Guys, have I told you guys about Fern???? Fern Horowitz is my alter ego: an old-timey entertainment manager who really believes in her clients. Sometimes I find myself freaking people out when I passionately state things like, “Did you see Samantha Who last night? That Barry Watson is A STAR.” If you don’t get my passion then I guess you will never work in this town or something. But seriously, when Fern believes in you, she believes in you, ya know?
A few months ago I was over at a friend’s house and I don’t know how this came up (I can’t promise I was sober) but I suddenly felt like the world needed to see Jamie Lynn Sigler on a sitcom. Well, Fern did, anyway. I personally have never even seen an episode of The Sopranos. I’m not proud of that, just stating the facts. But Fern felt in her heart of hearts that Jamie needed to be seen. How could I make this happen? It seemed impossible, mostly because I am not only NOT an manager but also because I don’t actually know Jamie. My friends mocked my ambitious request of making Jamie a star but little did they know that what Fern wants, Fern gets.
I took to the 2011 version of stalking (Facebook is for like, foreign cousins or something. No one cares anymore!) and I went to Twitter. I twittered Jamie, “Fern thinks you are a star”. Do you know what my sweet sweet future client said? She said, “Thanks to you and Fern”. Jamie, clearly thinking that she had one of her creepy Meadow Soprano fans on hand, must have been terrified. Like, who even types things like “you are a star”? I might as well have said, “If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.”
But in the “biz” you have to be direct. That’s how us Hollywood legends work. Time passed after our mild Twitter interaction. I would over the next few months, in hearing all the pilot pickups and movie announcements, think “WHERE IS JAMIE IN ALL THIS”? I was starting to get worried and would imagine myself angrily confronting her “team” about her career and how this was just unacceptable. Guys, I didn’t say I was sane but Fern was convinced that Jamie was the next Sarah Chalke . If that doesn’t mean anything to you, then you mean nothing to me. Just kidding. Sarah Chalke is a total baller who probably makes millions of dollars from being on TV but still gets the blessing of not being so famous that she can’t go to Farmers Market without wearing big hippie glasses.
Here’s where the story gets good, like some big Hollywood style twist. Last night I went to a friend’s bag launch Donatienne. I swear I had no idea that Jamie Lynn Sigler HERSELF was the face of the bag. I mean, Fern really dropped the ball here – I wasn’t even prepared. Word got around at the party that I was a huge fan and, rather than presenting me with a restraining order, someone felt that we should meet. And oh, did we meet. I am pretty sure I scared her at least 3 times. I basically almost cried because I believe in her so much. I don’t know why or how this happened, really. I am sort of worried that in a past life she was my daughter that I was never able to express love to and now I am trying to make up for it. I didn’t tell her THAT guys, I am not a full crazy, I will just write it out to all of you. I told Jamie several times how she needed to keep her head up and just know that someday very soon she would be a TV star and that I would be there smiling there, knowing the truth all along.
GUYS, watch out for the adventures of Fern and Jamie, they are ride or die kind of gals.
Image courtesy of Donatienne Designs look book
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I met that lady in the top picture in Cuba last winter. She charges one dollar per photo with her and her friends, but nothing to sit and smoke a cigar and visit with her.
She should be on a sitcom; FERN is smart. I didn’t watch The Sopranos often, but I read her book in high school and became a fan. Then I went to an event to meet her when she was doing something with the National Eating Disorders Association and it was at a nightclub but I was only 16 so I didn’t know if I could go and I e-mailed the person in charge and she said yes. Jamie was really sweet; she signed things for me and we talked about how I was going to take acting classes at the place she used to, and when I was leaving she stopped me to say goodbye. Very cool night. And then I wrote about it for the school paper, haha.
Tell FERN that I’d like to audition for a spot on her roster!
FERN!!!!!
Remember when she released an album? I can’t find the music video on YouTube but I remember it being in a sorority house. Pretty sure I downloaded her single from Napster…
Yes! I still have the CD on my iTunes, lol.
I thought it said “Jamie Lynn Spears” and I had my doubts about you, Rossi. Or rather, about Fern. But I suppose you’re still legit. For now.
Do you mean FERN?