Jess has gotten Winston roller skates for Christmas and he’s thrilled, sailing through the living room. He took ice skating as a kid, of course! As Nick wraps presents for his nephew at the kitchen table (every child’s must-have: tacks!), Schmidt declares that he hates Christmas because that means Chanukkah is over and because everyone leaves to go home for the holidays.
Nick consoles him by saying that they’ll all hang out at Schmidt’s work Christmas party. Schmidt is going to dress up like Santa since his co-workers will no doubt get drunk and tell him secrets that he can use against them for the rest of the year.
Upon standing up, it’s revealed that Jess didn’t just get Winston skates, she’s gotten all three of them skates, and they’re not too good on them. After nearly falling on their asses, Jess is touched when she comes home to find them all wearing their gifts and tries to take a picture – much to the guys’ dismay.
At the mall, Jess is making Nick help her find the perfect Christmas gift for Paul. She was thinking of just giving him a coupo n for a night of “piping hot sex” but she doesn’t him to think that she’s using him for his body. Ha! Nick makes some off-handed remark about how he’s going to cash it in for some “nerdy” sex. We all know he means with Jess, though he sorta trails off. CAN YOU TWO JUST GET TOGETHER ALREADY, OR WHAT?
Winston wants to know why they have to go to Schmidt’s party but Schmidt thinks it’s a great opportunity for him to network and perhaps find a job to and a “4-to-the-0-to-the-1-to-the-k”. Winston is, understandably, ready to stay broke.
After leaving the mall, Jess won’t tell the guys what she’s gotten for Paul but hints that it’s “fuzzy”. They drive down Candy Cane Lane, where apparently they put up great decorations at night.
Later, Schmidt brings Cece a present – he’s designed a perfume for her, Cecelia #5. Only, Cece’s got a new boyfriend and gives him a rather gross kiss right in front of Schmidt. Awkward! Never thought I’d say this, but I kinda feel bad for him – he actually likes her! Granted, they were never officially “together”, but that still sucks.
As Jess and Paul exchange presents, things get extra awkward when it’s revealed that he’s gotten her… two tickets to Vienna (as in Austria) and passes to the Salzburg music festival. What’s she got him in return? A plush anatomically correct heart from a 50-year-old non-smoker. Oops.
He cracks up laughing and she apologises, saying that she thought it was romantic but wants to get him something better. But he says that he loves it… and loves her. Her reply? “Thank you…” Oh dear.
At Schmidt’s work party, he’s a shirtless Santa who gets reprimanded for not using his St. Nick voice. Jess tells Nick how badly she feels for not having feelings for Paul. DUH, cos you’re meant to be with Nick, hello! She doesn’t think she can break his heart on Christmas, especially because she has typically been the one who loves more in a relationship.
Nick advises her not to lead him on and instead to just tell him, which she says she’ll do. Instead, she hangs out in the bathroom, “eating cookies and avoiding confrontation”, where Cece eventually joins her.
What do you think happens next? Oh yeah, Nick finds Paul standing outside and assumes that Jess has told him the truth about her feelings. He starts rambling on about how just because Jess doesn’t love him now doesn’t mean she never will. He’s clearly shocked by this. Oops.
Nick tries – really poorly, at that – to cover his tracks, but Paul’s not buying it. In the bathroom, Jess wonders if she should just try to make it work but Cece says that there’s no point in doing that. While Jess thinks that maybe it’s better to wait until after the holidays, she leaves Cece in the bathroom to smell the perfume Schmidt made for her. It’s deadly, apparently.
Still, she goes out to talk to him, telling him that he has a “hot body and a pretty face” and not to let his co-worker talk down to him. He’s pleased with this development, as with the fact that she actually wore his perrfume, which smells like “a dirty dishtowel”. Yum!
Nick is still digging himself deeper outside, saying that Jess doesn’t want to rush into anything but that the sex is great. Way to soften the blow, Nick. Eventually, Jess comes out and is furious that Nick has told, but as he tries to make a hasty exit, he realises that he’s locked outside with them.
Because of this, he has to sit and witness the whole conversation. “You started this – sit down and be quiet! Jess instructs him. However, his phone rings in the middle of her speech about trying not to get hurt again. He’s just got to answer it because it’s his mom, though he admits that it’s “as rude as it gets”. He tells her that he can’t talk right now as he’s in a “really weird situation” and hangs up.
As Jess asks whether or not they can just slow down, Paul admits that he’s not sure if he can because that’s not how he feels. Nick goes to interrupt but is quickly hushed.
Inside, Schmidt confronts Kim over the fact that he doesn’t want to be seen as a sex object and is actually a really hard worker. Kim is impressed that he’s finally spoken up but is disappointed that he’ll no longer dress up as Sexy Easter Bunny or Sexy Cinco de Mayo or – perhaps most inappropriately – Sexy Martin Luther King Jr. Oh my.
Schmidt’s boss’ son has gone missing, and since Winston was the only one he would talk to, she comes to him when the kid goes missing. They split up to look for him, while outside Paul says that he and Jess need to break up because he can’t slow down. Why the hell not? I’m dismissively waving my hand in the air, here, by the way.
Jess says it’s okay, but Nick is upset and thinks that they shouldn’t break up at Christmas. He also gets let back inside by Winston, who eventually locates the boss’s son inside the Santa igloo. Schmidt’s boss gives Winston her card, saying that she’ll pay him a lot of money to hang out with her son again in the future. Aw, Winston the babysitter!
It’s a rush to the airport for Nick, who has missed his flight home four years in a row. They head down to Candycane Lane, but the lights are all off because it’s too late Jess is clearly upset, saying that she’s always in the wrong place at the wrong time, but Nick won’t admit defeat.
He starts shouting and knocking on the door to encourage people to turn on their lights, and the whole group joins in, yelling and raising a lot of hell. Their plan works, and they all celebrate as the lights come on all around them.
This cheers Jess and pretty much cements to me WHY SHE AND NICK NEED TO BE TOGETHER, LIKE, YESTERDAY. Seriously, guys. Get with it!
Merry Christmas, everyone!
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