I have red hair. Please don’t stop reading this. Last week, my breed turned a unanimous shade of deep purple when the world’s largest sperm bank announced that they would no longer be accepting donations from redheads. According to “research” women are afraid of being basted with this:
I get it. Unless the coarse orange tufts happen to be growing on a prince named Harry, the prospect of procreating with a ginger male can be TERRIFYING. Something about the translucent skin, the smell of buttermilk and the crippling fear of ginger pubes has caused women to run from the fiery crotches of redheaded men worldwide. But does this really apply to a petri dish labeled ‘O’Toole’ at the sperm bank?
With the ginger peoples dying out faster than harem pants, I feel a biological duty to save my race. One blog post at a time. So I present to you, momentarily confused sperm-bank ladies, five reasons to give birth to a ginger child.
1. RUPERT GRINT
When having a child, the first thing on any selfless parent’s mind should always be ”What can my kid do for me?” How about make you $50 MILLION DOLLARS? For doing s**t with wizards.
Sorry angry Potter fans, I know Rupert Grint is a genius and a god and totally a serious actor now…
All I’m saying is that a pasty, freckly, ginger child may be death on the playground but is SOLID GOLD in the world of child acting. Of course, your kid won’t have a chance at a lead role, but parts like “the quirky best friend”, “student number 3” or “unattractive cheerleader” are abundant. Trust me, I auditioned for all of them.
2. LINDSAY LOHAN
Remember her? No? The adorably precocious twins in The Parent Trap? The loveable teen rocker in Freaky Friday? The sassy race car driver in Herbie: Fully Loaded?
Maybe this will help jog your memory:
Yes, things were a whole lot more Disney and a whole lot less House Arresty before she went blonde. Think about it.
3. CARROT TOP
Are you finished looking away? Great. Let it be known that your ginger child will be picked on, they will be tormented, they will be called ‘Period Head’ by Lydia Malone at recess. But because of that, they will learn to develop other, far more important life skills like being funny or somehow convincing middle-America that prop comedy is funny. Either way, the odds of a Vegas show are high.
4. CHRISTINA HENDRICKS
Not all redheaded children turn to hard alcohol and steroids… your child could grow up to be named ‘The Sexiest Woman Alive”! For the record, I don’t know if Christina Hendricks is a natural redhead. Then again, I’ve never really been looking at her hair.
5. SHAUN WHITE
Who said redheads can’t be athletes? Other than my sixth-grade gym teacher? “The Flying Tomato” is living proof that your ginger child could have superhuman athletic ability and a derogatory nickname! With two gold medals and a necklace he borrowed from a lesbian in Santa Fe, Shaun White has the most decorated bed of ginger chest hair in American history. And your little ginge could too!
So take that “scientific research”. Five sweet, talented, athletic, booby, flaming reasons to pro-create with a redhead. And when I win a Nobel Peace prize for this, you will have six.