It’s natural to want to be better. To want to improve something, fix your flaws, to challenge yourself to become a better you. As we do these things, it’s easy to raise our expectations to the point that we lose sight of our self-acceptance. When our ambition cancels out our self-love, it removes our enjoyment of life. For today, perhaps challenge yourself to recognize your efforts. Imagine that you are exactly who and where you ought to be. Be gentle with yourself today.
Trusting in the process of your personal growth can sometimes be the key to making it happen. When we can stop self-criticism and accept ourselves as we are, sometimes we can see that person much more clearly. Many times there are myths we tell ourselves over a lifetime about who we are, that we never think to question. Sometimes they come from someone else and what they’ve told us about who we are. Sometimes they are self-judgments we’ve internalized about who we are, but they are the judgments of a younger and more misguided self. Think of your petty side, your weaknesses and character flaws. The faults you’ve always known you’ve had. Now question whether or not they are true. If so, how do you know that? What proof of them exists as of late?
I don’t underestimate how well we get to know ourselves with each new day. And yes, we all have a reflection process that we must go through to arrive at our understanding. One that often includes self-judgment; we must challenge ourselves to catalyze change. When we want more from ourselves it challenges us to change our behavior: discontent can inspire movement toward contentment. But just for a change in perspective, today imagine that you are perfect right now. Look at yourself and think that you are exactly as you should be. You are on the right path and in the midst of growth that leads you exactly where you need to go. Acknowledge your struggles and appreciate that you are moving through them. Recognize how strong you are. Know that you cannot go faster, your pace is just as it should be. While you’re in this state look around and see what life looks like, what it feels like. See what You look like from this vantage point. Maybe decide to keep this place for a future visit. For a day you could use a little relief. Or a day you are feeling drained by disappointment.
I believe our ideal self is already within us. Sometimes it just takes us a while to recognize who that is.
Happy Sunday, lovely people! xox Sarah
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Sarah, I’ve read your articles “Love Thyself” and “Letting Go”, and I have to seriously wonder if you are my Fairy Godmother. You’re thoughts and advice is universal to women of all ages and stages; I think most can understand and use your words of wisdom. I’ve been sharing your articles with a girlfriend of mine and I pray they enlighten her as they have done me. Thank you!
This is exactly what I needed to read today. Thanks, Wise One!
Cool thanks Erin
x
If I only read what reinforced my potential biases I would never learn anything. If I mindlessly agreed with everything that I read I would never be of any use to anyone. I think that you have come to some conclusions about me that you may be surprised to find are inaccurate. That’s the unfortunate side of conversing on an impersonal medium like the internet. Loving oneself is fine but it should not be an excuse to settle for short dreams. There are many 99 percenters who contribute greatly to society and there are many one percenters who do nothing for the good of others. On this we agree. We got stuck on socioeconomic examples of winning and that was unfortunate. The top strata is just an easy example to point to and say “See What You Could Be” but that certainly is not the only example of success. In my life I went the extra mile. I surround myself with people who have done the same. I don’t sell that concept I merely use myself as an example of what can be with enough determination. I am 56 years old. I don’t know if you can see that tiny avatar picture but that is me, today at 56. I am currently in training for the 2016 Mr America body building championships. I am already Mr Michigan and Mr California in my age group. What does that mean? Nothing except that even though I am financially secure I haven’t quit looking for challenges. I also mentor a couple of hundred people regarding hormone replacement, diet and exercise. This takes many hours per week but I do this all for free as a way of giving back to the community that shares my enthusiasm for striving.
Here’s my last question (because we obviously have very, very different viewpoints in regards to the 1% and the 99% and basically everything else. Sarah’s weekly posts are about inspiration and working on self-acceptance. I’m just curious as to why you read them?
Like it or not success and failure in our society can be clearly defined and aptly rewarded or punished. We live in a country of slackers IMO. If someone has the intellectual ability to achieve a higher education, for instance, and doesn’t then this person has failed to live up to his full potential. Maybe it’s enough for him to cut his sick neighbor’s lawn every week and if it is then he has satisfied his own conscience but he likely would have been a bigger benefit to society(and himself and family) in general if had gone to school. There is a reason why there are the 99 percenters and the one percenters. There is a reason why most of America is overweight and in poor general health and why we look to others to entertain us. We camp out on sidewalks next to red carpets because we worship success yet few of us make any effort to actually achieve it. I guess that everyone is entitled to their own version of attainment but don’t look to actual achievers for validation.
