Over the years, my mom has sent me emails with the most eye-catching, or most boring subject lines. Lots of stuff about cats and “things”. Some could be considered good song titles. So, I made them into ten second songs…
‘Why Didn’t You Pick Up Your Things?’
Why didn’t you pick up your things?/Don’t you have any decency?/Clothes on the floor/Are you a whore?/Whoops, that was really wrong of me
‘Are You Giving Me a Ride to the Airport?’
Are you giving me a ride to the airport?/I’ve asked you ten times already/Why don’t you answer my calls even though I know we’re not going steady?
‘Just So You Know, There Was a Black Holocaust’
There was a black holocaust/In addition to a Jewish one/ We just call it slavery/Which was really scary
‘Beware of Identity Theft This Easter’
Beware of identity theft this Easter/ Someone might try to steal all the colorful eggs away/Especially that no-good Bunny Fufu/He has no friends with which to play
‘Polar Bear Attacks a Human’
Polar bear attacks a human/I wonder why?/Maybe humans taste good?/Or he just wanted you to die?
‘I Need Help’
I need help/Not like in the Beatles song/I just want the self-car wash to wash my car/But the water pump is too far
You have things/Get them out of my house/Or else I’ll send you another email about them
Look, I sent you another email about your things/Get them out of my house/How many times do I need to reiterate myself?/Am I a mouse?/I know I’m not but you sure treat me like one
Sweaters are warm/But not as warm as you/You’re as toasty as toast/Like a heater from Home Depot/Gosh, that’s cute that I said that because I love Home Depot, especially their curtains section
Hospital Cot/You’re so uncomfortable/Why did I use you as the bed for my daughter’s sleepover guests?
‘I Hope You Were the One That Picked Up The Pilates Video Because The Gardener Came By’
I hope you were the one that picked up the pilates video because the gardener came by /And he might like pilates/Yes gardeners like things outside of mowing the lawn
‘Wanna Buy a New Car?’
Wanna buy a new car?/This one is actually used/But what do you have to lose?/It has good suspension/Only 120,000 miles!
Please call/Your phone is going directly to the message machine/Am I going to have to put you on speed dial till you pick up?
‘I Don’t Think Your Father Has Parkinson’s’
I don’t think your father has Parkinson’s/Shaking hands can mean something else/Like it could be a tick?/Or what about nerve damage?/Oh, that is like Parkinson’s, sorta…
‘Where Is My Black Sweater?’
Where is my black sweater? /I know you lent it to your friend/She is a terrible girl/So I don’t want her wearing my personal things
‘First Period. Hysterical’
First period/It was a mess/Don’t worry, I’m referring to an educational class I took in seventh grade/I believe it was mathematics
Purse/I want an expensive one/Like one from Burberry/Don’t you have money to get me one?/Of course not/You have a low paying job/Why didn’t I ever force you to become an engineer?
Downsizing/So you can forget buying me useless things/Like all those erasers from Hello Kitty/Don’t amount to anything
‘My Glasses/Lasik Surgery’
My glasses are the size of elephants/I need Lasik surgery pronto/So I can go out with a guy named Sonto/Haha kidding, there is no guy is named that, even in Europe (I checked, trust me)
Give me back my glasses/If you don’t give them back to me, I’ll figure out something terrible to do to you/Like give you my bill for Lasik surgery
‘The Last Straw’
When we went out to get milkshakes/You took the last straw/How symbolic of our crumbling relationship/Look a crow!/Caw Caw
‘Is The Cat Thing Going to Happen Or Are You Going to Let Me Down?’
Are we getting these cats or are you letting me down?/Don’t make me frown/I’m not in the mood/I just want a cat to squeeze/But not so that it bleeds…(because that would get messy and I’d need some carpet cleaner)
Your implant is not a boob/It’s actually a tooth/Maybe you should get some extra boob though?/It wouldn’t hurt/(I wish I put you in a training bra early. Victoria’s Secret told me I made a mistake letting your chest flail around)
‘Cats and Your Father’
The cats don’t like your father/Please take them away/I thought I loved them/But they’re ruining our stay
‘Getting Rid of Cats’
Gave the cat to the FedEx guy/He’s mailing it to your Aunt Thorn/Now your furniture won’t be torn!
First we had “things”/ Then “the things”/Now just have “several things”/Maybe “one, two, three, or four things”/Get your “things” out of my house
‘You Have Mail. I Left It On The Table Outside’
You have mail/It might be the holy grail/Who cares though?/I left it on the table outside/Rain Rain Rain/I hope it blows it away/Next time it’ll teach you to pick up your “things”