The Heatley Cliff

Martha Stewart Might Be An Alien

Martha Stewart is not perfect. She has, after all, been to prison. But besides that glaringly obvious black mark on her reputation, she is so remarkable that I have a hard time wrapping my head around it. I have tried to find an explanation for how one human being can be so exceptional at SO MANY things. I have racked my brain and can only come up with the notion that she has either a.) had her chromosomes altered Jason Bourne style or b.) is not of this earth  (if you know what I’m sayin’).

Let’s start with the fact that she was born into a seemingly average household with many siblings… in New Jersey. Her parents were middle class, so it’s not like she grew up in a place like The Heatley Cliff where she could hone all her crafy, homemaking, world domination skills. Her mother cooked, her father gardened, her grandparents canned fruit. Am I the only one that doesn’t think it’s odd that she turned what she learned from them into a billion dollar empire?

Martha went to the prestigious Barnard University, where apparently one major wasn’t enough for her. She double majored in History and Architectural History. One would think that she might have been mousy or bookish or nerdy. Oh no, to help put herself through school, she was a model! Brilliant and Beautiful, sure that happens all the time.

Martha married an ivy league educated lawyer and then decided, because it was the ’60s after all, that she should have a baby. With that checked off the list, she and her husband bought a dilapidated house and restored it themselves. Bored, I suppose, with redoing a home and raising a baby, ambitious Martha started a catering company in her basement. By that time, her lawyer-husband conveniently was not a lawyer but rather the president of a publishing company. All of a sudden, Martha writes a book on entertaining. Then she writes a whole bunch more books and suddenly, with the help of a business partner, she launched Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia in the ’90s – and her own magazine.

There is nothing Martha doesn’t have her hand in. Television, furniture, books, crafts, entertaining… even a line of custom homes. Her brief stint in prison was only a stumbling block. It couldn’t even make a dent in her crown as domestic queen of the universe. She paints, she sews, she cooks, she takes gorgeous photos, she bakes, she blogs, she designs, she decorates, she throws amazing parties, she gardens, she can seemingly identify every flower and plant on earth, she grows her own food from seeds, she has impeccable taste, she rides horses, she has stables that are nicer than most peoples homes, she knits, she crochets, she employs hundreds of people, she is 71! Did you know that? I bet you didn’t because she doesn’t look 71 because she obviously isn’t human.

She also admits that she does not sleep for more than two or three hours a night. How is that even possible?

Look, I don’t believe that she was put here for any nefarious purpose. It’s not like she’s planning any kind of attack or anything. Why bother? She pretty much dominates the world already (okay, maybe it’s only my world). I think it was probably more like her parents were visiting earth and she was accidentally left behind as a baby. But even as a baby, she was smarter than the average human so she walked to the nearest house she could find and mind melded with the Kostrya family until they believed she was hers. She was a baby, what was she going to do? Get a job?

Or maybe she is a pod person. I don’t know.

Either way, love her or hate her (I love her), you have to admire her. This week on the Heatley Cliff, we are talking about being a great hostess. We try, we really do. But even with our amazing staff, I just don’t think we’ll ever live up to Martha.

Long live and prosper.