I was bullied as a kid. I went to a small artsy elementary school called “The Alternative School”, and from kindergarten through sixth grade, I was teased, humiliated, harassed, alienated and left out of everything normal and fun. It was mostly other girls who teased me, and occasionally the boys went along with it. But the girls were the worst. They made fun of my hair, my clothes, my weight, my lunchbox and my dimpled chin – anything they could. This was before the Internet, so luckily – save for a few prank phone calls – I was safe at home (gosh, if only HelloGiggles had existed in the ’80s!). My parents were good and supportive and tried to get me to change schools. Every year I convinced them it would be different and that people would be nicer and I would make friends.
It never happened. I spent seven years watching my back, crying at night, faking sick to stay home and relying on my imagination to act as my best friend. It was terrible, (as most things that build character usually are).
Everything changed in middle school. Well, I think there were two things that ultimately made a huge difference:
1. There were 200 new kids for me to be friends with – weird kids, just like me.
2. I developed breasts and with them, a little confidence.
This is the narrative I tell people as to how my bullying ended: Things just changed. I changed. From then on I had friends, boyfriends, was invited to parties, and had a relatively normal adolescence. College was pretty much the same. And even now, at 28 years old, I still generally feel pretty popular. I know that’s not the case for everyone this has happened to, and I do consider myself lucky. I’ve made up for lost time, and Facebook has helped me feel infinitely superior to lots of the girls who wasted their time trying to make my life miserable way back when (yes, I said that). And then one day out of the blue, I received this Facebook message. I blocked out her name and face because this isn’t really about her. It’s about bullies and the bullied. It’s about age and growing up and the experiences we have that make us regret the times we hurt other people.
This is a message every bullied kid should see. Everything Dan Savage and Lady Gaga say is true: it gets better. It gets better because whether you are gay or straight or skinny or fat or Jewish or atheist, or rich or poor, one day (if you want it) you will wake up in your beautiful New York City apartment, next to someone you love who loves you back – and some silly girl from your childhood will have sent you a Facebook message that is 20 years overdue. And if the experience of being bullied has taught you anything, you’re not really going to feel compelled to respond to her.
I mean, why bother? You’re likely going to feel compelled to forward the message to your family who took care of you all those years, because they deserve to see it. And maybe you’ll share it with your friends because they’ll get a kick out of it. And maybe you’ll use it for a blog post or an art piece or a song – you know, some talent you learned while you were isolated and didn’t have any friends for so long. You’ll put it to good use because even though your life is better now, you still have a bruise from where that chair was pulled out from under you all those years. It’s an empathetic muscle memory that reminds you of all the other kids who are still getting picked on every day, and how much it sucks to feel hated when you’re still trying to figure out who you are.
So much is being said about bullying right now – it’s in the movies, on TV, and working it’s way into the political discussion. When I was growing up, there was very little my teachers, the principle, or any administrative person could do to make it stop. For whatever reason, we all felt helpless in helping me. No kid should be made to feel like adults can’t help them. Believe me, kids who feel like they can’t ask for help generally become adults with trust issues.
As proud as I am that I got out, that I moved on and found confidence and happiness as an adult, I get teary-eyed and vomit-feeling whenever I think about all the little Caitlins in small towns all over the country who feel like the only friend they have is the salamander they found under a rock in their backyard. I wish there was a way for it to just end, but I know that half the problem is the adults who are bullies themselves, teaching their kids to be just as mean.
I guess this is the only thing I’d like to say to that woman who bullied me so many years ago: when you have kids, please don’t raise them to be little jerks. It’s the least you can do to make it up to all of us Caitlins out there.
Or sometimes the bullying can destroy you as a person and years later you still find yourself with the same self-esteem issues and insecurities because of the years and years of peer abuse. I went to a small private school from K-8 with the same people year after year. I would get made fun of mostly due to my weight. I would try to use humor to defuse the situation. Not unlike Fat Amy from that new movie coming out. Stop them in their tracks before they could get to it. Then they’d start to pity me because they felt I was needlessly making fun of myself. It was an unending cycle. I had breakdowns at school. Screamfests, cryfests. Then there was high school. I hid. I still hide to some extent. I’m 35 years old and still carry the non visible scars. I’m glad that some can bounce back so well. I wish you all the best.
