There are little and big things throughout the day that validate my intelligence or rob me of it entirely. It isn’t even just intelligence that I feel robbed of, sometimes it is just straight street cred. Obviously I feel way more violated having lost my street cred. It’s always been cooler to look like I was part of 3LW than to be some Jeopardy know-it-all. I hate playing Jeopardy with people who know more than one answer in a row and who don’t even scream it out fast and in a strange, high voice because for them it’s not surprising at all that they are a brain-box full of knowledge. Duh. When I am in a room full of people watching Jeopardy, or even just one other person (because there always has to be an audience when I am doing anything great) answering a question correctly before anyone else can spit it out (even if it’s at the exact same time someone else answers but I say it louder so it looks like I was first) is something that makes me feel unstoppable the rest of the day and depending on the level of difficulty, maybe the rest of the week.
When I choose to back my car into a space and I have passengers in my car (I would only do this with passengers in my car to witness, obvi.) and I successfully back my dodge up into a spot with two other empty spots on either side, I am some sort of big timin’ cool chick. Even just saying “big timin’ cool chick” shows how cool I must be because who else says that-right? No one, I’m original. An original big timin’ cool chick.
Also, If I happen to overhear a conversation that I am definitely not a part of but it involves some sort of big news story and I then repeat that information later by using key words I retained from before, I am all of a sudden Nancy Grace or Kelly Couric or Matt Lauer – look at how impressive my knowledge of newsies is? People with news stories are responsible for completely catapulting conversations among strangers that allow you to look cool and sophisticated and just sit back and watch friendships form and excitement develop and all the credit is yours, you little Barbara Walters you.
There are rare, rare moments that I spend privately contemplating bigger issues that stun me and leave me feeling vacant of the knowledge pertinent to win game shows. Yesterday, it was required of me to enter my time zone on this order form. I pulled up my list of choices and could not find one that sounded just right. I sat there and kept playing back the narration in previews for shows but all I could hear was “(voice moving up and down) and 10:30 Central.” I could repeat it out loud and even say it with expression and still no answer showed itself. I looked at these timezones and read the names of potentials in the place of a voice that just blurred out important information in his own excited way and nothing seemed to fit. I even tried to understand what the parentheses and the numbers meant beside each time zone but the times were all on the hour and my computer’s clock was flashing 9:32 so I thought that I was suddenly living in a timezone that didn’t exist. I had no other choice. I did what anyone else would do in that sort of pickle. I called my dad. Dads, they just always have all the answers. My dad can tell me what the light means on my dashboard when I describe him the shape it looks like. He can tell me where I am and how to get home when I am so angry to my GPS I can’t even look at her and when I can’t even tell him where I am except that I feel like I am pretty close to an Arby’s and I am pretty sure that if I keep driving I will end up getting murdered by the people who murder people when they get lost. So a tricky little thing detail like the time zone we live in won’t be any new feat for him.
I think we can all agree that we’ve had silly little moments where we maybe took an 8th grade field trip to D.C. coming back with unsettling disappointment when we didn’t even get to see the Statue of Liberty. Or innocently asking a Canadian friend if they had their own Canadian version of “The Olympics” in their Country? We all have our moments but thank goodness for the shining times where we remember that aardvark has two a’s because of an episode of Arthur in 4th grade or that we know that exercise creates endorphins which make you happy from Legally Blonde or Vitamin D. It does not matter if we do not know what good Vitamin D is or any other sources of it besides tanning beds. What matters is that we know and if we know these things and we can use our incredible combination of street cred and intellect to solve a people crossword, we can do anything!
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