Jess comes home from (or is leaving for?) what seems like a busy day at school – arms full of materials for a presentation on the solar system. However, she’s been beckoned – Schmidt needs her help! He’s a sexy man, right? Well, not by my standards, really, but then, we all have our own tastes and he isn’t terrible to look at or anything. Anyway, he asked Jess, not me.

Turns out, Jess also doesn’t know how to answer that question and once Schmidt starts going on about how he has a date and plans on bringing a lady home, Jess suddenly has to hurry to school for Astronomy Day because she’s dressing up as Galileo and has yet to put on her beard. I’ll have to use that one next time I’m in an uncomfortable situation.

Schmidt starts trying out random places in the room that make him look sexiest and soon Nick is involved and wants to see his choices. We’ve got the bed, the chair and… perched on the side of the chair, “maybe reading a book or something”.

Obviously unimpressed but clearly wanting to have a laugh, Nick admits that there are quite a few positions to choose from and he might need Schmidt to do them again in quick succession in order to make a better decision. Jess soon picks up on the fun and while Schmidt seems to get that they’re laughing at him, he’s still entirely serious about his question.

In the kitchen, Jess is making some sort of bagel, cream cheese and tomato concoction (I call anything that I wouldn’t personally eat a “concoction”, for future reference) as she discusses Winston, the guys’ former roommate who’s now back to replace Coach, with Nick. I miss Coach. He left without a word, which means we’ll never have closure. But it’s okay. I’ll get over it, I guess. Jess wants to meet Winston but he’s passed out after a wild night. Apparently Winston went pro in basketball… in Latvia, Schmidt is quick to point out. “Aw, you’re jealous, that’s so cute!” Jess exclaims. And… off comes Schmidt’s shirt again. Flexing his bass? Good Lord.

Jess has apparently prepared this breakfast for Winston and takes the tray into the room where he’s sleeping, slamming it down and effectively waking him up. Winston seems like he’s seen a ghost and things don’t improve when Jess starts belting out her theme song. He starts screaming, “What’s happening? Why are you doing that?!” Turns out, Winston has a hangover.

In the bathroom later, Jess has been discussing boundaries with the guys and when Winston walks in – looking slightly more awake – she apologises for her early morning serenade, which was admittedly “not cool”. She then asks to borrow a tank top and launches into how she’s low on clothes because of the whole break-up with Spencer. Schmidt tries to save the situation by offering her a selection from his Lost & Found of stuff left behind by ladies he’s “forrrrrrnicated” with. It sounds more like “fawnnnnicated” but if I wrote that, you might not know what I meant. Well, you probably would. I shouldn’t underestimate my audience, I suppose. Anyway.

Going through the Lost & Found, Jess exclaims that Schmidt has slept with “a lot of forgetful women”. She even finds a long weave, which apparently brings back fond memories of Rosh Hashanah ’06 for him. Hey, you and me both. (Not really.) Schmidt asks Jess if Winston has mentioned wanting the big bedroom back but she hasn’t heard anything. However, he definitely wants it as he tells Nick in the living room that Schmidt is probably stupid enough to give it up.

Out walks Jess, wearing some bizarre concoction of clothes from Schmidt’s selection, including a dusty pink track jacket in what looks to be velour. I own a velour tracksuit. Two, actually… not that I should admit that publicly, probably. Nick thinks that Jess should call Spencer to get her own clothes back but Jess thinks the stuff was theirs as a couple, so it’s hard. To distract her, Schmidt throws her the basketball, which turns out the be the worst idea ever (I could have told you that) because what does she do while singing one of her trademark songs? She breaks the TV, of course.

Jess offers to buy the devastated guys a new one but doesn’t have the money right now. However, she conveniently has an extra flat screen TV at Spencer’s and they want her to go get it. She can’t, though, because of that maybe-really-nice “ho” that he cheated on her with. Jess thinks Spencer’s power over her is like a wizard to his mage… and all because of his hair. If I remember the pilot correctly, his hair didn’t seem that great. But, you know, they do say love is blind and all…

After enduring a bit of a shouting, Jess finally agrees to call Spencer and “talk to him”, which eventually leads to a Blind Melon-soundtracked scene in which Jess succombs to the powers of Spencer’s hair. Which I can now confirm isn’t that great, as suspected. Allow me to break the fourth wall for a second here and say that Zooey looks absolutely adorable in this scene.

Schmidt, Winston and Nick are waiting at a local cafe, presumably for Jess to come back with news about the TV. Schmidt tries to hit on a waitress and suddenly, Winston decides to put his plan of getting the biggest room back into action. They tell Schmidt that while he’s the top dog, all top dogs are different and not all of them need the biggest room. If Schmidt is dumb enough to get talked out of the room, he deserves the smaller one, I think.

