There’s nothing better than a ragtag team of misfits showing the world who’s boss. At first you think, “This group of scamps is never going to be able to get it together!” But sure enough, through a lot of fighting, a little teamwork and several hilarious montage sequences, they manage to become champs!
They might not have the typical talents of champions – nor might they have the smarts or even the uniforms – but, by gum, they have heart. And everyone knows heart is all you need to make it in the world of sports. Just look at Rudy from Rudy.
Through many careful viewings of movies probably intended for children, I managed to figure out who I would want on my personal dream team of ragtag misfits. Let us keep in mind that I’m not necessarily looking for the most conventionally talented or skilled players, but those who are the ragtaggiest and the misfitttest. And my sport of choice? Unimportant, but probably baseball since there’s nine of these little champions.
So let’s get to it:
1. Goldberg the Goalie from The Mighty Ducks
Goldberg’s got it all – girth, width, heart and farts. He may not have started out as a stellar goalie, but by the end of the season he proves he can block a puck with the best of them. And I’m pretty sure he farts a lot, which would make me laugh a lot.
2. Becky “The Icebox” O’Shea from Little Giants
Becky is a leader and is tough as nails. But she’s no stranger to misfit-dom. She grapples with an identity crisis, momentarily transforming herself into a cheerleader before embracing her true strong lady self. She would be a great captain for any team.
3. Pippi Longstocking from Pippi Longstocking
I’m going with 1988 film Pippi, since that was the Pippi of my childhood. Pippi has a monkey and a horse at her disposal. She also has a lot of pirate gold, which would buy us all great post-game snacks. Not to mention that her dad is a Pirate King. Can you imagine the uproarious hijinks Pippi would get up to in the outfield? Picking up her horse instead of ground balls, throwing her monkey instead of the baseball – the mistaking of animals for baseballs for entertainment possibilities is endless.
4. Kevin from Home Alone
Kevin would be the king of the crazy trick play. He would use not only his wiles, but also violence and his Talkboy to everyone’s everlasting amusement.
5. Rolly from 101 Dalmatians
Rolly would remind us of the most important part of a sporting event – snacks. He would always be doing something zany like eating hot dogs when he should be catching fly balls. He might lose us runs, but he’d be so cute we’d probably thank him.
6. The fat kid from The Sandlot
He’s really great at trash-talking: “Count on it, pee-drinking crapface!”
He knows about s’mores: “First you take the graham, you stick the chocolate on the graham. Then you roast the ‘mallow. When the ‘mallows flaming… you stick it on the chocolate. Then cover with the other end. Then you scarf.”
He’s got it all. All I ask of him is that any time anything bad happens he say, “You’re killing me, Smalls!”
7. Matilda from Matilda
This chick can manipulate objects with her mind. ‘Nuff said. Actually – not ’nuff. She also loves books and I love books, so we’d totally talk about books in the off-season.
8. Euphengenia Doubtfire from Mrs. Doubtfire
Dude looks like a lady. If the woman can dance that well with a vacuum cleaner imagine what moves she’d pull on the infield. She’s the toughest old bird on the block and can pee standing up. And her face can get run over with no consequences.
9. Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Because every team needs a bitch. And she gets what she wants. Which would be a championship.
And just because, my two dream coaches for my team of ragtag misfits?
Co-Coaches Metta World Peace from the Lakers and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar from Airplane!
Metta to teach us to fight and to instill within us all a rage to win and Kareem – I mean Co-pilot Roger Murdock – from Airplane! so he could fly our plane if the pilot poops out when we go to away games.