My Mom, The Multivitamin Pusher

This is the story of a girl with thin hair. This girl is not me, don’t tell anyone that.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve called myself bald.

Okay, okay, there is plenty of hair on my head. I just don’t have that slow-motion, exit-the-pool, sexiness-thing down. I’m talking about that time-stopping hair flip–The other parts I got (trying not to ostracize all my suitors with this story. The story that’s not about me).

When my hair is wet I can easily be mistaken for a Chinese Crested pup. Or a 75 year old woman who’s never lived a day without stressing about the war. But I eat healthy, and I frequent yoga for exercise and relaxation. It’s just this thing I’ve always had to deal with. This ‘gotta check my bald spot’ at seventeen kinda thing.

I’m sharing this story of a girl that I met only once in my life, to show my mother’s justification of becoming a pusher. Of MULTIVITAMINS. “They’ll make your hair nicer.” It’s not even about the fact that I’m probably calcium deficient or haven’t had iron since I was a wee one. The hair. She knows it’s what’ll get me.

I loathe multivitamins. I seriously hate them. I want the benefits of them, but no matter the brand,they smell super weird, are way too large for any normal human to be able to swallow and they tend to get stuck in an area of the esophagus that makes me want to vomit for at least two hours post consumption. But it’ll make my hair look nice!

There are only so many solutions to my friend’s life long problem.

  1. Get a weave. But I don’t think I could pull it off, plus the idea of styling fake hair on my head makes me feel like a mortician.
  2. Suck it up and take multivitamins. Nothing would make me feel more like a failure in life. One of those women who absolutely disappoints the seven year old version of themselves they thought they’d be. Plus, that sounds like a lot of nausea.
  3. Stop talking to my Mom. That feels harsh. And she lives soo far away! MOMMMYY!
  4. Gummy multivitamins? OH. Uhhh. Hmmm.

So looks like we’ve found a moral y’all. If your mom or any other kind of pusher is insisting you do something solely for your own benefit and health, don’t fight it. Just find the gummy version of it and it probably won’t be as terrible. Meh, I guess I should get out to the pharmacy now. For my friend. I’ll let you know how luxurious my locks become! Her. I mean, her locks.

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