I was only using wealth because that was what you had initially stated was a measure of success. Now you’re saying that success is rising above average. But WHAT must one be better than average AT? It’s all relative. I want to be a kind, non-judgmental person. That’s one way that I measure my own success. Seriously. Every time I help one person understand my medical condition, I consider that a success. But EACH PERSON has to define his own successes. I guess I just don’t understand your need to generalize your interpretation of success to everybody else. And I just used the word “success” way too many times.
BTW Ms Miller. I commend your tenacity and it’s been good discussing this with you!
Wealth is merely one measure of success but it certainly does not insure it. What one does with ones’ wealth could be another, but again, there is other criteria for resolution. Hanging on one word to make a point is disingenuous debating. My message was and is that it takes a lot of effort to rise above average and most are simply incapable. Mother Teresa certainly is one of the more notable people of ours’ or any generation but she had little wealth. What she had was an exceptional desire to help anyone needing her help and the expertise to make it meaningful. To make oneself relevant one must be better than average. Relevance is a reward and not an assumption. Success isn’t getting a job. Success is getting the job you long for. How many people are in that position, really?
Wife and children beaters come from every walk of life and every social strata. Why that is part of this conversation is beyond me? Most end up incarcerated and that hardly qualifies as anyones’ definition of winning. Like it or not wealth often follows success and many consider wealth a good measure of it. Your so quickly shelving that notion may be some kind of indicator as to your standing. Intelligent discussion need not be heated. Differences of opinion will likely spur introspection even if there is no outward indication of that going on. I understand gray area. I also understand what it took for my wife and I to achieve 4 MS degrees in various disciplines and a PHD in preventive medicine. This has led to our great satisfaction and moderate wealth but it did not come easy. We still spend a good bit of our time in places that are out of most folk’s comfort zones but we view our continuing advancement as an intregal part of our self worth. We also donate a whole lot of our time to other people’s well being. We have two children so I know how life happens. Anyone can make excuses. Anyone can also shun excuses and just do it. We all have that choice. As I said early on our maker gives us each about 30,000 days to do whatever is is we do. Some make far better use of this time than others and it’s my opinion that how this time is used determines a great deal about our level of personal satisfaction.
As you said, wife beaters come from every strata and if wealth is a measure of success, I could infer from your argument that a wealthy doctor who beats his wife is a “success.” Do you see how limiting the definition of success makes everything black and white? And, honestly, my father is one of the 1% (he worked his ass off to get there) and HE doesn’t consider wealth a measure of success. Both he and my mother taught me that. And there are many professions that don’t lead to wealth, but lead to bettering the good of humanity (teaching, non-profit work, etc.). And who gets to arbitrate what a “good use of time” is? Does what we do for a living really define who we are and how successful we are? As to life happening, I was diagnosed with a chronic medical condition that does slightly circumscribe my career choices. I could flaunt the restrictions, but it would (and has) put me in the hospital. But my definition of success will be when I am happy with myself and I’m getting closer to that each day and I don’t judge other people’s definition of success FOR THEMSELVES. So if it takes wealth for you to feel successful, than I acknowledge that that’s your definition of success and I congratulate you. Just be careful to generalize what is a very personal decision.
Thanks so much for this post! It’s actually something that’s been on my mind today. I woke up today and said, “Today, I’m happy to me.” And it’s something I’ve needed to work on a lot. I really appreciate this article!
Thanks Christen – so happy to hear that!!!
Yes, each person does get to define what “Winning”s but society will likely have a more defined version. To some “Winning” is sitting on the couch with a bottle of wine watching “Breaking Bad”. If that’s enough then it is but don’t expect to get noticed. Life happens to everyone. Some find a way to work “Extraordinary” into their mundane tasks while others watch and wait for things to come to them. Ever wonder why people buy lottery tickets? Collect autographs? Dream?With proper planning and motivation lottery tickets and autographs are not necessary. Add financial wealth. Do you think that the 1 percenters just got lucky or did they have a hand in their own good fortune? Life happened to most of us as well. The ones that have it went through the obstacles and got it.
Okay, so someone who makes a lot of money is, in your definition, a “winner.” What if said person beats his wife and children? Is he still a winner? And why is “getting noticed” the definition of success? We’re just going to have to agree to disagree because I can see myself getting into a really heated argument here.
