My love for The Simpsons is like a tidal wave of emotions. I love them so much and I want the best for them. I’m still rooting for them. But admittedly, my favorite moments are from episodes long past. And my favorite characters aren’t really the most popular recurring ones. I picked my ten favorites and asked them how they felt about being on the list.
10. Troy McClure
“Hello, I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such blog posts as, ‘Stop Being Desperate and Start Being Delightful’ and ‘Ouch, That’s My Face!’ I’m honored to be included in Almie’s list of favorite characters, though I have no idea who she is. Hopefully you caught my performance in Planet of the Apes: The Musical that The New York times called, ‘a play’. It was my most challenging role, aside from being a husband. You’re no doubt reading this in my voice, and that’s a legacy that will live on forever.”
9. Superintendent Chalmers
“SKIIIIIINNNER! Why am I on this list? What’s a blog? Why is that kid eating paste? Put down those steamed hams and answer me!”
8. Mr. Burns
“Ahhh, yes, a blog, how delectable. I’ve had a blog in my day…what? Speak louder, Smithers. Oh. A bog? I’ve owned bogs in my days? What did I do with a bog? …ah, yes, the smothering. Oh, I remember it now. Those wonderful, mischievous days of my youth! Clara Bow and I would scamper around the town square without wearing shoes! Can you believe it? We practically looked like commoners. Oh, mother was a mess that day. Please go now, I’m tired and I find you boring.”
7. Abe Simpson
“Back when I was your age, we didn’t have blogs. We had parchment paper and we wrote on it in snail’s blood. You’d put the paper in your hat and deliver it yourself. We called them Hat Messages. You’d trade a turtle shell for a good stack of parchment paper. This was around the time we wore onions on our belts, which was the style at the time. Sometimes if your message was really good, you’d wear it in a top hat, and the mayor would greet you himself, he would. Where am I?”
6. Crazy Cat Lady
“BAAAHAHAHHHHHH WAAAHHHHHAAHHH!!!!! (meow)”
5. The guy who says, “YYYYEEEEEEESSSS?”
“OHHH? I’m on a BLOG? How DELIGHTFUL. When you asked me if I would participate I said, ‘YYYYEEEEEESSSS?’ and you asked if I was confirming and I said, ‘YYEEEESSSS!’ I had a stroke.”
4. Moe
“Aw, jeez, what is this? What, am I bein’ honored? Or all you all gonna make fun of me? Yeah, make fun of the bartender with the glass eye. Uh, I mean…glass…pie. Yeah, glass pie. What you never had a glass pie? Stop lookin’ at me like that. I don’t need your attitude. I’ll punch you so hard your face will look like the Grand Canyon. Oh, you like that one? Well, gee… thanks. It’s nice to be complimented, I don’t get it enough. Now get going, I don’t have time to sit around and talk to people who ain’t paying. What? I don’t! Okay, fine, I do. Who cares? Yeah, I care, you’re right. Please talk to me, I’m so lonely.”
3. Homer
“Blogs a what now? I don’t know what a blog is, do I have to put on pants? No? Woo-hoo! I dropped a sandwich in my shoe and then I put the shoe on and then Maggie cried. Anyway, I am pleased, honored and hungry to be included on your list of visionaries… oh… what this list for? Simpsons characters? Ewwww. Is that show still on?”
2. Ron Howard
“Hi dumbass. I can’t talk right now about your stupid list, I have to glue money onto other money so I can have super money. Bye!”
1. Lionel Hutz
“Hello! I’m Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. If you want to get out of a parking ticket, I’m your guy, because I want to know how to do that too! I’ve argued in front of a judge many times, and not just at Denny’s. If you don’t care about results, you want Lionel Hutz!”
Almost made the cut:
Shary Bobbins (“If you cut every corner you’ll have more time to play/It’s the American way!”)
Stupid Sexy Flanders (“It feels like I’m wearing nothing at all! Nothing at all! Nothing at all!”)
Principal Skinner (“No mother, it’s just the Northern Lights.”)
Edna Crabappel (“HAH!”)
Otto (“They call ‘em fingers but I don’t ever see ‘em fing.”)
Jasper (“Sidewalk’s for regular walking, not fancy walking.”)
Waylon Smithers (on Homer: “This man not only failed the aptitude test, he got trapped in a closet on the way out.”)
All images from Simpsons Wiki. If you liked this, check out Homer Simpson’s Top Ten Best Parenting Tips, Ten Things I Learned from King of the Hill, and Top Ten Biggest Jerks in Disney Films.
This is spot on!
I feel like Barney Gumble was under utilized. He’s friends with Linda Ronstadt!
This. Is. Brilliant!
You NAILED IT with Mr. Burns. These are great!
Where – is – President – Ralph!!!
C’mon, grouds keeper Willie didn’t even make the almost list but Sharry Bobbins did?lol. What about the dance he did in the park with the drum the day he saw her. “I’m a maniac maaaaniac thats for suuuuuuure!”
Cookie Kwan #1 on the West Side!
“Stupid Sexy Flanders (“It feels like I’m wearing nothing at all! Nothing at all! Nothing at all!””
i busted out laughing so loudly, my downstairs neighbor asked if i was ok.
“from Chimpan A to Chimpan Zee!”
What about Ralph!?
Sideshow Bob gets is #1 everytime.
Great list, but I would probably add Miiiiiiilhouse. Who could say no to his charming face?
no cletus the slack jawed yokel?
also this list is awesome.
Good call on Troy McClure. I totally heard his voice in my head when reading his words. Other men who have that power include: Morgan Freeman, Sean Connery and Patrick Stewart. Those dulcet vocals . Mmm. Sorry what?
No Ralph Wiggum? This list is hurty.
I think that the cutest + best character ever is, without any kind of doubt Ralph Wiggum
What about Dr. Nick??? “HIIIII EVERRRRYYYBOOODDDYYYY!”
“Worst List Ever!” – Comic Book Guy (for not including Comic Book Guy)
Maggie is always my favorite…maybe because she’s smarter than everyone thinks she is.
This was well written! Love the Simpsons.