I have red hair. Please don’t stop reading this. Last week, my breed turned a unanimous shade of deep purple when the world’s largest sperm bank announced that they would no longer be accepting donations from redheads. According to “research” women are afraid of being basted with this:
I get it. Unless the coarse orange tufts happen to be growing on a prince named Harry, the prospect of procreating with a ginger male can be TERRIFYING. Something about the translucent skin, the smell of buttermilk and the crippling fear of ginger pubes has caused women to run from the fiery crotches of redheaded men worldwide. But does this really apply to a petri dish labeled ‘O’Toole’ at the sperm bank?
With the ginger peoples dying out faster than harem pants, I feel a biological duty to save my race. One blog post at a time. So I present to you, momentarily confused sperm-bank ladies, five reasons to give birth to a ginger child.
1. RUPERT GRINT
When having a child, the first thing on any selfless parent’s mind should always be ”What can my kid do for me?” How about make you $50 MILLION DOLLARS? For doing s**t with wizards.
Sorry angry Potter fans, I know Rupert Grint is a genius and a god and totally a serious actor now…
All I’m saying is that a pasty, freckly, ginger child may be death on the playground but is SOLID GOLD in the world of child acting. Of course, your kid won’t have a chance at a lead role, but parts like “the quirky best friend”, “student number 3” or “unattractive cheerleader” are abundant. Trust me, I auditioned for all of them.
2. LINDSAY LOHAN
Remember her? No? The adorably precocious twins in The Parent Trap? The loveable teen rocker in Freaky Friday? The sassy race car driver in Herbie: Fully Loaded?
Still nothing?
Maybe this will help jog your memory:
Yes, things were a whole lot more Disney and a whole lot less House Arresty before she went blonde. Think about it.
3. CARROT TOP
Are you finished looking away? Great. Let it be known that your ginger child will be picked on, they will be tormented, they will be called ‘Period Head’ by Lydia Malone at recess. But because of that, they will learn to develop other, far more important life skills like being funny or somehow convincing middle-America that prop comedy is funny. Either way, the odds of a Vegas show are high.
4. CHRISTINA HENDRICKS
Not all redheaded children turn to hard alcohol and steroids… your child could grow up to be named ‘The Sexiest Woman Alive”! For the record, I don’t know if Christina Hendricks is a natural redhead. Then again, I’ve never really been looking at her hair.
5. SHAUN WHITE
Who said redheads can’t be athletes? Other than my sixth-grade gym teacher? “The Flying Tomato” is living proof that your ginger child could have superhuman athletic ability and a derogatory nickname! With two gold medals and a necklace he borrowed from a lesbian in Santa Fe, Shaun White has the most decorated bed of ginger chest hair in American history. And your little ginge could too!
So take that “scientific research”. Five sweet, talented, athletic, booby, flaming reasons to pro-create with a redhead. And when I win a Nobel Peace prize for this, you will have six.
I am a redhead married to a redhead and we have two redheads together and he has two redheads with his first wife. We are so blessed to have red hair! Our children are all smart and gorgeous with great athletic ability and an ability to shine like no others! I was teased when I was in grade school, but my natural, confident, fun personality along with a mane of curly red hair won out the teasers and I was very popular and never lacked for friends or boyfriends. I hope my daughters are lucky and have redheads too!
jessica chastain is a great up and coming actress who is also a redhead
To add to the sexy red head list-
Karen Gillan- British actress on Doctor Who and a natural ginge. Some would say the ultimate ginge.
Lily Cole- British model and actress. Just STUNNING.
I agree, Karen Gillan is gorgeous!! Another gorgeous natural ginger actress that comes to my mind would have to be Jane Asher. Although she was popular way back in the 60′s (and the girlfriend of Paul McCartney, also one of the most admired of Beatle girlfriends) her beauty then and now is undeniable.
Natural red head right here, all my traits are recessive! Grew up hating my hair color, now I have haters wishing they had my hair. About time we got noticed. Maybe the ban on read headed sperm just means we’re naturally giving. I would have a red headed child in a heartbeat. There are too many dark haired people we need more color.
major crush on all red-heads. i would dye my hair that color, if i didn’t have this weird skin tone. *fingers crossed my future husband brings in some good red, genes*
I dye my hair red, and love red hair! Not to mention one point you forgot- The Doctor always wanted to be a redhead, and now his companion is one!
Still looking for my perfecct ginger man. In the mean time, Clairol is getting a ton of my money from dying my own locks red.
Also, Christina Hendricks is NOT a natural redhead.
HUGE ginger fan. Doin’ a personal photo project on them as we speak. love this.
Christina Hendricks, as well as another famous up-and-coming redhead, Emma Stone, are both naturally blonde. BUT if these two lovely ladies are dying (get it?? ok, lame, I know) to be redheads, that’s still a win for the ginger community
yay! I love Jessi!! I’m so glad you posted for HelloGiggles!!!!
Please post more:).
-jessica
Love this! Proud redhead here. If I ran that sperm bank there’d be no redhead sperm either, because I’d been stealing it and hoarding it for when I create my super race.
Rupert Grint <3
We redheads get a bum rap, man. Love this post!
Check out Tim Minchin’s song, ” Prejudice .” It’s it’s a funny and amazing about being a ginger.
I’m blonde but I dye my hair to red, I really love redheads, my boyfriend is redhead and I really hope to have a redhead child. And if my boyfriend break up with me someday, I promis you I’ll go to a sperm bank.
I can´t understand what´s so ludicrous about ginger hair
I have (dyed) red hair myself but I´d give my right arm to be a natural redhead (I´m a lefty anyway) and this haircolour is really popular in Europe (I´m from Germany) 
As a ginger, I applaud this article and its message.
Especially the part about Rupert Grint.
Rupert supports this also: http://weheartit.com/entry/13639903
I don’t have a problem with redheads! I didn’t know that the prejudice was so widespread! Sad. . . . Unfortunately I can’t help much with the procreation of more redheads, because my brown everything just takes over.
Christina Hendricks is reportedly a natural blonde.
I happen to have a thing for redheads… I don’t know why, but I agree with Victoria on the ridiculously attractive thing.