Out in the park, things aren’t going so great for Jess. She inquires after the afore-mentioned ho, whose name, she learns, is Rochelle. Jess thinks that Rochelle sounds like a mermaid name and begins doing a bizarre impression of what’s presumably a mermaid, with floating hair and doing this sorta spacey voice and saying, “I’m Rochelle… I eat fish!” Do mermaids eat fish? Any mermaids and/or mermaid experts care to weigh in?

Jess finally cuts to the chase and wants her stuff back, but Spencer has other plans. He starts shushing her and Jess ends up driving Rochelle (Is it Rochelle or Michelle? I still can’t tell… and didn’t intentionally rhyme, there) to the airport. Say whaaaaat? Uh uh, girl. Not on my watch! Spencer and Rochelle start singing along loudly to ‘Bust A Move’ but Jess is uncharacteristically silent. I would hope she at least got some gas money out of them, but I think that’s a pipe dream.

Later that day, Jess tries her luck at a local pawn shop, where she is trying to find a TV. Apparently a new TV will be $550, which seems a bit steep to me but then I’m still rocking a Phillips 19″ tube TV that I can’t even set straight on my dresser because the back sticks out too far, so what do I know from TV?

Anyway, Jess tries to say that she’s a teacher and that he should do it for the kids, but the pawn shop worker is not budging and even when she tries to play the breakup card, it’s a no, so she heads out after half-hearted attempt at trying to steal a TV that would probably crush her if she succeeded in getting it off the shelf it sat on.

Back at the apartment, Nick and Schmidt once again discuss Schmidt’s “top dog” status and he shows off a rather ugly ring of some sort, declaring it “nectar” which is apparently a volleyball term for… ugly? No. It just mean awesome. Jess returns, smudge-eyed and with Cece at her side.
Cece’s pretty angry with the guys for making Jess contact Spencer. After telling them what’s happened, Nick declares that Spencer is Jess’s kryptonite and he thinks that she’s not fighting because she knows that once she gets her stuff back, the relationship is really over. Cece agrees and Jess starts beating pillows and suddenly she’s really mad and ready to go get her stuff. And the guys go with her!

Once she gets to the house, she has to drive around the block about 30 times before she can stop. In the backseat, Schmidt says that he knows that Winston has been trying to trick him into thinking that he’s not the top dog. While it seems to have fallen apart, Schmidt claims that he knows that Winston doesn’t respect him because if he did, he would have told him that the small room was the top dog room. In the words of a popular cartoon man also on this network… “D’oh!”

It’s eventually Vanessa williams’ ‘Save the Best For Last’ on Winston’s pre-game mix CD that gets Jess fired up and at the front door. However, Spencer says that he misses her and they start hugging. While it seems all is lost, when Jess catches sight of the potted plant which he’s neglected to water despite her instruction, her anger comes back and she’s in for her stuff.

When she comes out, the guys notice that she looks a bit like Helena Bonham Carter. It’s a pretty astute observation – I probably would have made that joke if they didn’t. While Spencer wants to “rap it out”, Jess wants her shirt back and the guys are there for her and stand up to him. Spencer thinks that she should just live with him until she finds somewhere better since he doesn’t like the guys, but no way. Then Jess does something wonderful… she stands up for herself.

“I’ve got a place to live, Spence. It’s over. I spent six years trying to figure you out and all you are is a guy with really beautiful hair. I’m happy you cheated on me. Thank you. Because if you hadn’t, I would have married you and then you would have hurt me all over again. And yeah, I was scared to start over. I didn’t know what to do and I’m living with three guys I met on the internet and stranger danger is real. But I love these guys. I barely know them, I just met [Winston]… but I love them. All of them,” she says and what’s admittedly a pretty great monologue.

When Spencer asks what’ll happen if he refuses to give Jess her shirt back, he gets a rather audible slap across the face as well as an exclamation from Schmidt of, “Thumb ring, bitch! You got some Schmidt on your face!”

Back at the apartment, Winston admits that he didn’t respect Schmidt before but does now and that he should keep the big room. However, Schmidt’s “not falling for it” and insists on taking the smaller room, much to Winston’s relief.

They also get the new TV set up… with duct tape, but hey, who’s counting? Still, after she mentions the “heartwarming” films she’s got, everyone hightails it out of there… save Schmidt, who’s totally down to watch Curly Sue.

Stay tuned for more New Girl recaps every Wednesday! New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8c on Fox.

> ‘New Girl’ Recap: The Pilot

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