In the past week, trailers have been released for two dueling Snow White films: Mirror, Mirror and Snow White and the Huntsman. Both look fantastic, but if there’s going to be a Battle Royale next year for Snow White adaptations, I would like to humbly submit my own version.
MEGHAN’S SNOW WHITE.
A “DEAL WITH MY CRAZY IDEAS” PRODUCTION
We open on a magical castle. Architecturally it looks like a typical Medieval European castle, but because this is my movie and I like Tron, it’s going to glow like everything in Tron. Got it? Cool.
The camera sweeps over a gorgeous neon tinted landscape. Flowers are made out of jewels. Puppies roam everywhere. Finally, we get to go inside the castle where the Queen stands in front of a huge vanity mirror.
My Queen is not traditionally beautiful, but she has an unearthly glamour. She is a self-made woman and the most powerful sorceress alive. Her confidence ensures that she looks stunning in anything she wears. She is, of course, played by Tilda Swinton.
Tilda purrs at the mirror, “Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall…just tell me what I want to hear.”
The Mirror answers in the voice of Alan Cumming, “Um…no.”
“I’m going to go out on a limb and tell you something you don’t want to hear. That is–yes–you are very beautiful, but there is a prettier girl on the scene.”
The camera cuts to Snow White eating cupcakes in a bubble bath while Cyndi Lauper plays in the background.
Snow White will be played by a young woman who is the combination of young Elizabeth Taylor, Audrey Hepburn and Anne Hathaway. She’s basically the prettiest girl you’ve ever seen. On top of that, she’s smart, funny, athletic and nice to everyone. She essentially perfect. Snow White is the kind of girl you desperately want to hate because she makes you feel less than by comparison, but you can’t hate her because she never did anything wrong. So, you start looking for the tiniest of flaws to harp on. The way her smile didn’t seem genuine that one time you asked her if she liked your new bangs. Or maybe she wore a hideous dress trying to be silly once. Or maybe you’re convinced she’s being awesome on purpose to make you feel terrible about yourself. That’s the kind of girl Snow White is. A sane person would be able to step back and say, “Hey, I’m being jealous for no good reason. I have to let this go.” However, the Queen is not sane. She’s crazypants. So, the Queen decides to murder Snow White.
The next forty five minutes happen the way you think the next forty five minutes will happen. A rugged huntsman played by Clive Owen is dispatched to murder Snow White in the middle of the forest. She nerds out with him about ranged weapons and the original Star Trek series, and he feels too attached to Snow White to murder her in good conscience. So, he’s all, “Just go and hide in the forest.” “What? But we didn’t even discuss how Nurse Chapel is so mistreated emotionally by Spock yet!” And the Huntsman replied, “If you don’t go, I’ll have to kill you.” Snow White is sad because she really likes talking about Nurse Chapel–and because the idea of death is depressing.
She runs off and meets a bunch of dwarfs who work in a diamond mine by day and run a speakeasy by night. You know, it’s just your typical magical forest speakeasy. They sing jazz standards and serve rum to underage squirrels in acorn cups. Adele will have a guest role as a lounge singer who gets one Academy Award nominated song and three endlessly quotable lines of dialogue. It’ll just be great.
Until the Queen finds out Snow White is still alive.
So, yeah, the Queen decides to take matters into her own hands. She dips an apple in poisoned caramel, dons a disguise and hightails it to Snow White’s new speakeasy home. Since Snow White is nice and wants to trust everyone, she eats the poisoned apple and falls into a coma. The Queen cackles and exits scene. She goes back to her castle and she starts to think about what she’s done.
The Queen actually starts to feel really guilty about what she did. She realizes that a lot of her animosity towards other women stems from the fact that when she was young, an older woman made her feel terrible about herself. There was a snide remark about her shoes. A joke about the way her hair frizzed in the rain. One time the older woman–the fabulous Duchess du Godiva Chocolates (as played by Grace Kelly)–tricked the younger version of our queen into thinking that a handsome prince loved her. It turned out he was actually gay, so the Queen ended up feeling really dumb about trying to kiss him in a moonlit garden. What’s worse, the Duchess du Godiva Chocolates made fun of her for trying to seduce the prince. She made some comment about her neckline being too low and her brain being too dumb. They weren’t the smartest of put-downs, but they made the younger version of the Queen sad, nonetheless. After that, the Queen vowed to get rid of the Duchess du Godiva Chocolates and to always make sure that she was the prettiest, smartest most fashion-forward woman in the land. She learned all about magic and political science–but not to use them to help anyone but herself. It was kind of a waste. All the energy she put into trying to squash other women down could have been put into making her kingdom a better place.
The Queen started to cry. See, she remembered that when she was young, she wanted to be a city planner and help the poor. She started going to court to hang out with the Duchess because the Duchess had been a great philanthropist in her youth. The Queen had wanted to learn from the Duchess, and she did. She learned to hate other woman.
At this point, Cher’s “If I Could Turn Back Time” begins to play. The Queen storms out of the castle and back towards the forest, hoping to make some kind of amends for what she did to Snow White.
Cut back to Snow White sleeping in a David Blaine style glass coffin. The dwarfs have this crazy notion that a handsome (not gay) prince who frequents the speakeasy (and who sang a cool duet with Snow White one time when they were both drunk) can revive her with a kiss. The prince sees Snow White passed out and says out loud, “This is really creepy.” The dwarfs say, “Well, yeah…this is a fairy tale. There’s some creepy magic stuff happening. YOU SHOULD KISS A GIRL WHEN SHE’S PASSED OUT. THAT’S NOT AMORAL OR ILLEGAL OR ANYTHING UNTOWARD LIKE THAT.”
The prince refuses because it is actually super creepy and wrong to do anything physically romantic to a woman when she’s passed out. The prince is a true prince.
However, Snow White is still in a coma. That is an issue.
Now the reformed Queen shows up. She sees Snow White in a coma and says, “Hey, this is kind of my fault. I’m sorry. Let me fix it.” And she uses magic to revive Snow White. When Snow White awakens she sees the Prince and the Queen. She compliments the Queen on her outfit and then the Queen replies, “Thanks. I like yours, too.” Adele shows up with some drunk squirrels. Everyone is happy.
Then there are fireworks and dancing pandas and a lightsaber duel between two characters we never met and a song and dance number like the one at the end of An American in Paris. The Queen and Snow White share a bottle of wine at the speakeasy and discuss how they both have dreams. They agree to support each other’s professional goals and they decide to open a university in the castle where people can come and study for free so they can improve their stations in life. Also, the Huntsman comes back and asks Snow White on an actual date where they can discuss classic Star Trek and the Prince asks the Queen if she’d like to abscond to a moonlit garden where they kiss.
It’s pretty much the best movie that could ever be made. There’s even a subplot that I cut out where early 1990’s Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks fall in love. I mean, this is seriously the best movie that could ever be made.
It should be made.
And women should stop telling fairy tales to their daughters about how women want to destroy other women. Because you know what happens when those are the only stories we’re told? We grow up believing it’s true. And that’s when it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.