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My Lovely Lady Moustache

There are few things that I truly fear. The big ones are spiders and finding a dead person in the canal next to my house. But nothing on this earth can even come close to the slow burn horror I feel from my lady moustache growing back.

“Mo-mo”, naming it made it less scary, first appeared when I was 12. Staring in the mirror obsessively I convinced myself only I could see it, because only I was looking for it.

The day my mother threw a box of facial bleach through my bedroom door and yelled as she passed “Saw this, thought of you!”, made me realize that my little lady stache was, indeed, apparent to all.

So I bleached light brown Mo-mo into a blond acceptable Mi-mi. Winner! Then I discovered the joy of re-growth. It looked like I had given my moustache delicate little highlights.

For years I thought I was the only lady in the world who grew lady bumfluff. Until at a sleepover, at my friend Caroline’s house, her Mother returned home with a very swollen red upper lip. “Wax day stops Mum from turning into Dad,” Caroline informed me. After a fouled attempted with candle wax I demanded my Mum get me some hot wax from the pharmacy. Little fuzzy blonde lip be-gone.

However the wax unleashed a whole new world of horror. Stray hairs. That one hair, who decides to grow back early, seemingly in the middle of the day, the Black Ninja strand. For this beast I have an emergency pair of tweezers and an emergency-emergency pair, just in case I lose the other pair.

If there is anything in the entire world that can make you feel less feminine it is growing facial hair. However around 40% of women grow extra-facial hair (extra to eyebrows and lashes).

So if you do find your upper lip a little dark, don’t despair! You can grab the tweezers, bleach, wax or IPL if you want to rid yourself for good.  Or you could just leave it, I am unnaturally terrified of my lady mo, but if almost half of us are growing them, maybe they aren’t so scary, but just a normal, albeit annoying fact of life.

I would still trade mine for a bucket of spiders any day.

You can follow Hayley Dinnison on Twitter.

Feature image via Phillip Collier.

  • Nabeela Barry Ali

    I know that feel. I’ve my little whiskers all my life, even as a baby (though they were less visible). The downsides of being South Asian = a whole lotta hair. I had a similar hair-removing incident when i was 11 except it including my dad’s razor. Call it my ‘stache to make me feel better about it. It’s nice that ladies aren’t uncomfortable about talking it. By the way, I get mine threaded. Less redness and bumps.

  • Shane Mabrey

    I find it odd the obsession we have with body hair. If a girl has a stache or hairy pits or a hairy ring around her belly button, even hairy legs, it seems really gross and unattractive to me. No doubt I’ve bought in to the western ideals of beauty and I feel like society has done me a disservice. I love an unrealistic image of a woman that does not exist in reality. Is it any wonder marriages don’t last and people are so unhappy?

  • Liv Hyam

    the dreaded moustache! I will never forget when I began bleaching mine at around 14 and the boy I fancied said ‘why is your moustache blonde if you have brown hair?’….I nearly died…literally.
    Since then I have also carried around approximately 2 pairs of tweezers and constantly think about locating my nearest well-lit mirror. However annoying and time-consuming it may be, I am now happy in the knowledge that many of my friends share this issue and it ain’t no big deal! Even my boyfriend sees me plucking away. Fortunately, he’s Portuguese, so he sees it as a completely normal thing for girls to do!

  • Rachel Malkenhorst

    Mustache??? Try chin whiskers!!!

    • Hayley Dinnison

      Moustache is to the f-word what chin whiskers is to the c-word. A whole different insult and one that definitely deserves it’s own article. Especially since chin-whiskers aren’t even nice on men. Man-beard? Yes please! Man-whiskers? Ew.

  • Maryann Champer

    SAME! I have a phobia of spiders, literally.. i go to a therapist for it. and I am utterly scared of anyone noticing my mustache. I hate the in between stage of being able to wax it off. But the mustache, I can control.. its the stray chin whiskers that freak me out! My ex boyfriend used to make fun of me cause he knew how self conscious i was about my mustache and he said it wasn’t noticeable to anyone else but myself. Thats the only person that matters… if i see it, if i dont like it, then it has to go!

    • Hayley Dinnison

      I am glad that guy is your ex! Dude needs to learn how to treat a lady.

  • Anna Tong

    It seems that I am in good company here, seeing that I have the same fears and problems. I didn’t take notice of my hairlip until the 7th grade when a boy (bully!!) kept insisting that I just shave it off already. In front of a couple of other kids. Damn that ‘stache! I’d agree that threading does wonders but it always makes me cry like a baby.

    The endless list of things we have to worry about because we’re women…but I wouldn’t trade to be the other sex for a day. (Even if they’re allowed to be as hairy as they wanna be!)

    • Hayley Dinnison

      Boys are so mean. When I was in high school I kissed a guy playing spin the bottle. Afterwards he told everyone I was a great kisser, except for my bumfluff. Jerk.

      Agreed. I love my lady bits, wouldn’t trade them for the world.

  • Freya H Dub

    While I have yet to experience this, I do have two rogue hairs that grow out of the mole on the left side of my chin. I pluck regularly but sometimes I forget and feel the hairs while I’m out and OBSESS over it till I get my hands on tweezers.

    • Hayley Dinnison

      Being tweezerless is the WORST. I got stuck in an airport for two days recently and resorted to using two coins.

  • Hailey Page

    i know this feeling all too well, i have my own mo-mo and chinny hairs. i tried bleach but now use hair removing cream. its the laugh of my house, me walking around with my cream on my face, my sister and roommate often ask me to imitate hulk hogan and my mom and grandpa say its more of a burt reynolds resemblance if his stache was white

    • Hayley Dinnison

      You are my hero. I was way to scared to leave my room when bleaching. I didn’t want anyone to see! I am better about it now that I know it is a common thing. I wish I looked like Burt Reynolds… I probably look more like Kenny Powers.

  • Catrina Huskey

    I am forced to pluck mine out due to an unfortunate waxing incident that happened in my teens. I let my friend wax my stache and my sensitive skin did not approve. I had all these weird bumps on my upper lip and it looked like I had herpes.

    • Hayley Dinnison

      HaHA! Oh that sucks. I guess I am lucky (I don’t feel lucky) to have tough skin. I don’t get any bumps or anything from waxing. However, when I used bleach it would lighten my skin as well.
      Oh moustache, why you so mean?

  • Christina Boucher

    Incredibly relatable. 😀

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