This was beautiful! I really wish more people realized it truly gets better and school drama is NOTHING once you graduate. I had a very rocky existance growing up with a prosthetic leg. In elementary school I was pretty popular. Mainly, everyone thought it was the coolest thing. But then in middle school, ALL through middle school, I was made fun of very terribly. Girls would run to get in front of me, and then start wobbling and limping. And gym class… Ugh. Well for high school I moved and it wasnt so bad, I sort of laid low and just enjoyed my few friends. Now, 3 years after graduating, I look back on everything and just shrug. I can’t remember half of those people’s names. Although one did apologize to me right after high school over facebook and I really had nothing to say. I wasnt mad, or resentful, but I also felt no moment of ahh and justice like I expected. It was the equivalent of some stranger apologizing for accidentally bumping their cart into mine at the grocery store. It was so miniscule to me now. I am happy and my conscience is clear. If apologizing is what they needed to achieve that well then all the better for them I guess. look back on everything now and if anything I am just upset with myself for thinking that those girls mattered and I gave them the attention they wanted. I wasted valuable time and energy I could have put towards my happiness like I have learned to do now.
Also, can I just say that I love this line: ” It was terrible, (as most things that build character usually are).”
Caitlin, I loved this. I was in a similar situation. A group of girls a little older than I was gave me such hell in middle school and the beginning of high school. It was a couple years later when I was a junior that one of them came through my line at the grocery store where I worked and apologized! I wish I could have told my younger how much better things would get
! I’m glad to see there’s more awareness about it recently. Thanks for sharing your story. <3
I’m crying right now.
So did you respond from her? I wonder if I’ll ever get any messages like these and if they’ll even matter to me by then… Honestly I think the people who should be writing those apologies don’t even remember what they did. I’m pretty impressed with the bully — I’m wondering if even 20 years ago she knew what she was doing was wrong, and while you were able to move on and lead an amazing life, it has bothered and held her back all those years.
respond TO* her
I feel comforted just knowing that someone, somewhere knows how I felt. I was always acting different, always trying to hard to fit in, and they didn’t like that. And although I don’t hold it against those girls that bullied me, destroyed me, put me down, It left scars that time will never heal. It stopped through middle school, but it came up again in High School. I now suffer from Social Phobia, and i find it difficult to maintain relationships, or make new friends. I am disappointed to say that for some time I saw myself in the same tainted way that they saw me, I go to therapy. Its helping, and now I honestly want to thank them, because I am learning to be strong, a better person with a kind and giving heart. But I’ve always felt like a broken toy, an outcast. I went through it alone, because I never had the courage to tell my parents or teachers. I told them 10 years later.. Thank you for your comforting and inspiring words. I hope one day, people will learn to get along. I have hope that one day, I can learn to let go. And learn to forgive those who never asked for forgiveness. Ive learned that life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology that you never got, and in three words i can sum up what I know about life, It goes on. And I can’t just sit here and let the world pass me by. I am grateful for what happened, and I am grateful for this burden i carry, because one day, if I can help even one little girl going through what I did and have the wisdom and insight that I never got to help her through it. It will have been worth while.
Thanks again Caitlin, you are such an inspiration to me.
Dear Caitlin, what you just wrote is absolutely brilliant! I’ve never experienced bullying on any level but I can imagine what kind of an impact it has on ones life!
I’m sure that this post will bring hope to a lot of people. I think you are a very inspiring person. I wish you the best.
xoxo a big fan of your writing!
Thank you SO much for writing this article! It doesn’t matter if the person who bullied you apologized years later, at least, she did it.
I was bullied when I was 6 years old. A schoolmate strangled me with strings you put on gloved so you don’t lose them. He did that for months, and people could see it. It ended, and I was relieved when it did.
I’m glad to see that many people finally speak up. It’s not an easy thing to do, but once you’ve done it, you’re glad you did. It can help many peers of yours.
Bullying leave us nowhere, It makes people feel unsafe and many of them commit suicide because they cannot find a solution, or they’re too shy to speak up.
Last year, I wrote an article regarding bullying. Here is the link. I hope people will read it: http://ilovernb1.tumblr.com/post/7311335825/no-to-bullying
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