birds and the bluebirds come and help me dress in the morning…”
Jess obviously didn’t know that she was “doing” a thing, but Julia tells her that it’s good cos she probably gets out of a lot of jams because of it. The conversation then turns to the guys’ dating habits, though Jess doesn’t want to reveal the details of their dating lives. As the situation turns ever more awkward, Nick comes in and they’re saved by the bell! Julia asks if he wants to “hang out in [his] room” and he agrees. Julia then hands back Jess’s “blankie” and the cupcake and storms off, leaving Jess to tell Nick that this chick clearly has a problem with her. Nick insists that he doesn’t see it because he’s a guy.
The next day, Jess hangs with Cece and Sadie in the kitchen, discussing Julia. Of course, her friends support Jess, with Sadie admitting that she was initially taken aback by Jess’s “girly” ways but now loves her. Cece keeps it real and wants to “smack the lawyer learning” off of “that bitch’s” face. Word!
Nick wants to know what Julia did wrong, with the girls discussing the intricacies of female interaction. (The tone in which an old friend of Jess’s told her that she wears a lot of polka dots is described as “diabolical”, for instance!) Nick thinks that she’s like that because she doesn’t have any female friends but insists that she’s super up front and honest with one another. However, Jess points out that Julia asked her whether Nick was seeing other people, which comes as a surprise to him since Julia never mentioned such a conversation. Julia also said that she “doesn’t want to label” their relationship – another red flag.
Later, Jess wonders why Nick won’t refer to Julia as his girlfriend and he admits that he’s not good at being a boyfriend. On his list of fears in life is sharks, tap water and real relationships. Oh, and blueberries. Totally valid! Schmidt tries to pimp Winston out, exclaiming loudly that he hasn’t had sex in four months. Winston realises that he has no game and concentrated on playing basketball for too long. Then, Julia arrives and Nick reveals that he didn’t know they were doing “drop bys”.
Nick then says that Jess told him that Julia wanted to know if he was seeing other people and he insists that he doesn’t want to play game. Julia is taken aback and reveals that she is dating other people. To compensate, Nick says that he’s sleeping with a load of different people and that he’s even having sex right now, under the bar. Heh! She’s not the one for you, bro. Duh.
Julia excuses herself to the bathroom and is followed by Jess. Julia’s infuriated that Jess told Nick about what she asked as she thinks it makes her look bad. She then goes on a rant about how she’s so serious and works so hard while Jess is the “fun teacher girl” who’s fun and wears “colourful skirts” and other stupid, anti-feminist BS. Because there’s certainly not more than one way to be a woman or anything…
Jess becomes infuriated when Julia mentions the “blankie” from earlier as she never actually used the word and doesn’t talk like Teddy Ruxspin. Julia says that if she acted like Jess, no one would take her seriously at work, while Jess counters it by saying that if she acted like Julia, her students would turn in “dark, weird dioramas”.
Julia then says that she doesn’t like Jess and doesn’t want to be her friend. She also thinks that Jess is trying to get Nick to run to her loving arms. Why are women so catty? Ugh. Whatever. She tells Jess to leave as she’s going to cry and doesn’t want Jess to see, but Jess wants to cry too and runs to the men’s bathroom, where Nick is also crying. It’s a big old cry fest in here.
The next day, Winston goes back to see Shelby and wants to listen to her, finally. Shelby is less than happy about seeing him as she was a “booty call” for two years. He apologises, admitting that while she’s way out of his league, he’s just not good at dating and would like to see her in the future. Somehow, I don’t think that’s going to happen.
At Jess’s court hearing, Julia shows up and wants to get it over with so they can get out of there. Jess starts practicing her speech for the judge, using her weird, adorable voices that we all love. (I’m being serious. I love them.) When her name is called, she eventually pleads guilty and will pay her $800 fine.
On the way out, Julia starts being all bitchy again about how it’s a shame that they’ll never find out if “the bird defense” works. Fortunately, it’s the last straw for our girl Jess and she has had enough. She tells Julia that she finds it “fundamentally strange” that she doesn’t like dessert, that she’s sorry she doesn’t like Murphy Brown, that she hates her pant suit and it should have ribbon and that she spends her whole day talking to kids. But guess what? It doesn’t mean that she’s not smart and tough and strong.
“I’m going to pay this $800 fine and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch!” she adds, before turning to walk away. Have I mentioned that I love Jess?
Winston and Shelby are walking home – I guess he got to see her, after all. He wants to take her on a real date now, and she tells him to call her. He also does a weird little dance, proving how not smooth he is. Aw, Winston.
Back at the apartment, Schmidt has left his towel in his bedroom, so when he walks back to his room, he begs the girls not to look at him. Of course, they’re not paying him any attention… that is, until he falls over and loses the tiny towel covering him. Schmidt disparages that he’s surrounded by women but is getting less action than ever. Jess also suggests that they hang their towels on hooks to make sure they dry more quickly.
That night, Julia shows up at the apartment to see Jess and feels bad when she sees that she has friends over. Jess, ever the sweetheart, invites Julia in to crochet with the group and she begins to open up, thanking them for inviting her in. Though to be honest, she’s terrible at crocheting. Later, Julia also tells Nick that she doesn’t want to date anyone else, she just wants to date him. This pleases Nick, ‘cos he feels the same. They share a kiss and things seem to be back to normal.
In the bathroom, there’s another mix-up with the towels when Schmidt realises that he and Nick have been using the same towel. Schmidt, ever the germophobe, freaks out, especially when Nick admits that he never washes the towel, as the towel washes him. Ha! Oh, and he wears the other guys’ underwear, too!
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