My 13-year-old cousin forwards me a text message: “He still loves you, starting tonight he’s gonna show you more than evR but you have to send this to 9 girls – not me – go girl b4 you lose him.”
I freak out. Nine girls?! I don’t know nine girls! I mean I do, but not one of them would appreciate a mass text such as this. They’d probably find me crazy for even sending it. I have a boyfriend and I want him to show me that he loves me more than evR, but I might LOSE him if I don’t text this to NINE GIRLS!
I start making up phone numbers. At phone number three, I give up. I can’t even think of nine different phone number combinations. My cousin is RUINING my life!
My phone buzzes again: “ii LOVE YOU SO F*CKIN MUCH! Whoever ruins this will be single for 14 years. Send to NINE PEOPLE. L-O-V-E!”
What!?!??! I don’t want to be single for FOURTEEN years! I try to think of nine people I could send this message to, but I don’t love NINE people ‘SO F*CKIN MUCH’ that I would actually send this mass text.
I start to question my place in the world. My friends. My family. Who I’m close to, who I just consider acquaintances. Is it terrible that I’m really close to only three people? What do I need to do to gain more friends or more Twitter followers that want to exchange phone numbers? Do I need to care this much about these mass texts? Does my cousin even KNOW what she is doing to me!?!?
My phone buzzes for a third time: “U are in SO MUCH TROUBLE. Text this to 15 ppl, or you might DIE in 10 years.”
Okay, now I’m fearing for my LIFE. I don’t want to die in ten years! I have so much to offer that I haven’t even discovered yet. Fortunately, I know fifteen people to send this to, but I don’t want them to FREAK OUT like I just did if I send them this text!!!
My cousin must be psychic. These text messages didn’t just come from the SKY! She must be connected to some person that’s determining everyone’s fate!…But she can’t be THAT important! She wants to be a MYSPACE model! I didn’t even know that career existed! Why am I letting her decide who I send text messages to?
I give up. I fall asleep. I wake up and she’s texted me four more times. I text her that she is messing with MY MIND. She LOLs a text back. She texts me all the messages were “4REAL”. I text back that she is “CRAY CRAY”. She texts back that she is going to tell her mom. I text her, “Fine. Be like that. I don’t want to text with you anymore…or talk to you.” She texts,”But I wanted to visit you this summer!” I text back, “Damn! That’s right. Well, you can’t visit unless you stop texting me RIDIC things.” She agrees to stop.
My cousin visits and all she can do while she’s with me is text mass texts.
Such is life. One day, she’ll grow out of it. For now, I am accepting that she is a teenager and some teenagers do that stuff? I guess? Am I wrong? Tell me I’m wrong…I think my cousin is just an exception…right??? Right??? Am I right???