No one likes being told in person or via text (it’s 2011, I’ve got to incorporate the times) any of the following: we should see other people, I love you but I’m not in love with you, I’m seeing someone else, I killed someone, I cheated on you…with a guy, you annoy the crap out of me so pack your things and get out, and/or I have an STD so you might want to go to the doctor.
Insert deer in headlight look here.
Here are eight lyrics that may or may not play in a girl’s (or guy’s, who knows) head somewhere between wanting to weep uncontrollably in the fetal position and wanting to find the home-wrecking whore who done it:=
1. When you’re in that, “I’m single and ready to mingle; I am woman, hear me roar” phase: Enter any song by any female recording artist or group (that you would never normally listen to) who has had a hit on Ryan Seacrest’s top nine and nine.
Here’s one to give you an idea:
“I could put my arms round every boy I see but they’d only remind me of you. I went to the doctor guess what he told me, guess what he told me. He said girl, you better try to have fun no matter what you do. But he’s a fool ’cause nothing compares, nothing compares to you.” (Sinead O’ Connor, ‘Nothing Compares’)
3. When you’re in that phase of getting back together but then you break up again because during the missing stage you forgot how big of a D-bag they are:
“You know you want me baby, you know I want you too. They call me superman; I’m here to rescue you. I want to save you girl, come be in Shady’s world. Oh boy you drive me crazy. Bitch you make me hurl.” (Eminem, because he makes angry music for angry people, in ‘Superman’)
4. When you got dumped and you’re like, totally “over it”:
“And I know that when I see you I’m going to die, I know I’m going to want you and you know why. It’s going to kill me to see you with the next girl.” (No Doubt, ‘Ex-Girlfriend’)
(Thank you, Gwen Stefani, for the years of tears.)
5. When you find out they are married, on Megan’s Law or wanted for murder:
“It’s like rain on your wedding day. It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid. It’s the good advice that you just didn’t take. Who would’ve thought… it figures.” (Alanis Morissette, ‘Ironic’)
6. When you find out you got cheated on, but then they got burned too so you’re in that “ha-ha, told you so,” phase:
“You spend your nights alone, and (s)he never comes home, and every time you call him all you gets a busy tone. I heard you found out what he’s doing to you, what you did to me, ain’t that the way it goes…” (Justin Timberlake, ‘What Goes Around Comes Around’)
(Tauntingly sings to self while laughing uncontrollably.)
7. When you’re just pissed, mad and don’t care anymore:
“I’ve come to wish you an unhappy birthday because you’re evil and you lie. And if you should die, I may feel slightly sad (But I won’t cry!)” (The Smiths,’Unhappy Birthday’)
(Sings dramatically to self in mirror.)
8. When you’re driving and suddenly this song comes on the radio; you haven’t heard it in years but suddenly, you see the sign and it opened up your eyes: you’re over it:
“I saw the sign and it opened up my mind! And I am happy now living without you, I’ve left you, oh-oh-OH.” (Ace of mother effing Base, ‘The Sign’)
(Sings ecstatically to self in the car while driving through red lights due to fits of joy.)
You can read more from Jessica Druck on her blog.