There are few things that I truly fear. The big ones are spiders and finding a dead person in the canal next to my house. But nothing on this earth can even come close to the slow burn horror I feel from my lady moustache growing back.
“Mo-mo”, naming it made it less scary, first appeared when I was 12. Staring in the mirror obsessively I convinced myself only I could see it, because only I was looking for it.
The day my mother threw a box of facial bleach through my bedroom door and yelled as she passed “Saw this, thought of you!”, made me realize that my little lady stache was, indeed, apparent to all.
So I bleached light brown Mo-mo into a blond acceptable Mi-mi. Winner! Then I discovered the joy of re-growth. It looked like I had given my moustache delicate little highlights.
For years I thought I was the only lady in the world who grew lady bumfluff. Until at a sleepover, at my friend Caroline’s house, her Mother returned home with a very swollen red upper lip. “Wax day stops Mum from turning into Dad,” Caroline informed me. After a fouled attempted with candle wax I demanded my Mum get me some hot wax from the pharmacy. Little fuzzy blonde lip be-gone.
However the wax unleashed a whole new world of horror. Stray hairs. That one hair, who decides to grow back early, seemingly in the middle of the day, the Black Ninja strand. For this beast I have an emergency pair of tweezers and an emergency-emergency pair, just in case I lose the other pair.
If there is anything in the entire world that can make you feel less feminine it is growing facial hair. However around 40% of women grow extra-facial hair (extra to eyebrows and lashes).
So if you do find your upper lip a little dark, don’t despair! You can grab the tweezers, bleach, wax or IPL if you want to rid yourself for good. Or you could just leave it, I am unnaturally terrified of my lady mo, but if almost half of us are growing them, maybe they aren’t so scary, but just a normal, albeit annoying fact of life.
I would still trade mine for a bucket of spiders any day.
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Feature image via Phillip Collier.