How do you stave off a bad mood? Some people go for a run, other people like to place a pen to paper. Some people even do meth, but I don’t really recommend that at all.
When I’m feeling less than stellar, I often find myself clicking and clacking at my computer until I reach Petfinder.com. The parameters are loose, with the only requirements being that the type of animal is set to dog, and the age set to senior.
In my wildest dreams, I own Puppy Mansion. It’s a mansion full of puppies and me (and maids who hide in the shadows, only to be seen when there’s an accident to be cleaned). But in my second wildest dreams, I own Senior Citizen Puppy Mansion. All I want to do is marry a young Steve Martin and adopt hundreds of dogs with grey muzzles. Am I emotionally mature enough to handle a situation where I find dead dogs every day because that’s what old things do, they die? Probably not.
Here are my Top 5 Favorite Almost Dead Dogs. If you adopt one of them, let me know and send me pictures.
Barney M is a Shih-Tzu mix who hails from Providence, Rhode Island. He has dry eyes that necessitate the use of artificial tear drops. I’ll tell you who doesn’t need artificial tear drops after reading such a fact — this chick right here. Au natural tearing up, baby. Though not stated, I imagine that Barney M is the dog equivalent to a slightly effeminate Southern minister who is most likely gay, but too scared to come out and show his congregation who he really is at heart.
Tiny Dancer, a Boxer from Kirksville, MO, is the wisest looking creature I’ve seen in 6 years, and I’m including human beings. Look at those eyes. This dog has probably helped with the Underground Railroad. This dog aided in the protection of Jewish children in Nazi Germany. This dog helps out in a soup kitchen even though she barely has enough money to buy herself a can of beans. Maybe all of this is a lie, who knows! Not me, the person who is lying about it! All we can say for certain is that Tiny Dancer’s name is Tiny Dancer and that’s enough information to win me over.
I thought the Illinoisan Pomeranian Coco was a masterpiece because she looks like a black Red Panda baby, but really the amazing thing about her is that she looks like a black Red Panda baby and she only has 3 legs. You guys, if there’s anything that lights up my soul more than senior citizen dogs, it’s senior citizen dogs with missing limbs. My heart can barely take it.
I had to include all 3 pictures of Vinnie, the Shih Tzu mix who calls Kansas City his home, because I want us to figure this important question out together: Is Vinnie already dead? Is petfinder.com trying to pull some sort of Weekend at Bernie’s fiasco here? Was his mother a Shih Tzu and his father a dead Shih Tzu? Is that what he’s mixed with? I love him, no matter his state of decomposition.
Meet Muffin, from Kentucky. Do you know what the meanest thing in the world is? Besides bigotry and murder and when you think you’re about to eat a chocolate chip muffin, but then it turns out to be a blueberry muffin and it’s not that you don’t like blueberries, it’s just that it’s not what you’re expecting?
It’s the fact that we made English Bulldogs a thing. They’re essentially a man made breed. They often need to be artificially inseminated, almost always need to be birthed via cesarean section and if you manage to find an English Bulldog who made it to old age and doesn’t have hip problems, knee problems, or the dreaded cherry eye problem, then I’ve got news for you: you probably don’t have an English Bulldog.
It’s no wonder that Muffin looks like she wants to give up. Her existence is a total fluke. Mine too, girl. I wasn’t exactly a planned event in my parents’ unmarried lives. It’s why I feel you so hard, probably.