Hey U.S. Government, quit being such a bunch of narcissistic bipeds, going around telling people we don’t exist. It’s insulting and unbecoming, and as women in perpetual states of semi-undress, we know becoming versus unbecoming when we see it. Your so-called ‘study’—’Debunking the Mythic Mermaid’—is a load of canned tuna, and we don’t appreciate it. You think that just because you think we’re non-existent, that we wouldn’t hear about it? You think just because we live below sea level, you guys can talk smack about us and we won’t catch wind? Well, we’ve got news for all you ten-toed bureaucratic know-it-alls: Sound travels faster underwater. And if you’d spent less time picking your nose and wiping it under your sixth grade desks during Earth Science, you’d remember this, and have seen it coming. We have heard everything.
We heard your half-baked logic that ‘aquatic humanoids’ is an evolutionary term that sounds silly to say out loud and should thus be removed from textbooks. We heard you made a list of ‘The Ten Weirdest Fish in the Ocean,’ and so did the fish. Neither of us were amused. We overheard 63% of your staff order salmon at last year’s gala (seriously, not cool), and duly noted where your true loyalties lie. We even heard those pretentious ‘Little Mermaid’ quips you all made at the recent staff meeting regarding our possession of ‘gadgets and gizmos aplenty’. Not only did we not get the joke, but we won’t be forgetting it anytime soon. You guys picked the wrong aquatic humanoids to cross. Have you not seen ‘Pirates of the Caribbean III? Mermaids can seriously hold a grudge.
Who died and made YOU Poseidon? You guys really have to get off your high sea-horse and start walking around on those two legs you think so highly of. Because trust us. We could beat you, any day, on sidesaddle and look a lot better doing it. No offense.
Our Terms & Conditions
1. That an official redaction be forthcoming by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) for their slanderous report, complete with a groveling apology and a year’s supply of waterproof cameras.
2. That Mermaids from 3 of the world’s 4 Oceans be granted voting rights in all non- landlocked Nations. Those harpies in the Indian Ocean can fight their own battles: they don’t deserve squat.
3. That a voting booth for aforementioned elections be erected nearby the water’s edge.
4. That transportation to said voting booths be provided. Wheelbarrows filled with water will suffice.
5. That Atlantis be welcomed as an official Member State in the General Assembly at the United Nations, with our representation seated between Armenia and Australia.
6. That Atlantis be allowed—nay, invited—to join NATO.
7. That a ban on the word FISHY be passed as an olfactory description, as well as all similarly negative connotations relating to the scent of oceanic life, as it is personally and politically offensive to the underwater world.
8. That our Pro-Global Warming stance be accepted as a legitimate viewpoint in the global discourse, since the melting of polar ice caps would obviously serve to expand our aquatic territories.
9. That feminist organizations not attempt to replace the term ‘Mermaid’ with ‘Merperson,’ the Mermen of Atlantis are misogynistic couch potatoes with an affinity for those Indian Ocean home-wreckers and spend all day watching reality TV on Hulu.
10. That the U.S. stop declaring who has rights as a person, and who doesn’t. Seriously, guys. It’s messed up.
11. That all tweets posted by ‘Mermaid Suffragette’ at the handle twitter.com/mermaidsuffrage be promptly retweeted by the following organizations: NOAA, CEDAW, WHO, UNICEF, INSTRAW, ECOSOC, ESPN, UNW, UPEACE, UNEP, YWCA, YMCA, IBRD and SPEW.
12. That President Obama follow us on instagram.
13. That our tailfins not be referred to as a terrestrial impediment. We prefer the term land-locomotively challenged.
14. That we reject the premise Disney’s lyrics put forth, describing our alleged ownership of ‘hoozits and whatsits galore,’ and would only consent to accept them after a clarification of these terms. We’re pretty sure ‘hoozits’ isn’t actually a word.
By Courtney Kampa
Feature image via.