Thank you once again Sarah! (Perhaps you ought to write a column on gratitude, since we’re all so thankful for your weekly dose of awesomeness, hehe!) It really is so appreciated. This article struck many chords for me as, like Elisabeth says above, I’m becoming aware that I have spent the past looking to others (society) for a form of acceptance that only I can give myself. I think going to uni (our abbreviation for university in the UK, as college is what comes before) has really helped because it has meant that I’ve had to take my daily life (my helpers etc) into my own hands and be independent, whatever opinions others may hold about me. I’ve begun to let go of the notion that I need to prove myself (and especially my intelligence) because of my disability. Loving oneself seems to mean, not only that *perceived* failures pale into insignificance, but that they aren’t actually there, because they weren’t there in the first place. So, now, after 20 years, I’m not merely finding the courage to take life into my own hands, but finally (as I have long hoped and dreamed) to literally stand on my own two feet and walk to collect my degree this time next year. It is indeed a Long Walk to Freedom, but I’m so grateful for the chance to make the journey and for the help I’m receiving on the way (your truly wonderful column included, Sarah – it keeps me afloat)!
As Nelson Mandela said in his inaugaral speech, quoting Marianne Wilson:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
I have this and Desiderata on my wall to look at every day and your columns to read over.
So thanks yet again, and much love,
Jessi xxx
Holy cow! You are an inspiration – you should write a book or a blog of both! Damn girl. I am so moved by your story and excited for you and your year to come!!! Thank you for sharing. I am glad that I contribute to all this happiness in your life.
xox
Well Liz, self loathing is most often generated by failure. Failure is most often generated by one being unprepared for the chosen challenge-whatever it is. Half assed efforts are usually met with have assed results and that’s where most people fail. Each person decides what their dreams are. If that’s being a good parent and you have succeeded then you won. If that’s being an Olympic athlete and you have not succeeded then you lost. Like it or not there are winners and there are losers. Not everyone deserves to get a trophy. Life stays relative within those parameters and reward is based on talent and effort. We all get about 30,000 days to make to most of or the least of. Some people become extraordinary. Most don’t and ultimately have regrets. In the end it’s the regrets that define the asterisk in history otherwise known as ones’ life.
But each person gets to define what “winning” is for themselves. You and I have a very different view of what that definition is. Ten years ago I would’ve had agreed with you and then life happened and I had to change the way I looked at my future and my expectations. For me, self-loathing is often generated by *perceived* failures – things I only count as failures because I haven’t succeeded at something society has said I should. Categorizing people in life as either winners or losers doesn’t take in to account the many shades of gray.
u always inspire me
) always enjoy reading ur articles – completely divine every time
hehe wow Meg you make me blush! Thanks for saying that
x
Actually crying from this one today, Sarah. It’s so exactly what I needed to hear. I swear you’re in my head. This piece gave me a lot of relief. I AM on the right path, I just need to be patient with myself (I am so impatient) and realize that I WILL GET THERE. Thanks again, Sarah. Have a great week.
To anyone in Toronto who would like to reclaim their body pride: http://tobeaslut.com/2012/03/05/body-pride-a-letter-from-your-photographer/
Cool thanks for the share Caitlin!
Awesome article.
What you said is amazingly true and gave hope and confidence to all of us
Yay thanks Ivan!
Unless one is satisfied with mediocrity and subservience one must strive to set themselves apart from the hoi poloi in any meaningful way possible. While almost everyone desires fame, fortune and the many benefits associated with that, few are mentally able to traverse the often impossible terrain in route. It seems that while many disdain average most eventually settle for it. It’s much easier to love oneself when accomplishing. Many simply give up before anything notable is achieved. The truly motivated need no excuses. They are willing to trade small desires for their bigger picture. That can often be uncomfortable but it’s the price the successful willingly pay.
Well Robert, I definitely encourage the self-acceptance parts of life a lot more than the success/achievement parts (probably because that’s what I look for out on the interwebs so I gotta write what I likes). But I do not underestimate the need for drive/passion/motivation as well. I just would rather be happy while I get wherever I’m going. Thanks for keeping up an always lively conversation !
But what is the definition of success? I feel like striving for “fame, fortune and the many benefits associated with that” is not what I define as success. We need to love ourselves at all times. Yes, we need to strive and be ambitious, but not at the cost of self-negativity and self-loathing.
Yes, thank you!
You are welcome Evie ! x
Thank you! You have no idea how much I needed this today!
That’s my fave thing to read
xox