Jess is getting ready for her first wedding “together” with Nick as Schmidt watches on. Apparently, she’s going to pose as Nick’s girlfriend and thinks that he should have a nickname (er, no pun intended) such as “Nick-Knack” or “Mister Suspenders”. She’s also supposed to make sure that he stays out of trouble with Caroline, though something tells me that won’t be happening.
In any case, Jess wants to know why Schmidt and Winston can’t help Nick but it’s apparently because Nick doesn’t listen to the guys anymore… as evidenced by this rather hilarious flashback:
Jess then chooses a dress which is some bizarre flower child maxi dress, but it’s immediately deemed the ugliest dress Nick’s ever seen and Schmidt instructs her to choose something that makes him think, “Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?”
Jess knows who: the slut butler, of course (in mock English accent, no less).
Winston’s in a hurry to get moving to the wedding as he’s going to be serving as an usher and views it as his first job in months. “I want to ush this wedding in the FACE!” he exclaims. Fair enough. He also doesn’t want to answer questions about whether he’s playing overseas basketball still. Does it look like he is?
Meanwhile, Jess instructs the guys that when they do the chicken dance, she likes to put her own spin on things by forgoing the clap and inserting a head peck. That’s a brilliant idea – the head peck is essential to chickenhood. But Nick and Schmidt aren’t having it – they want her to “suppress the Jess”.
The next time Jess steps out of her massive walk-in closet that seems to have come out of nowhere, she admittedly looks fantastic… but of course has to ruin it by wearing prop teeth. The guys get up and walk out.
Arriving at the wedding, Jess admits that she could only fit into her dress by wearing little girls’ bike shorts which are tight and will keep her from peeeing. I’m assuming they cinch her in around the waist as the dress is flowy where the legs are, but I won’t overthink it. She spots bubbles and heads straight over to them, though she’s stopped by the guys.
Schmidt spots Brooke, a girl he’s head a crush on for years. He puts her on “the kill list”, which Jess deduces is because he wants to have sex with her. “One day you’re going to kill the nicest girl!” she says as he walks off.
Outside, Nick starts freaking out and being all short with Jess because he knows that Caroline is around somewhere. She teases him about his pretend boyfriend status, but he just wants to concentrate on getting through the day. He reminds her again not to be herself.
Winston runs into an old acquaintance, who wants to know what he’s up to and he proudly announces that he’s an usher. Then he meets some smart mouthed little kid, Jimmy Longjam, who’s apparently the “alternate usher”. This doesn’t sit well with Winston, who insists that he’s there and therefore no other usher needs to exist.
Still, Jimmy accuses him of being late and that he needs to look the word “commitment” up on a typewriter… that doesn’t make sense and the kid is a bit old for me to write that off as a lack of understanding, but let’s go with it. Jimmy and Winston then begin competing to seat the guests first.
Meanwhile, Schmidt spots Gretchen Nelson (played by Natasha Lyonne) who he can’t stand but apparently always ends up sleeping with whenever they’re in the same place. Jess and Nick hightail it out of there to leave them to their… whatever it is.
Gretchen announces that her pant suit has more stretch this time around and that she has plans to tie Schmidt down and make him look at a 2 hour presentation of pictures from her white water rafting trip. Schmidt tries to escape the situation, though I have a feeling that won’t be the last of it.
While seated, Nick spots Caroline and she comes over to say hello. Of course Jess can’t be normal and as they’re introduced, she begins batting her eyelashes and pretends that she can’t understand Caroline’s name. She then announces that she and Nick just started dating and are therefore “still in that honeymoon phase”, much to Caroline’s confusion. Apparently Jess and Nick can’t sleep because of all the “doing it” and as Jess strokes Nick’s face, she deems him “soft like a towel”. Ha! Caroline excuses herself quickly. I kinda expect Nick to yell at her for her outburst, but instead he thinks she’s done pretty well, considering that Caroline seemed a bit jealous.
Inside at the bar, Schmidt and Brooke meet up and she barely remembers him and it’s something random that jogs her memory. He tries to get her a drink but she’s six months sober. Schmidt pretends that he is too, though that lie hits a snag when the bartender tries to give him the white wine that he ordered. He refuses it, but privately instructs the bartender to rendez-vous with him in the bathroom and to bring a water bottle full of vodka.
After the ceremony, Jess hangs all over Nick as Caroline comes back to talk to them. Caroline comments on how long the ceremony took and Jess hightails it out of there so the two can talk. Only… on her way out, she runs into the entering bride and groom and is forced to pretend that she’s announcing their arrival. Caroline thinks that Jess is “great” and asks if it’s serious, with Nick telling her that it is and that they live together – though he clarifies that they still have their own rooms and only share the bathroom.
