Broke and Single

Madam, Are you Aware That There are Words on Your Butt?

Robert Frost once commented, “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”  Winston Churchill remarked, “Eating words never gave me indigestion.” And finally, Ernest Hemingway himself belted out, “All my life, I’ve looked at words as though I were seeing them for the first time.” It’s with that same intrigue and confusion that I proverbially ask, “Madam, are you aware that those same words that those luminaries spoke of are on your butt?” Oh, you are aware. Carry on, then, on the elliptical machine .

Pants with letters on a private area are distinctly a women’s thing. Even as society becomes more androgynous as it relates to fashion, I can guarantee that in the very near future guys aren’t going to be walking around with pants that say words like “vroom” or “rocket launcher” across their denim corralled snakes. It’s just not going to happen. So it’s a girl thing, kinda like the phrase, “Beer makes me feel too full. Ughhhhhh!”

When I see women bounding around with words on their tushes that look like adjectives to describe offerings at an ice cream social, it always gives me a good chuckle. “Juicy,” I’d think to myself after reading the rump transmission. That’s not something distinctly special about your butt. Now if it said, “This thing shoots lasers,” that would be something to let the world know! Is that why women put words across their ass? They want to tell the world, “look at what Sir Mix-A-lot encouraged me to get!”?

So of course, as men, we bite.  We stare. We read. We get the Cliff’s Notes for the rump braille so that we can talk intelligently about it. But that’s the catch 22, we can’t say a word. We have to act like those words don’t even exist because to even broach the idea that we’ve looked at your butt, even for a passing moment, immediately makes us seem like weirdos. We’re the strange ones, yet the lady has the phrase “All this jelly, wanna jam?” on a pair of pants in a class where downward dog is an actual instruction. Sheesh.

I propose a new day of buttvertising. If women are going to insist on putting things back there (get that dirty thought out of there), then we really should utilize that valuable real estate for the benefit of the general public. Here are just a few things I’m working on in conjunction with Women’s Wear Daily:

MEOW! – There are only 3200 tigers left in the wild.
TATTARRATTAT!- That’s the longest palindrome as coined by James Joyce.
F*CK CANCER – The disease, not the zodiac sign.
YURCARKEYS – They’re behind the couch.
SASSY – Is an antonym of timorous.
!!!!!! – Only use this mark when you’re truly excited.
LULZ – Not to be used…ever.
JELLY – On toast, never on a bagel.
HEARTBREAKER – Enjoy being alone.
GR8 – Use Control+ALT+Delete to reboot instead.
CALIENTE – 1 lb. tomatillos, 1 med. onion, 1/2 green pepper, Chili peppers (3 to 10 depending on “hotness” desired),  1 tsp. ground cumin, Cilantro to taste, 1 lime, 3 cloves garlic.

Imagine the possibilities! Everywhere you went you’d be learning new and valuable information, presented to you on a bountiful platter, sculpted through hours doing squats and just enough carbohydrates to create that perfect bubble. Advertisers would stop shelling out millions of dollars for pricey commercials in favor of campaigns with 100 percent attentiveness. Baby would have much more than just back…she’d have the pulse of the people. And I certainly wouldn’t feel guilty for looking.

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