Over the years, my mom has sent me emails with the most eye-catching, or most boring subject lines. Lots of stuff about cats and “things”. Some could be considered good song titles. So, I made them into ten second songs…
‘Why Didn’t You Pick Up Your Things?’
Why didn’t you pick up your things?/Don’t you have any decency?/Clothes on the floor/Are you a whore?/Whoops, that was really wrong of me
‘Are You Giving Me a Ride to the Airport?’
Are you giving me a ride to the airport?/I’ve asked you ten times already/Why don’t you answer my calls even though I know we’re not going steady?
‘Just So You Know, There Was a Black Holocaust’
There was a black holocaust/In addition to a Jewish one/ We just call it slavery/Which was really scary
‘Beware of Identity Theft This Easter’
Beware of identity theft this Easter/ Someone might try to steal all the colorful eggs away/Especially that no-good Bunny Fufu/He has no friends with which to play
‘Polar Bear Attacks a Human’
Polar bear attacks a human/I wonder why?/Maybe humans taste good?/Or he just wanted you to die?
‘I Need Help’
I need help/Not like in the Beatles song/I just want the self-car wash to wash my car/But the water pump is too far
‘Things’
You have things/Get them out of my house/Or else I’ll send you another email about them
‘The Things’
Look, I sent you another email about your things/Get them out of my house/How many times do I need to reiterate myself?/Am I a mouse?/I know I’m not but you sure treat me like one
‘Sweaters’
Sweaters are warm/But not as warm as you/You’re as toasty as toast/Like a heater from Home Depot/Gosh, that’s cute that I said that because I love Home Depot, especially their curtains section
‘Hospital Cot’
Hospital Cot/You’re so uncomfortable/Why did I use you as the bed for my daughter’s sleepover guests?
‘I Hope You Were the One That Picked Up The Pilates Video Because The Gardener Came By’
I hope you were the one that picked up the pilates video because the gardener came by /And he might like pilates/Yes gardeners like things outside of mowing the lawn
‘Wanna Buy a New Car?’
Wanna buy a new car?/This one is actually used/But what do you have to lose?/It has good suspension/Only 120,000 miles!
‘Please Call’
Please call/Your phone is going directly to the message machine/Am I going to have to put you on speed dial till you pick up?
‘I Don’t Think Your Father Has Parkinson’s’
I don’t think your father has Parkinson’s/Shaking hands can mean something else/Like it could be a tick?/Or what about nerve damage?/Oh, that is like Parkinson’s, sorta…
‘Where Is My Black Sweater?’
Where is my black sweater? /I know you lent it to your friend/She is a terrible girl/So I don’t want her wearing my personal things
‘First Period. Hysterical’
First period/It was a mess/Don’t worry, I’m referring to an educational class I took in seventh grade/I believe it was mathematics
‘Purse’
Purse/I want an expensive one/Like one from Burberry/Don’t you have money to get me one?/Of course not/You have a low paying job/Why didn’t I ever force you to become an engineer?
‘Downsizing’
Downsizing/So you can forget buying me useless things/Like all those erasers from Hello Kitty/Don’t amount to anything
‘My Glasses/Lasik Surgery’
My glasses are the size of elephants/I need Lasik surgery pronto/So I can go out with a guy named Sonto/Haha kidding, there is no guy is named that, even in Europe (I checked, trust me)
‘My Glasses/Addendum’
Give me back my glasses/If you don’t give them back to me, I’ll figure out something terrible to do to you/Like give you my bill for Lasik surgery
‘The Last Straw’
When we went out to get milkshakes/You took the last straw/How symbolic of our crumbling relationship/Look a crow!/Caw Caw
‘Is The Cat Thing Going to Happen Or Are You Going to Let Me Down?’
Are we getting these cats or are you letting me down?/Don’t make me frown/I’m not in the mood/I just want a cat to squeeze/But not so that it bleeds…(because that would get messy and I’d need some carpet cleaner)
‘Your Implant’
Your implant is not a boob/It’s actually a tooth/Maybe you should get some extra boob though?/It wouldn’t hurt/(I wish I put you in a training bra early. Victoria’s Secret told me I made a mistake letting your chest flail around)
‘Cats and Your Father’
The cats don’t like your father/Please take them away/I thought I loved them/But they’re ruining our stay
‘Getting Rid of Cats’
Gave the cat to the FedEx guy/He’s mailing it to your Aunt Thorn/Now your furniture won’t be torn!
‘Several Things’
First we had “things”/ Then “the things”/Now just have “several things”/Maybe “one, two, three, or four things”/Get your “things” out of my house
‘You Have Mail. I Left It On The Table Outside’
You have mail/It might be the holy grail/Who cares though?/I left it on the table outside/Rain Rain Rain/I hope it blows it away/Next time it’ll teach you to pick up your “things”
What is it with moms’ obsession for having their kids’ things out of the house the second they move out?!
I really like the last line of “Purse.” So my mom too.
Hahahahahaha. Such a FAN
Loved to read this!!!! Hilarious and sweet awwwwww
My mom chooses the dramatic route. We live in different countries so every time I open my inbox and read subject lines such as “You will never believe what has just happened” and “Sad day”, my heart is pounding in my chest until I find out she wants to tell me about the cousin who is unmarried, pregnant and doesn’t know who the daddy is (always very slutty and irresponsible so no surprise there) or the vintage shop whose doors are closing.
Oh, and she “signs” her voicemail messages to me. [Robotic voice] “I have been trying to call you. Please call me as soon as you get this message. Love, Mom”[end Robotic voice]