Uh oh, Gretchen’s back and thinks Schmidt got his boots off a lady hiker and also vows to make him wear her clip-on earrings. Again, Schmidt tries for a second exit and goes to talk to Jess, who’s wondering if it’s a bad thing that she can’t feel her legs. He shifts the focus back to himself and tells her that he just has to go home with Brooke tonight.
Before that convo can go anywhere, however, Winston approaches and announces that they have a problem. Nick and Caroline are talking closely and is definitely “not fine”. She doesn’t understand what the harm is but says that she’ll go back in and try to get him out of the situation.
In order to get his attention, she starts dancing and tries to get him to join in but he’s off to get a drink with Caroline and thanks her for giving him an actual chance to get back with her. Uh, well, that wasn’t the plan. When alternate usher Jimmy tries to get in there for some dance action, Jess doesn’t feel like it and walks off. He pulls her back, but she’s really uncomfortable. However, before you can blink, Winston wants to have a dance off with Jimmy and wins pretty quickly when he starts doing some bizarre pelvis thrusting move.
Jess goes off to find Schmidt, who’s talking to Brooke. She begins screaming about how he needs to help her get out of her bike shorts so that she can go find Nick, but Brooke is weirded out and wants to know why he’s friends with her. Schmidt then concocts some insane story about how they met while they were alcoholics and that Jess went a little crazy and could be dangerous when she’s drinking. Brooke suggests they get him out of there but just has to go to the bathroom quickly. Something tells me she’s going to hightail it out of there.
Incidentally, she goes into the bathroom and there’s Jess, cutting off her underwear with what looks to be a cake cutter? “Girl stuff!” she exclaims, further convincing Brooke that she’s nuts. As Jess waves the blade around after getting the shorts off, she warns a terrified Brooke not to break Schmidt’s heart.
Jess finally finds Nick and Caroline in the photobooth and begins yelling at him as if he cheated on her. Nick wants her to go away, but Caroline insists that nothing has happened.., especially since she has a boyfriend. This comes as a blow to Nick, but Caroline reveals that she’s been dating someone for a while and decided not to bring him in order to avoid hurting his feelings. However, now she knows that Nick has Jess, so things are okay. She heads off as Jess starts screaming about their baby… and their other baby.
Here comes Schmidt and he’s not happy – Brooke has left in tears, saying that Jess threatened her with a knife. Jess promises that’s not what happened, and Schmidt calls her a “ruiner”, blaming her for failing to keep Nick in line. She gets angry and understandably so, taking her fake teeth back from Nick’s pocket and announcing that she’s going off to have fun and be herself again. You go, girl!
Next thing you know, Gretchen’s back and it’s pretty obvious who Schmidt – clip-on earrings and all – will be going home with. Meanwhile, Nick is rather drunk and is holding onto the photobooth pictures of himself and Caroline, slurring about their relationship and sobbing about his loneliness into the wedding videographer’s camera. That’s not such a good look.
Sitting at one of the banquet tables with one of her bare feet on the chair, Jess is met by Winston and the pair blow some of the novelty bubbles. He apologises for the other guys being jerks but insists that they’re glad she’s around. Jess wants to talk about beings “stuck in a freak sandwich” between him and 8-year-old Jimmy, but he just laughs, saying he took his emotions out in dance.
The group then goes to deal with a quickly deteriorating Nick, who’s back in the photobooth and wants to apologise to Jess for being a jerk. She steps into the photo booth and tells him that Caroline should never have been flirting with him since she has a boyfriend and tells him not to be anyone’s back-up plan. Then she tells him to come take off his shoes and dance.
As a side note, I know it would be a totally predictable TV trope, but I would really love to see Nick and Jess get together. They’d be so cute! Nick is so sweet and Jess is so goofy and the way he was looking at her in the photobooth was adorable. Sure, that could be the liquor talking (booze is a bit moony at times), but I dunno. The heart wants what it wants, guys.
Nick’s made progress! He goes to speak to Caroline and says that he can’t do this anymore and has to let her go for good. As they hug, Nick says goodbye to their relationship and Caroline agrees. He also wishes her the best of luck in the future and then goes to get Jess so that…they can dance! Awww.
It’s a Phil Collins jam, and who doesn’t love Phil Collins? (“I’ve got two ears and a heart, haven’t I?” – Jack Donaghy) But just when you think they might slow dance, Nick starts doing a lazy version of the funky chicken, which makes Jess laugh.
Schmidt thinks it looks like “so much fun” and joins in and soon Winston’s up too. The four do their slo-mo chicken dances and no one else seems to be paying attention. This is one weird wedding.
Stay tuned for more New Girl recaps every Wednesday! New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8c on Fox.
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